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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
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by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
259 Sex Jokes
1
‘After making love, I said to my girl, “Was it good for you too?” And she said, “I don’t think this was good for anybody.”’ Garry Shandling
2
‘Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.’ Rodney Dangerfield
3
‘During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.’ Rodney Dangerfield
4
‘He had ambitions at one time to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.’ Les Dawson
5
‘I believe that sex between two people is a beautiful experience. Between five it’s fantastic!’ Woody Allen
6
‘I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.’ Steve Martin
7
‘I wouldn’t mind being the last man on Earth – just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth.’ Ronnie Shakes
8
‘I’d like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he’s working on now.’ George Carlin
9
‘I’m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don’t know.’ Garry Shandling
10
‘If God had meant us to have group sex, he’d have given us more organs.’ Malcolm Bradbury
11
‘If it weren’t for pick-pockets, I’d have no sex life at all.’ Rodney Dangerfield
12
‘If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?’ Bette Midler
13
‘My classmates would copulate with anything that moved. But I never saw any reason to limit myself.’ Emo Philips
14
‘Of course I believe in safe sex. I’ve got a handrail around the bed.’ Ken Dodd
15
‘Programming is like sex. One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.’ Michael Sinz
16
‘She’s the original good time that was had by all.’ Bette Davis
17
‘When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.’ Rodney
18
‘Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.’ Billy Crystal
19
Did you hear about the transvestite who wanted a night on the town? He wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.
20
Harry is very quick with the ladies, before they can tell him they’re not that sort of girl, it’s usually too late.
21
How can you make your wife scream for an hour after sex? Wipe your dick on the curtains.
22
How do girls get minks? The same way minks get minks.
23
How do you know if your wife wears tights in bed? Her toes curl up when you screw her.
24
How do you know when your cat’s finished cleaning himself? He’s smoking a cigarette.
25
I’m a very giving lover – I give Green Shield Stamps.
26
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
27
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
28
Jane. ‘It didn’t work for us.’ ‘Of course it wouldn’t,’ replies Mary. ‘You have to go alone.’
29
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
30
Man cannot live on bread alone – he needs a bit of crumpet too.
31
Man to vicar: ‘Do you approve of sex before marriage?’ Vicar: ‘Not if it delays the service.’
32
Man to woman: ‘Tell me, after having sex do you ever smoke?’ Woman: ‘I’ve never looked.’
33
Man, to woman, ‘Am I the first man you ever made love to?’ Woman, ‘You might be. Now you come to mention it, your face does look familiar.’
34
Man, to woman, ‘Do you want sex?’ Woman, ‘Your place or mine?’ Man, ‘Well, if you’re going to argue. Forget it.’
35
Randy Rachel has got a speech impediment – she can’t say no.
36
Sex isn’t the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
37
She was hungry for love and didn’t know where her next male was coming from.
38
She’s like train tracks – she’s been laid across the country.
39
Small boy to friend: ‘What would you do if a girl kissed you?’ Friend: ‘I’d kiss her back. What would you do?’ Small boy: ‘I’d kiss her front.’
40
The vicar never entertained lewd thoughts – they always entertained him.
41
There is nothing wrong with sex on TV – as long as you don’t fall off.
42
What are the small bumps around women’s nipples? It’s Braille for ‘suck here’.
43
What did the Irish spinster keep saying in her prayers? ‘Good Lord, please have Murphy on me…’
44
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M.
45
What happened when the chef got his hand caught in the dishwasher? They both got fired.
46
What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant? Her feet.
47
What’s a man’s definition of safe sex? Meeting his mistress at least 30 miles from his house.
48
What’s the difference between ‘Oooh!’ and ‘Aaah!’? About three inches.
49
What’s the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
50
When I was young my sister used to play with dolls and I played with soldiers, now we do it the other way round.
51
Why can’t gypsies have babies? Because their husbands have crystal balls.
52
Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he was stuck in the chicken.
53
Why do men like having sex with the lights on? It makes it easier to put a name to the face.
54
Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
55
Why is it called sex? Because it’s easier to spell than Uhhhhh.. oooohh… Ahhhhhh…AIIEEEEEEE!
56
Why is it that when a man talks nasty to a women it’s sexual harassment, but when a women talks nasty to a man it’s £3.99 a minute?
