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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
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by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
38 Weather Jokes
1
‘Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.’ Charles Dudley Warner
2
Harry had a fantastic country house with two wings, sadly it flew off the last time they had a big storm.
3
Harry to Tom: ‘How did you find the weather while you were away?’ Tom: ‘It was just outside the front door.’
4
I’m saving up for a rainy day. So far I’ve got a sou’wester, two macintoshes and a canoe.
5
It was so cold the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.
6
People always complain about the weather, but no one ever seems to do anything about it.
7
The weather was terrible on my holiday. Mind you, I did come home brown – with rust.
8
Thirty people are sheltering under an umbrella. How many of them get wet? None – who said it was raining?
9
What’s a bigamist? An Italian fog.
10
The drought here is terrible. The lawn’s cracked, the plants have all died because of the hosepipe ban, and I can’t wash my car – and do we see any famous Africans getting together to do a charity single?
11
Harry gets a job as a weatherman in the Far East; however, try as he might, he can never get a forecast right. Eventually he’s sacked and has to fly home. A friend asks why he’s back so soon. Harry replies, ‘The climate didn’t agree with me.’
12
A motorist is making his way down a flooded road after a night of torrential rain. Suddenly he sees a man’s head sticking out of a large puddle. He stops his car and asks the man if he needs a lift. ‘No thanks,’ says the man. ‘I’m on my bike.’
13
A ship’s captain radios a lighthouse keeper, ‘Radio reception is very bad. Please spell out your weather report.’ The keeper replies, ‘W-E-T-H-O-R R-E-P-O-R-T.’ The captain says, ‘My God, that’s the worst spell of weather I’ve had in a long time.’
14
A famous scientist visits an observatory and is shown the latest radio telescope. The scientist looks at the picture on the computer screen and says, ‘It’s going to rain.’ That’s incredible!’ says one the astronomers. ‘D’you mean that merely by looking at the stars on that screen you can predict when it will rain here on earth?’ ‘No,’ says the scientist. ‘I mean my corns hurt.’
15
A rambler sees an old rustic character standing in a field holding a short length of rope. ‘What’s the rope for?’ asks the rambler. ‘Tis an old country way of telling the weather,’ says the rustic. ‘And how does it work?’ asks the rambler. ‘Well,’ replies the rustic. ‘When it swings about, it’s windy. And when it’s wet, it’s raining.’
16
A small boy is woken by a huge crash of thunder. He runs into his parents’ room, where his father comforts him. ‘Don’t be afraid of the thunder,’ he says. ‘It’s just a noise that God makes when someone tells a lie.’ ‘But why is it thundering now?’ asks the boy. ‘It’s the middle of the night and everyone is asleep.’ I know,’ replies father. ‘But it’s around this time that they start to print the newspapers.’
17
It’s winter and a garage owner hears a knock at the door. He opens it and sees a little metal monkey shivering outside. ‘Excuse me,’ says the monkey. ‘But do you do welding?’
18
Little Johnny walks into his classroom wearing a single glove. His teacher asks him what he’s doing. ‘Well ma’am,’ says Johnny. ‘I was watching the weather programme on TV and it said it was going to be sunny, but on the other hand it could get quite cold.’
19
Tom arrives at a hotel in a Scottish village on a cold, grey, drizzly day. The weather remains the same for two weeks. Exasperated, Tom stops a little boy in the street. ‘Does the weather here ever change?’ he asks. ‘I don’t know,’ replies the boy. ‘I’m only six.’
20
‘Did you enjoy summer this year? It was on a Thursday.’
21
A blonde goes over to visit one of her friends. While she is at her friend’s house it starts to rain, so her friend suggests she spend the night at her house and go home the next day. The blonde agrees that makes sense and goes into the den to watch TV while her friend goes upstairs to put the kids to bed. When her host comes downstairs, she finds the blonde coming in the front door, soaking wet. She asks, ‘Where have you been?’ ‘I went home to get my pyjamas!’
22
Did you hear about the man who couldn’t tell what the weather was like because it was too foggy?
23
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a roof leaks and a cricket game gets rained off, and a car rusts and…
24
I’d cross the hottest desert, I’d swim the deepest sea, I’d climb the highest mountain, But I can’t come over tonight because it’s raining.
25
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
26
What doesn’t get any wetter, no matter how much rain falls on it? Water.
27
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
28
What holds the sun up in the sky? Sunbeams!
29
What is hail? Hard-boiled rain! Rainbows
30
Where can you weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow: ‘Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.’
31
Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella? He wanted to put something away for a rainy day!
32
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ Drizzle.
33
Why was the weathercock conceited? Because he was a vane creature.
34
A day without sunshine is like night.
35
I can tell if it’s raining by my corns. If they get wet, it’s raining.
36
I love sunshine. I could sit in the sun day or night.
37
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
38
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
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