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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
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by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
111 Transport Jokes
1
‘A travel agent told me I could spend seven nights in Hawaii. No days, just nights.’ Rodney
2
‘If you look like your passport photograph, in all probability you need the holiday.’ Earl Wilson
3
A woman rings the lost property office of the railway company and asks them if they’ve found a stray octopus – they ask her what colour it is.
4
Don’t forget, when in Rome… be an awkward bastard and do as the Belgians do.
5
Fifty men are crammed into a train carriage when one shouts, ‘The next carriage is completely empty!’ So they all get into that one.
6
I cheated the railway company the other day. I bought a return ticket and didn’t go back.
7
I got some travel sweets but they were useless. I ate the whole packet. Didn’t go anywhere.
8
I had a terrible holiday. It only rained twice, once for three days and once for four.
9
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
10
Jesus.’ ‘They did,’ replies Dad. ‘And they also walked everywhere.’
11
The best time to visit Paris is between 18 and 34.
12
What happened to the man who locked himself in his truck? His friends had to use a coathanger to get him out.
13
What’s the best cure for sea-sickness? Sit under a tree.
14
A train steward calls the police after coming across a young couple having sex in a carriage. The young man is arrested for having a first-class ride with a second-class ticket.
15
Cruise passenger to Purser: ‘I wish to complain. I just went into my cabin and I found a common seaman using my shower!’ Purser: ‘Who did you expect in second class? The captain?’
16
Instructor, to trainee park ranger: ‘You see an enraged grizzly bear approaching a group of tourists. What steps do you take?’ Park ranger: ‘Large ones – in the opposite direction.’
17
Tom and Dick are comparing notes on their summer holiday. ‘I was staying in a hotel in Poole,’ says Tom. ‘In Dorset?’ asks Dick. ‘Certainly,’ says Tom. ‘I’d recommend it to anyone.’
18
A young man asks his father, a preacher, if he can borrow the family car. ‘Only if you get your hair cut,’ says his father. ‘Why?’ asks the son, ‘Moses had long hair, and so did Samson, and Jesus.’ ‘They did,’ replies Dad. ‘And they also walked everywhere.’
19
Harry went to Scotland on a sleeper train but didn’t get a wink of sleep. There was a worried midget in the top bunk who spent all night pacing up and down.
20
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. A bus pulls up and one of the blondes says to the driver, ‘Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?’ The bus driver says, ‘No. Sorry.’ The other blonde, smiles, and says, ‘Will it take me?’
21
A river pilot is guiding a ship up an estuary. Suddenly the ship grounds itself. The captain is furious. He yells at the pilot, ‘You said you knew every sandbank in this river!’ ‘I do,’ says the pilot. ‘And that was one of them.’
22
A guide is showing a group of tourists round a ruined castle. ‘Not a stone in this building has been touched in the last four hundred years,’ exclaims the guide. ‘Really?’ says one of the visitors. ‘We must have the same landlord.’
23
A husband and wife are on holiday. ‘Oh my God!’ exclaims the wife. ‘I just remembered I left the oven on.’ ‘Don’t worry about it,’ replies her husband. ‘The house won’t burn down. I just remembered I left the bath running.’
24
The navigator of the QEII is steering the ship through thick fog. He turns to the captain, ‘Sir, I think something is wrong with our compass.’ ‘Why do you say that?’ asks the captain. The navigator replies, ‘We’ve just been overtaken by a Number 8 bus.’
25
A couple are listening to their friends’ holiday experiences in the south of England. ‘My,’ says one. ‘We knew you were planning to drive round Kent, but we hadn’t realised you were going to take in Surrey, Hampshire and Dorset too.’ ‘We hadn’t planned to replies the woman. ‘But Ted refuses to ask for directions.’
26
A hillbilly visits his cousin in the valley and is fascinated by the railroad he finds there. He’s never seen a train so he doesn’t know to get out of the way when one comes whistling and steaming down the tracks towards him. Luckily the train has a cowcatcher on the front and the hillbilly is swept off the tracks without being killed. The injured hillbilly is carried back to his cousin’s shack to recuperate. The cousin puts a kettle on the stove to make some tea then goes out to get some wood. He returns to find the hillbilly beating the hell out of his kettle with a hammer. ‘What y’all doing to ma good kettle?’ cries the cousin. ‘These things is dangerous,’ replies the hillbilly. ‘I’m a killin’ it before it gets a chance to grow up!’