57
Why’s a fat woman like a skateboard? They’re both fun to ride, but you wouldn’t want your friends to see you on one.
58
Woman to doctor: ‘Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.’ Doctor: ‘And what are you taking for it?’ Woman: ‘Pepper.’
59
‘There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.’ Steve Martin
60
Two men are having a drink together. One says, ‘I had sex with my wife before we were married. What about you?’ ‘I don’t know,’ says the other. ‘What was her maiden name?’
61
A woman goes into a noisy launderette and asks the assistant to do a service wash. ‘What?!’ shouts the assistant. ‘Come again?!’ ‘No!’ shouts back the woman. ‘This time it’s mustard!’
62
I wish my girlfriend had warned me about the ceiling mirror in her bedroom. I lay down ready for her, then ran out screaming – I’d looked up and thought I was being attacked by a naked skydiver.
63
Mary to Jill: ‘I told my husband he didn’t arouse me any more!’ Jill: ‘That’s pretty forthright! What did he say?’ Mary: ‘He said, “Maybe you have a dry well”. So I said “Maybe you need a new drill.”’
64
I think you’ll find that any of my lady companions will tell you I’m a ‘five times a night man’. I really shouldn’t drink so much tea before I go to bed.
65
A honeymoon couple go into a hotel and ask for a suite. ‘Bridal?’ asks the desk clerk. ‘No thanks,’ replies the bride, ‘I’ll just hang onto his shoulders.’
66
A newly-wed couple didn’t know the difference between putty and Vaseline. A week after the marriage all their windows fell out. Which was the least of their worries.
67
Two policemen are walking the beat when one says, ‘When I get home, I’m going straight upstairs and tearing off the wife’s underwear.’ ‘Feelling randy?’ asks the other. ‘No,’ says the first. ‘The elastic is killing me.’
68
Mary to Jill: ‘My last boyfriend said he fantasised about having two girls at once. Jill: ‘Most men do. What did you tell him?’ Mary: ‘I said, “If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?”’
69
A couple have just had sex. The woman says, ‘If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?’ The man takes off his condom, ties a knot in it, and flushes it down the toilet. ‘Well,’ he says. ‘If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.’
70
One night a policeman shines his torch on a man and his girlfriend making out in a parked car. ‘We aren’t doing anything, officer,’ says the man. ‘Really?’ says the policeman. ‘Well, in that case I’ll get in the car, and you can take the torch.’
71
‘Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.’ Fred Allen
72
A man takes early retirement and leaves the big city for a crofter’s cottage in the Scottish Highlands. After a month of isolation he hears a knock on his door. He answers it and sees an enormous Scottish farmer standing outside. ‘I hear you’re new around here,’ says the farmer, ‘Yes, I am,’ replies the man. ‘I thought I’d introduce myself and ask you to a party I’m having,’ says the farmer. ‘That’s very nice. I’d love to come,’ says the man. ‘I’d better warn you there’ll be lots o’drinking,’ says the farmer. ‘I don’t mind, I like a drink,’ replies the man. ‘And nee doubt they’ll be a few fights breaking out,’ says the farmer. ‘That’s okay, I can take care of myself,’ replies the man. ‘And things get a bit frisky in the wee hours,’ says the farmer. ‘There’ll be lots of sex.’ ‘That’s fine by me,’ says the man. ‘I haven’t had any female company for a long time.’ ‘Och, there’ll be no lassies,’ says the farmer. ‘It’s just the two of us.’
73
A young couple get between the sheets for the first time. In a flash it’s over. The boy says, ‘If I’d known you were a virgin I’d have taken more time.’ His girlfriend replies, ‘If I’d known you were going to take more time I’d have taken off my tights.’
74
A circus owner advertises for a lion tamer. Two people show up, one is a young man and the other is a gorgeous girl. The circus owner says, ‘I’m not going to lie to you. This is a ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good. Here’s your equipment; a chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?’ The girl volunteers. She walks past the whip and the gun, steps into the lion’s cage and sits in the chair. The lion charges but the girl throws open her coat revealing that she’s naked underneath. The lion stops dead in his tracks, licks her legs, then rests its head in her lap. The circus owner is astonished, ‘I’ve never seen anything like that in my life.’ He turns to the young man and says, ‘Can you top that?’ The young man replies, ‘Sure I can – as soon as you get that damn lion out of the way.’
