‘Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.’ Tiger Woods

‘I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait till it gets warmer.”’ Rodney Dangerfield

‘I was watching the Indy 500. I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.’ Steven Wright

A cowardly matador used to go into the arena with a white sheet instead of a red cape. If things got rough he surrendered.

He used to be an all-round athlete. Now he’s just all round.

Mama Bear and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand. The judge says, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies. "He beats me." The judge then asks, "Do you want to live with Mama Bear?" "No," Baby Bear replies. "She beats me too." So the judge says, "So who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear replies, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody."

My dad is really annoyed, I had the TV on and he accidentally saw the entire football match – he’d just wanted to watch the results on the news.

The hardest thing about prizefighting is picking up your teeth wearing a boxing glove.

There was a terrible tragedy concerning the local ice hockey team. They drowned during spring training.

There was a tragic end to the water polo championships – all the horses drowned.

They presented him with a cup when he was a boxer. It was to keep his teeth in.

Why did the captain lose the yacht race? He found himself in a no-wind situation.

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team? All the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the USA.

A boxer goes to a doctor complaining of insomnia. ‘Have you tried counting sheep?’ asks the doctor. ‘It doesn’t work,’ replies the boxer. ‘Every time I get to nine, I stand up.’

Two women are talking. ‘You know,’ says one. ‘Eighty per cent of men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.’ ‘Well,’ says the other. ‘That will certainly revolutionise the game of hockey!’

While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises. ‘Tell me,’ says the doctor. ‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’ ‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’

After seeing footage of a young Bosnian soldier throwing grenades, the coach of an American football team decides to take him on as a quarterback. This proves to be a great move and the team soon wins the Superbowl. The young man excitedly rings home to tell his mother. ‘Mother, I just helped my team win the Superbowl! Aren’t you happy?’ ‘No, I’m not!’ snaps back his mother. ‘Here we have the sound of gunshots all day, we are living in a slum, your sister has been molested three times, and gangsters have broken your brother’s legs. Why the hell did you make us move to Detroit?’

A man and wife are at a volleyball game when they notice a very affectionate couple who are running their hands over each other passionately. ‘I don’t know whether to watch them or the game,’ says the man. ‘Watch them!’ says his wife. ‘You already know how to play volleyball.’

I’ve got nothing against watching a darts match. I just wish my IQ were low enough to enjoy it.

Mama Bear and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand. The judge says, ‘Do you want to live with Papa Bear?’ ‘No,’ Baby Bear replies. ‘He beats me.’ The judge then asks, ‘Do you want to live with Mama Bear?’ ‘No,’ Baby Bear replies. ‘She beats me too.’ So the judge says, ‘So who do you want to live with?’ Baby Bear replies, ‘I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they never beat anybody.’

A hack golfer spends a day playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. As usual, he plays poorly all day. Round about the eighteenth hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, ‘I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.’ The caddy looks back at him and says, ‘I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.’

A man got up early on Saturday morning to play golf. He kissed his wife goodbye, and she reminded him they were going out to eat early that evening with another couple. He promised her he would be home in plenty of time. Mid-afternoon came and went, and he did not return home. His wife became angry at first. But her anger turned to worry as the sun began to set. He had never been this late before. Finally, it was completely dark when she heard the back door open and close. Concerned, she ran to greet her husband. ‘What happened?’ she said. ‘You promised you would be home early!’ Her husband sighed. ‘It was awful. The four of us were on the very first tee when Bill Smith fell over dead with a heart attack.’ ‘Oh no!’ she exclaimed. ‘That’s terrible.’ ‘I know,’ he said. ‘From then on, it was hit the ball … drag Bill. Hit the ball … drag Bill.’

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Did you hear about the small golf course? You don’t have to shout ‘Fore!’, only ‘two and a half’.

Did you know you can download the whole Tyson-Holyfield fight off the internet? It doesn’t take much memory – just two Bytes.

Don’t marry a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. Cricket

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’ Football

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft. In today’s civilized society, it is called golf.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. Squash

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is.

One day a scuba diver was enjoying a dive. He noticed a man at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went 20 feet deeper, but the other man joined him a few minutes later. The diver went down another 25 feet, but minutes later, the same man was there too. Confused, the diver took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, ‘How are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?’ The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, ‘I’M DROWNING, YOU IDIOT!’

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his seven-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine – in search of his lost ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is, in fact, a seven-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: ‘Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.’ Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, ‘What’s the matter?’ Jim shouts back, ‘Throw me my eight-iron! You can’t get out of here with a seven!’

The frustrated golfer drove over the river and threw the woods. Swimming

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Three men wanted to attend the Olympic Games but they had no tickets to the events. As they stood around watching, they noticed that the participants in the games all went in at a certain gate and that many were carrying sports gear for their event. The three began to get creative and as they looked around, the first spotted some electrical conduit left over from construction work. He picked up a length of this pipe, walked up to the gate, said ‘Pole vault’ and they waved him in. The second guy discovered a manhole cover, picked it up, walked up to the gate, said ‘Discus’ and they waved him in. The third guy looked for some time before he spotted a roll of barbed wire. He picked this up, threw it on his shoulder, walked up to the gate and announced, ‘Fencing.’

What can you serve that you cannot eat? A tennis ball.

What did the trampolinist say? ‘Life has its ups and downs, but I always bounce back.’ Tennis

What do golfers use in China? China tees!

What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court? Annette!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

What do you get if you cross a football team and an ice cream? Aston Vanilla.

What games do ants play with elephants? Squash!

What is the noisiest game? Squash – because you can’t play it without raising a racquet!

What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.

What’s a swimmer’s favourite sport? Pool.

What’s an insect’s favourite sport? Cricket!

What’s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer? The torturer would apologize first.

What’s the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer. Basketball

What’s the hardest thing about learning to ice skate? The ice.

Who was the last person to box Rocky Marciano? His undertaker. Golf

Why are baseball players in trouble with the law so often? They always hit and run.

Why are old socks good for golf? Because they have eighteen holes.

Why did the football coach flood the pitch? Because he wanted to bring on the sub!

Why did the man keep doing the backstroke? He’d just had lunch and didn’t want to swim on a full stomach!

Why do golfers wear two pairs of trousers? In case they get a hole in one!

Why is a cricket team similar to Yorkshire pudding? They both depend on the batter.

Why is basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!

Why is Cinderella such a bad football player? Because she has a pumpkin for a coach and she ran away from the ball.

Boxing razes the consciousness.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

He was a colourful boxer. Black and blue all over.

I don’t jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

Old footballers never die. They just kick off.

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke. The three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately fourteen hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up onto the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly four hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked sport 473 why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, ‘I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those other two girls were using their arms.’ squirrelsHow do you catch a squirrel?Climb a tree and act like a nut!statistics42 per cent of statistics are made up on the spot.Three out of four Americans make up 75 per cent of the population.