27
A husband and wife rent an old country cottage for a break. The wife goes to take a bath and only emerges three hours later. ‘It doesn’t usually take you so long to get ready,’ says the husband. ‘No,’ replies the wife. ‘But there’s no curtains. I had to get out of the tub every five minutes and breathe on the windows.’
28
A man goes to a travel agent to book his summer holiday. ‘Last year you sold me a holiday to Bermuda and my wife got pregnant,’ says the man. ‘The year before it was Monte Carlo and my wife got pregnant again. And the year before that it was Hong Kong and my wife got pregnant then as well.’ ‘I see,’ says the travel clerk. ‘And what did you have in mind this year?’ ‘Somewhere cheaper,’ replies the man. ‘So she can come with me for a change.’
29
A man is having breakfast at a greasy spoon café when three bikers come in looking for trouble. The first biker spits in the man’s food. The second pours coffee over the man’s head, and the third pulls away his chair so he falls over. Without a word the man gets up and walks out. ‘Not much of a man,’ says one of the bikers to the waitress. ‘Nope,’ replies the waitress. ‘And he’s not much of a driver either, he just drove his lorry over three bikes.’
30
A man phones a taxi company because his cab hasn’t turned up. ‘I’m supposed to be at the airport for nine o’clock,’ says the man. ‘Don’t worry,’ says the girl. ‘The taxi will get you there before your plane leaves.’ ‘I know it will,’ says the man. ‘I’m the pilot.’
31
A passenger cruise ship passes a small desert island. Everyone watches as a tatty-looking bearded man runs out on the beach and starts shouting and waving his hands. ‘Who’s that?’ asks one of the passengers. ‘I’ve no idea,’ replies the captain. ‘But every year we sail past and he goes nuts.’
32
An A-road and a motorway walk into a pub. The motorway turns white with fear and starts shaking. ‘What’s wrong?’ asks the A-road. ‘Look at the crazy guy in the corner,’ replies the motorway. ‘How d’you know he’s crazy?’ says the A-road. ‘It’s obvious,’ replies the motorway. ‘He’s a cycle path!’
33
Barry and Michael are driving their truck down a country lane when they come to a bridge with a sign saying, ‘Warning. Eleven-foot clearance’. ‘Dammit,’ says Barry. ‘And our truck is twelve foot high.’ Michael looks out of the window and checks for onlookers. ‘I say we go for it,’ he says. ‘There’s no one out here to report us.’
34
Harry is being interviewed for a job as a railway signalman. ‘What would you do if two trains were approaching each other on the same line?’ asks the interviewer. ‘I’d switch the points in the signal box,’ replies Harry. ‘And what if the signal switch was broken?’ asks the interviewer. ‘I’d use the manual lever,’ replies Harry. ‘And what if that didn’t work?’ asks the interviewer. ‘I’d use the emergency phone to call the next signal box,’ says Harry. ‘And what if there was no answer?’ asks the interviewer. ‘I’d ring my uncle and tell him to come over,’ replies Harry. ‘What good would that do?’ asks the interviewer. ‘None,’ replies Harry. ‘But he’s never seen a train crash.’
35
Three passengers are on a train discussing why the train company is losing money. ‘Bad management,’ says one. ‘Too many staff,’ says another. ‘Not enough investment,’ says the third. Then they hear the ticket inspector coming and all run to hide in the toilets.
36
Two country rustics are riding a train for the first time. They’ve brought along a bag of apples for lunch and, just as one bites into his apple, the train enters a long tunnel. ‘Have you taken a bite out of your apple yet?’ asks one. ‘No.’ says the other. ‘Well, don’t,’ replies the first. ‘I just did and I went blind.’
37
Two women meet on a cruise ship. One says, ‘This is my first cruise. My husband saved for ages to send me on this trip.’ ‘Oh,’ says the other. ‘Is this your first? I’ve been on twenty cruises. Mind you, my husband works for Cunard.’ The first woman says, ‘Well mine works hard too but there’s no need to swear!’
38
‘Do you have any experience of flying?’ ‘I fell out of a window once.’
39
‘My wife ran off with another man in my new car.’ ‘That’s terrible. Your new car, you say?’