75
A couple and their ten-year-old son live in an apartment in the city. The couple decide that the only way they can have a Sunday afternoon quickie with their son in the apartment is to send him out on the balcony and get him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The couple go to bed and the boy begins his commentary: ‘There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,’ he says. ‘An ambulance just drove by.’ A few moments pass. ‘Looks like the Andersons have company,’ he calls out. After a minute he says, ‘Hey, Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.’ Mum and Dad shoot up in bed. ‘How do you know the Coopers are having sex?’ says Dad. The boy replies, ‘Because their kid is standing out on the balcony too.’
76
A father catches his young son coming out of the woods with the neighbour’s daughter. The father asks the boy what they’ve been getting up to and the son confesses that they’ve been indulging in hanky-panky. Father tells him not to do it again but gives the boy a biscuit as a reward for telling the truth. Next day the father catches his son doing exactly the same thing. Again he questions him, gets an answer, and again gives the boy a biscuit for telling the truth. The next day the same happens again and, again, the son is told off but given a reward for speaking the truth. The next day the son and the neighbour’s daughter are caught yet again. This time father goes into the kitchen and starts frying eggs. ‘Eggs?’ says mother. ‘What happened to the biscuits?’ Father replies, ‘He can’t keep that up living on biscuits.’
77
A little boy and his grandpa are walking in the garden when the boy sees a worm on the lawn. ‘Grandpa,’ he says, ‘I bet you £5 I can stick that worm back down its hole.’ ‘That’s impossible,’ replies Grandpa. ‘It’s too soft and wiggly to push back in the ground.’ The little boy runs inside, gets a can of hair lacquer, sprays the worm until it’s as stiff as a rod, then pokes it in the damp earth.’ Seeing this, Grandpa grabs the spray can and runs inside the house. Fifteen minutes later he comes back with a smile on his face and gives the little boy £10. ‘The bet was only for £5,’ says the boy. ‘I know,’ replies grandpa. ‘But grandma chipped in as well.’
78
A little boy is always biting his nails. In the end his mum gets cross and says, ‘If you carry on biting your nails. You’ll get bigger and bigger and bigger until you blow up like a balloon!’ A few days later the little boy is on the bus when a very pregnant woman sits opposite him. After a few minutes she realises the boy is staring at her. ‘Do you know me?’ she asks. ‘No,’ says the boy. ‘But I know what you’ve been doing.’
79
A little girl asks her mother about her origin. ‘How did I get here, Mummy?’ she says. Her mother replies, ‘Why, God sent you, honey.’ ‘And did God send you too, Mummy?’ she continues. ‘Yes, sweetheart, he did.’ ‘And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their mums and dads, too?’ ‘Yes, honey, all of them, too.’ The child shakes her head, ‘So you’re telling me there’s been no sex in this family for about 200 years? Heck, no wonder everyone’s so grouchy!’
80
A man and a woman get into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man says, ‘Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with it?’ ‘That doesn’t prove anything,’ says the woman. ‘Think about this – when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it about, what feels better, your ear or the finger?’
81
A man goes to the doctor with a broken leg. ‘How did this happen?’ asks the doctor. ‘Twenty years ago I went on holiday on a farm,’ says the man. ‘The farmer had a beautiful young daughter and on the first night I was there she came to my room in her nightie and asked if there was anything I’d like to give her. I told her I couldn’t think of anything. On the second night she came back and asked if I was sure there wasn’t anything I could give her. I said I still couldn’t think of anything. Then on the third night she came back and asked if I was positive there wasn’t anything I could give her. I said no, I still couldn’t think of anything.’ ‘So what’s that got to do with breaking your leg?’ asks the doctor. ‘Well,’ replies the man. ‘This morning I was up a ladder when I suddenly realised what I could have given her.’
82
A man picks up a gorgeous woman at a bar and they go back to her place. The man is surprised to see how many teddy bears and stuffed toys the woman has at her apartment – every surface is piled high with them. After a night of passion the man rolls over and says, ‘So. How was I?’ The woman replies. ‘Take any prize from the bottom shelf.’
83
A new monk arrives at the monastery and starts to help copying old texts by hand. However, the monk notices that there are errors in the text and that the monks are copying copies, not the original books. The new monk goes to the abbot of the monastery and points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued. The abbot agrees and decides to go and check the original books in the cellar. Hours later abbot still hasn’t returned, so one of the monks goes to look for him. The monk hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the abbot leaning over one of the books crying. ‘What’s wrong?’ asks the monk. The abbot looks at him and says, ‘The word is “celebrate”.’
84
A woman from New York is driving through a remote part of Texas when her car breaks down. An Indian on horseback comes along and offers her a ride. She climbs up behind him and they ride off. The trip is uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian lets out a loud whoop. When they arrive in town, he lets her off at the gas station, yells one final, ‘Yahoo!’ and rides off. ‘What did you do to get that Indian so excited?’ asks the gas station attendant. ‘Nothing,’ shrugs the woman. ‘I just sat behind him, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn to keep me steady.’ ‘That’ll explain it,’ says the attendant. ‘That Indian was riding bareback.’
85
A woman is standing in her front garden talking to her friend when she notices her husband coming home carrying a bunch of flowers. Her friend says, ‘Isn’t that nice. He’s bringing you a bouquet!’ The woman replies, ‘Yeah, great. That means another weekend flat on my back with my feet up in the air!’ The friend says, ‘What’s the matter? Don’t you have a vase?’
86
An elderly Italian man goes to confession. ‘Father,’ he says. ‘I’d like to ask you a moral question.’ ‘Certainly, my son,’ says the priest. ‘During the war a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door,’ says the old man. ‘And she asked me to hide her in return for sexual favours.’ ‘That was wrong of you,’ replies the priest. ‘You shouldn’t have taken advantage of the woman. But you did a good deed in saving her life. Say 50 Hail Marys.’ ‘No, father,’ says the old man. ‘That wasn’t the question.’ ‘Then what is your question?’ asks the Priest. The old man says, ‘Do I have to tell her the war is over?’
87
At the retreat, Jill and John are each told to write a sentence using the words ‘sex’ and ‘love’. Jill writes, ‘When two mature people are both passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.’ John writes, ‘I love sex.’
88
Harry meets up with a girl at a bar and they end up at her place. After a night of torrid sex, Harry wakes up the next morning and starts to get dressed. As he’s doing so, he notices a picture of a man on the dresser. The man looks very young and fit, and Harry starts to worry that he might be a jealous boyfriend or husband. The girl is waking up, so Harry says to her, ‘Excuse me, but who’s that a picture of? It’s not your husband is it?’ ‘Oh no,’ replies the girl. ‘That was me before the operation.’
89
A young honeymoon couple hire a cottage from an old lady. The cottage is in beautiful countryside just by a fishing lake, but the couple spend all their time indoors. Finally, the old lady knocks on the door to see if they’re okay. ‘We’re fine,’ says the young man. ‘We’re living on the fruits of love.’ ‘I guessed as much,’ says the old lady. ‘But would you mind not throwing the peelings out of the window – they’re choking my ducks.’
90
Little Johnny goes to stay on his uncle’s farm. One morning his aunt tells him to feed the animals but little Johnny is in a bad mood and he kicks at the chickens when he scatters their corn. He kicks the cow when he gives it its hay. And he kicks the pig when he fills its trough. ‘I saw what you did,’ says his aunt when he comes inside. ‘For kicking that chicken you’ll get no eggs this morning. For kicking the cow you’ll get no milk and for kicking the pig you’ll get no bacon.’ At that moment Uncle comes in and kicks the cat away from his chair. Little Johnny looks at his aunt and says, ‘Are you going to tell him or shall I?’
91
Mary and Jane are talking. Mary declares that she’s finally got pregnant after years of trying. ‘How did you manage it?’ asks Jane. ‘I went to that hypnotherapist on the High Street,’ replies Mary. ‘I got pregnant within two months.’ ‘Oh, my husband and I tried seeing him years ago,’ says Jane. ‘It didn’t work for us.’ ‘Of course it wouldn’t,’ replies Mary. ‘You have to go alone.’