40
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at the salon. The brunette told her, ‘There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.’ ‘That doesn’t matter,’ replied the blonde, ‘if I only can sell the car.’ ‘OK,’ said the brunette. ‘Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a garage. Tell him I sent you and he’ll turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem to sell your car.’ The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, ‘Did you sell your car?’ ‘No,’ replied the blonde. ‘Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.’
41
A couple of nuns had gone out to the country for picnic. On the way back they were a few miles from home when their car ran out of petrol. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached. Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some petrol. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use that. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of gallons into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their petrol tank when the police came by. The policeman stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: ‘Sisters, I don’t think it will work, but I surely do admire your faith!’
42
A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp. The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited. Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, ‘The sign says Give Way, not Give Up!’
43
A judge had just fined a man £25 for speeding. When the judge gave the man the receipt, the man yelled sarcastically, ‘What am I supposed to do with this? Frame it?!’ The judge replied, ‘No, keep it. When you get three, you get a bicycle.’
44
A legless man is waiting at a bus stop. The driver pulls up and shouts, ‘How you getting on, Fred?’
45
A man having a midlife crisis bought a new BMW and was out on the roads for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. There’s no way they can catch a BMW, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 … then the reality of the situation hit him. What am I doing? he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word, and examined it and the car. ‘It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it’s Friday 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.’ The guy thought for a second and said, ‘Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.’ ‘Have a nice weekend,’ said the officer.
46
A man is driving down the road and a cop pulls him over. The cop asks to see his licence and registration. The man hands the cop the registration of the vehicle and says, ‘You guys already have my licence, you haven’t given it back yet.’
47
A man loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn’t crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan. So, when Bob spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn’t subject himself to an hour’s wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck. Bob got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, ‘Well, I made that one, didn’t I?’ ‘Sure did,’ the bystander said. ‘But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock.’
48
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all travelling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the ticket, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, ‘Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?’ ‘Ever go fishing?’ the policeman suddenly asked the man. ‘Um, yeah…’ the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, ‘Did you ever catch all the fish?’
49
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. ‘Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!’ The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, ‘Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Oxford Street.’ There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, ‘We’re leaving right now. Get your coat and let’s get out of here.’ As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. ‘You’re angry about something.’ ‘Oh, really? You noticed?’ he sneered. ‘I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Oxford Street? You idiot! Don’t you know the No. 5 bus doesn’t go to Oxford Street?’
50
A policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 30 mph zone. ‘I was only going 30!’ the driver protested. ‘Not according to my radar,’ the policeman said. ‘Yes, I was!’ the man shouted back. ‘No you weren’t!’ the policeman said. With that, the man’s wife leaned towards the window and said, ‘Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking.’
51
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. ‘I’m blessing it,’ the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the exhaust pipe.
52
A State Trooper pulls over a pick-up in the deep south. He says to the driver, ‘Got any ID?’ The driver says, ‘’Bout what?’
53
A tourist is visiting Liverpool when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the bonnet. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his boot. He runs around and yells, ‘Hey, this is my car!’ ‘OK,’ the man says, ‘you take the front and I’ll take the back.’
54
A truck driver is driving along on the motorway. A sign comes up that reads ‘Low bridge ahead’. Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’ The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol.’
55
A woman drove her people carrier filled with a dozen screaming kids through the car park, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. ‘Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?’ yelled an irate man. She rolled down her window and said, ‘What makes you think these are all mine?’
56
A young man has just graduated from Harvard and is so excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a taxi and the driver says, ‘How are you on this lovely day?’ The young man replies, ‘I’m the Class of 2002. I just graduated from Harvard, and I just can’t wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me.’ The driver turns around to shake the young man’s hand and says, ‘Congratulations! I’m Mitch, Class of ’60.’
57
David has just received his brand new driving licence. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car – he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver. ‘I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,’ says the beaming boy to his dad. ‘Nope,’ comes Dad’s reply, ‘I’m gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years.’
58
Did you hear about the Irishman whose plane had engine trouble? He tried to get out and push.
59
Every time my car is in the carwash, the phone on the dashboard starts ringing.
60
Flying blind: When the instrument panel in the pilot’s cabin is in Braille.
61
He took the bus home after work, but his mother made him take it back.