92
Patrick and Michael go to a pub for a drink and see a sign saying, ‘Buy a double whisky and get a chance of free sex.’ They both buy a double then ask the barman how to get the sex. ‘It’s simple,’ he says. ‘I think of a number between one and ten, and if you can guess what it is, you get laid.’ ‘Okay,’ says Patrick. ‘I’ll guess, three.’ ‘Sorry,’ says the barman. ‘You’re out of luck.’ Next day the pair return and, again, Patrick tries his luck at the free sex quiz, he guesses four. ‘Sorry,’ says the barman. ‘Better luck next time.’ Next day the pair come back and Patrick guesses, two. ‘Sorry,’ says the barman. ‘Wrong again.’ Patrick turns to Michael and says, ‘Y’ know I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged.’ ‘Oh no,’ says Michael. ‘My wife tried it last week and she won three times.’
93
Two teenage boys go to confession. In the booth the first boy admits having sex with a girl but refuses to name her. The priest asks, ‘It wasn’t Mary Jones, was it?’ The boy says, ‘No, Father, it wasn’t.’ The priest asks, ‘Was it Angela Brown?’ The boy replies, ‘No, Father, it wasn’t.’ The priest asks, ‘It wasn’t Jane Carter, by any chance?’ The boy says, ‘No, Father it wasn’t.’ The priest gives up and says, ‘Well, for your penance say fifty Hail Marys and leave half your pocket money in the poor box.’ When the boy leaves his friend asks him how it went. The boy replies, ‘Not bad, a £5 fine and three great leads.’
94
I tried some of that aphrodisiac rhino horn and it really worked. I’m really beginning to fancy those rhinos now.
95
I tried some of that aphrodisiac rhino horn. Now I’ve got an overwhelming desire to charge at Land Rovers.
96
On the beach, how can you recognise a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll? He doesn’t stare at the bikinis, he stares at the beach balls.
97
‘One year they wanted to make me poster boy – for birth control.’ Rodney Dangerfield
98
Condoms are not completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus.
99
Did you hear about the idiot who put ice in his condom? He wanted to keep the swelling down.
100
Did you hear about the new ‘morning after’ pill for men? It changes their blood type.
101
Did you hear about the new contraceptive pill for men? You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.
102
Grandmother is so stupid, she’s gone on the pill because she doesn’t want any more grandchildren.
103
Men, don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms; buy an ordinary one and slip in a handful of frozen peas.
104
She’s got her very own method of birth control. She takes her make-up off.
105
A guy walks into a drug store and asks for a packet of condoms. The pharmacist says, ‘That’ll be £5.00 with the tax.’ ‘Tacks?’, the guy exclaims. ‘I thought you rolled them on!’
106
Why did the Irishman wear two condoms? To be sure, to be sure.
107
‘I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, and she said “No”.’ Woody Allen
108
Murphy the bus driver is sitting in his cab when his supervisor comes along. ‘Hello, Murphy,’ he says. ‘What time did you pull out this morning?’ ‘I didn’t,’ replies Murphy. ‘And I’ve been worrying about it all day.’
109
A woman walks into a chemist’s and asks if they sell extra-large condoms. ‘Yes, we do,’ says the sales assistant. ‘Would you like to buy some?’ ‘No thanks,’ replies the woman. ‘But if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.’
110
A father and son go to a grocery store and see a display of condoms. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes. The father replies, ‘Well, you see that three-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night.’ ‘ What’s the six-pack for?’ asks the son. The father replies, ‘That’s for when you’re in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday morning.’ ‘So what’s the 12-pack for,’ asks the son. The father replies, ‘That’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February…’
111
A man is being shown around a rubber factory. In one room he’s shown a machine that goes, ‘Bang, hiss, bang, hiss, bang, hiss…’ ‘This is the machine that makes teats for babies’ bottles,’ says the factory owner. ‘The “bang” sound is the noise made when the teat is formed, and the “hiss” sound is caused when we puncture a hole in the end of it.’ In the next room the man is shown a machine that goes, ‘Bang, bang, bang, bang, hiss, bang bang…’ ‘This is our condom-making machine,’ explains the factory owner. ‘But why does it go “hiss”?’ asks the man. The owner replies, ‘It’s to make sure there are enough babies for our teats.’
112
A man is out shopping when he discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. He buys a pack and shows his wife. ‘They’re in three colours,’ he tells her, ‘Gold, silver and bronze.’ ‘So what colour are you going to wear tonight?’ she asks. ‘Gold of course,’ replies the man. ‘Why don’t you wear silver?’ replies his wife. ‘It would be nice if you came second for a change!’
113
A man with a nervous tic applies for a job in a store. Unfortunately, his tic makes it look as if he’s winking all the time and it starts to put customers off. The store manager calls him over and explains the situation. ‘It’s not a problem,’ says the man. ‘I forgot to take my aspirin. All I need is a couple of pills and the winking will stop for the day.’ So saying, he reaches into his pockets to find some aspirin and starts dragging out handfuls of condoms. ‘Why all the condoms?’ asks the manager. ‘You’re not some sort of sex maniac are you?’ ‘No,’ replies the man, ‘But they’re what you get if you walk into a chemist winking and ask for a packet of aspirins.’
114
A man’s wife has gone away on a trip, so he takes the opportunity to take his secretary home and seduce her. The pair are on the bed getting steamed up when the man suddenly realises he doesn’t have any condoms. ‘I know,’ he says. ‘You can use my wife’s diaphragm. She keeps it in the dresser.’ The man looks but can’t find it. Eventually he ends up turning out all the drawers but still can’t find it. ‘Damn the woman!’ he shouts. ‘I always knew she didn’t trust me.’
115
A woman is smoking a cigarette at a bus-stop when it starts to rain. A man is doing the same and, when he feels the first drop of rain, he takes a condom out of his pocket, tears the end off and slips it over his cigarette to keep it dry. ‘What a great idea,’ thinks the woman and hurries over to achemist’s shop. ‘Can I have a packet of condoms,’ she says to the sales assistant. ‘Certainly madam,’ he says. ‘What size?’ The woman replies, ‘One that will fit a Camel.’
116
An old lady goes to her doctor and asks for contraceptive tablets, claiming they help her sleep at night. ‘Why would contraceptive pills make you sleep any better than normal?’ asks the doctor. The old lady replies, ‘Because I put them in my grandaughter’s coffee.’
117
One Monday morning a customer walks into a chemist’s with a complaint. ‘Last Friday you sold me a value pack of 100 condoms,’ he says. ‘But when I counted them up there were only 97.’ ‘Terribly sorry,’ says the chemist, bagging up the missing three condoms. ‘Hope I didn’t spoil your weekend.’
118
The Sergeant Major of a Scottish regiment goes into a chemist’s shop and places a tattered old condom on the counter. ‘How much to repair that?’ asks the Sergeant Major. ‘Oh dear,’ replies the chemist. ‘It’s in a bit of a state. I can sew it up there, and glue it here and here, but it’ll need tape down the edges and a very thorough wash. To be honest, it might be better to buy a new one.’ The Sergeant Major promises to think about it. Next day he returns and says, ‘I’ll take one of your condoms, please. I had a word with the lads and they reckon a new one would be a good investment.’
119
How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can’t find her pencil.
120
Three prisoners are locked in a cell. One takes out a harmonica and says, ‘At least I can play a little music and pass the time.’ The second prisoner pull out a pack of cards and says, ‘We can play games too.’ The third man pulls out a packet of tampons. ‘Those aren’t much use,’ says the first prisoner. ‘Yes they are,’ says the third prisoner. ‘On the packet it says we can use them to swim, play tennis and ski.’
121
‘A hooker once told me she had a headache.’ Rodney Dangerfield
122
Man to woman: ‘Have you ever had sex?’ Woman: ‘That’s my business!’ Man: ‘Ahh, a professional.’
123
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
124
A husband and wife are walking down the street when a beautiful young woman blows the husband a kiss. ‘I met her last week,’ explains the husband. ‘Professionally of course.’ The wife replies, ‘Which profession? Yours or hers?’
125
A tourist in Sweden is drinking in a bar when an attractive woman sits next to him. ‘Hello,’ he says. ‘Do you speak English?’ ‘Oh I speaking not much English,’ replies the woman. ‘How much?’ asks the man. The woman replies, ‘200 Kroner.’
126
Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘Heck. My wife is better than that.’ The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘You know? Your wife IS better.’