62
How do you put Pikachu into a bus? Pokémon.
63
How do you top a car? You tep on the brakes, tupid!
64
I like to run my home like a ship, with me as captain. Too bad I married an admiral.
65
I used to be a safe driver, but I gave it up. Who wants to drive a safe?
66
I wanted to get a new car for my wife, but the garage wouldn’t swap.
67
I wouldn’t say the bus was crowded, but even the driver was standing.
68
Just remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbour’s car!
69
My wife wanted a foreign convertible so I bought her a rickshaw.
70
One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car. ‘If I take them out of the car I lose them,’ she reasoned. ‘Yes, dear, but what if someone steals your car?’ the husband countered. ‘Oh, that’s OK,’ the wife chirped happily, ‘I keep a spare key in the glove box!’
71
The DVLA recently divulged they had, covertly, funded a car makers’ project for the past five years. The car makers were installing black box voice recorders in cars in an effort to determine the circumstances of fatal accidents in the last fifteen seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in most areas the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 per cent of fatal crashes were, ‘Oh no!’ Only Devon and Cornwall were different, where 89.3 per cent of the final words were: ‘Hold my cider. I’m going to try something.’
72
The jet age can be defined as breakfast in New York, lunch in Paris, dinner in London and baggage in Buenos Aires.
73
The most dangerous part of a car is the nut that holds the steering wheel.
74
The tube was so crowded even some of the men couldn’t get seats.
75
There were three bees, a squirrel and a man in a car. They were driving along a country lane and the car broke down. The first bee said, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll give us a few extra miles by peeing in the tank.’ It worked – for a couple of miles, that is, until they broke down again. And so the second bee decided to do the same as the first bee, but this lasted another couple of miles until they broke down again, so the third bee did exactly the same. Then the car broke down again. The squirrel said, ‘I’ll pee in the tank.’ The man replied, ‘Sorry, mate, this car only runs on BP.’
76
This is a passenger announcement. The train on platform one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come in sideways.
77
Two men are talking. ‘My wife drives like lightning!’ ‘You mean fast?’ ‘No, she always hits trees!’
78
What are the Great Plains? 747, Concorde and Spitfire!
79
What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane? ME!!!
80
What did the bus driver say to the one-legged man? ‘Hop on.’
81
What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic? ‘Chop chop.’
82
What do you call a country where all the cars in it are pink? A pink carnation.
83
What do you call a fast tricycle? A tot rod.
84
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.
85
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? About halfway.
86
What happens when a houseboat grows up? It becomes a township!
87
What occupies the last six pages of the Lada User’s Manual? The bus and train timetables.
88
What sort of transport gives people colds? A choo choo train.
89
What’s red and flies and wobbles at the same time? A jelly copter!
90
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.
91
Where do broken ships go? To the doc..
92
Which airline do teddies use? British Bearways.
93
Who designed Noah’s ark? An ark-itect!
94
Who were the first people to invent a plane that didn’t work? The Wrong brothers.
95
Why did the truck driver drive his truck off the cliff? He wanted to try out the air brakes.
96
You know you should be insulted when the driver asks you to move to the rear of the bus and it’s empty.
97
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two-tired.
98
Drive defensively – buy a tank.
99
Hailing taxis is even worse than raining cats and dogs.
100
I’ve found a cure for seasickness. A very tight collar.
101
Joy rides: From here to maternity
102
My ship finally came in, only to find my ex-wife waiting at the docks.
103
Never buy a car you can’t push.
104
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
105
People who eat ice-cream cones in cars are sundae drivers.
106
The best time to miss a train is at a crossing.
107
The first thing that struck me when I moved to Paris was a car.
108
The tyre is only flat on the bottom.
109
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
110
To avoid feeling run down, don’t play in the street.
111
Used cars are OK as far as they go.
112
A man is working on the buses in America collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there"s a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it"s Texas he"s sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he"s sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he"s eaten it. When the man"s finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can"t believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that"s never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can"t believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What"s your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don"t understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It"s something to do with that green banana isn"t it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I"m just a really bad conductor"
113
Two airforce pilots were having a pre-flight meeting. One said,"I think we should take the planes to the limit this morning. Let"s take them up to 40,000 feet and then take them in a dive to Mach..." The other interupted,"Donalds?" !
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