127
Good: Your daughter has got a new job. Bad: As a call girl. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very ugly: She makes more money than you.
128
A beautiful woman sits next to a drunk in a bar. He turns to her and says, ‘Hey, honey. How about you and me getting it on? I’ve got a couple of pounds and it looks like you could use the money.’ The woman turns to him and says, ‘What makes you think I charge by the inch?’
129
A man is sitting in a bar when an exceptionally gorgeous young woman enters. She’s so striking the man can’t take his eyes off her. The woman notices his attentive stare and walks over. ‘I can see you’re interested,’ says the woman. ‘So tell you what, I’ll do anything you want me to do for £100. But there’s one condition.’ ‘What’s that?’ stammers the man. The woman replies, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’ ‘And you’ll do absolutely anything I want?’ says the man. ‘Anything,’ replies the woman. The man thinks for a moment, then takes £100 out of his wallet. He gives her the money, looks into her eyes and says, ‘Paint my house.’
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A sex researcher phones one of the participants in a survey to check on a discrepancy. He asks the man, ‘In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered ‘twice weekly’. Your wife, on the other hand, answered ‘several times a night’. ‘That’s right,’ replies the man, ‘And that’s how it’s going to be until the mortgage is paid off.’
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An old lady walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says, ‘Doctor I think I might be a nymphomaniac.’ ‘I might be able to help you,’ replies the psychiatrist. ‘But I should warn you that I charge £100 an hour.’ ‘That’s reasonable,’ replies the old lady. ‘But how much for the whole night?’
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One Monday evening a tourist visits a brothel in Paris and, on leaving, is very surprised to be handed F5,000. The next evening he goes back and the same thing happens. He goes back on the third night, but doesn’t get a single centime. Upset, he complains to the concierge. The concierge says, ‘Why should we pay you? We don’t film on Wednesdays.’
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Paddy hires a call girl for the night, but when she arrives they discover that neither of them has any condoms. The girl doesn’t want to lose a sale, and Paddy doesn’t object, so they have sex without protection. Afterwards Paddy turns to the girl and says, ‘Oh God, I just thought. You don’t have AIDS do you.’ ‘No,’ says the girl. ‘Thank God for that,’ says Paddy. ‘I’d hate to catch it twice.’
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Paul is on the beach when he sees a beautiful busty girl in a bikini. He goes up to her and says, ‘I want to feel your breasts.’ ‘Get lost!’ shouts the girl. Paul then offers her £20 to feel her breasts. ‘£20?!’ she shouts. ‘Are you nuts!? Get away from me!’ ‘Okay,’ says Paul. ‘I’ll make it £100.’ ‘No way,’ says the girl. ‘Final offer,’ says Paul. ‘I’ll give you £500.’ The girl thinks and says, ‘£500 and all you want to do is feel my breasts?’ ‘That’s all,’ says Paul. ‘Well, okay,’ says the girl. ‘For £500 you can help yourself.’ So she undoes her bikini top and Paul starts massaging her huge bust. ‘Oh my God,’ mutters Paul under his breath. ‘Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Where am I going to get £500…?’
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I haven’t been the same since my testicles dropped. Mind you, I was hanging from a tree by them at the time.
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‘Its been a rough day. I put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.’ Rodney Dangerfield
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A young man is wandering through China when he comes upon a house in the mountains. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an ancient Chinese man. ‘I’m lost,’ says the young man. ‘Can you put me up for the night?’ ‘Certainly,’ says the old man. ‘But on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my young daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.’ The man agrees and is invited to sit at the dinner table. The old man’s daughter turns out to be young and beautiful, and later that night the man creeps into her room for a night of passion. At dawn, he creeps back to his room, exhausted and goes to sleep. A short while later he wakes to feel a weight on him. He opens his eyes and sees a large rock on his chest with a note reading, ‘Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.’ ‘That’s pretty crappy,’ thinks the man. ‘If that’s the best he can do, I don’t have much to worry about.’ The man gets up, walks to the window and throws the boulder out into a ravine. As he does so, he notices another note stuck to the window frame. It reads, ‘Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.’ The man looks down and sees that his testicle is indeed tied to the falling rock. The man jumps out of the window and is hoping for a soft landing that will save his testicle, when he sees a third note pinned to the rope. As he falls he reads, ‘Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.’
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A man picks up an nasty infection in his penis and goes to a doctor. ‘I’m sorry,’ says the doctor. ‘I can’t cure it. We’re going to have to amputate.’ The man is horrified and goes to get a second opinion. ‘I’m sorry,’ says the second doctor. ‘But your penis has got to come off.’ The man can’t accept this and seeks a third opinion. ‘There’s good news and bad news,’ says the third doctor. ‘The good news is that we don’t have to cut off your penis.’ ‘And what’s the bad news?’ asks the man. The doctor replies, ‘It just came off in my hand.’
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A surgeon is operating on a man when he slips up and accidentally cuts off the man’s testicles. To hide his mistake, the surgeon slips an onion into the man’s scrotum and sews it up. A month later the man comes back for a check-up. ‘So, have you noticed any differences since your operation?’ asks the surgeon nervously. ‘A few,’ replies the man. ‘I cry when I pee, my wife gets heartburn if she gives me a blow-job, and I get an erection every time I go near a hot-dog stand.’
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Three hunters are sitting around a campfire exchanging their worst experiences. The first guy says he was once up scaffolding washing windows when the scaffolding collapsed and he broke every bone in his body. The second guy says he was hitch-hiking once when a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back. The third guy says, ‘Well, I’ll tell you the second worst experience I ever had. One time I was out hunting and I had to take a crap, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers and crouched. Then wham! A bear trap snapped shut on my testicles.’ ‘Wow!’ says the first guy. ‘If that was the second worst, what was the worst?’ The third man replies, ‘That would be when I reached the end of the chain…’
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Well, you know what they say: unlucky in love, get the clap.
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What do nostalgic gynaecologists do? Look up old friends.
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Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
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‘I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alley and lost him.’ Emo Philips
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Do you know how to play gay poker? Queens are wild and straights don’t count.
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How do you make a fruit cordial? Compliment his shoes. ‘Sex for an old guy is a bit like shooting pool with a rope.’ George Burns
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Tom to Dick: ‘My mother made me a homosexual.’ Dick: ‘If I bought her enough wool would she make me one as well?’
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Nigel, a college student is talking to a friend. ‘Y’ know,’ he says. ‘I think my room-mate is queer.’ ‘Why d’you say that?’ asks the student. ‘Well,’ replies Nigel. ‘Every time I kiss him goodnight he shuts his eyes.’
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A man goes into a bar looking glum. ‘What’s the matter?’ asks the barman. ‘I’ve just discovered my eldest son is gay,’ says the man. A week later the man is back looking even more miserable. He says to the barman, ‘I’ve just discovered my second son is gay.’ A week later he’s back looking extremely depressed, ‘Today my youngest son told me he’s gay as well.’ ‘Heck,’ says the barman. ‘Does anyone in your family like women?’ ‘Yes,’ says the man. ‘It turns out my wife does.’
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A thug goes into a pub looking for a fight. He stands on a chair and shouts, ‘Anyone on the left side of the pub is a wanker! Anyone want to disagree?!’ No one moves a muscle, so the thug shouts, ‘Anyone on the right side of the pub is a poofter! Anyone want to disagree?!’ No one on the right side of the pub moves, but a little old man on the left side stands up. ‘Oi!’ shouts the thug. ‘You looking for trouble?!’ ‘No,’ says the old man. ‘It’s just that I appear to be sitting on the wrong side of the room.’
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Little Lucy is playing in the garden when she spots two spiders mating. ‘Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?’ she asks. ‘They’re mating,’ replies Dad. ‘What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?’ asks Lucy. ‘That’s a daddy longlegs,’ replies Dad. Lucy replies, ‘So if one’s a daddy longlegs, the other must be a mummy longlegs?’ ‘No, dear,’ says Daddy. ‘Both of them are daddy longlegs.’ Lucy thinks for a moment, then stamps the insects flat. ‘Well,’ she says. ‘We’re certainly not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!’
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‘Sex for an old guy is a bit like shooting pool with a rope.’ George Burns
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How did the octogenarian car mechanic make love? He attached leads to his nipples and got a
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jump start from a younger man.
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Two old men hobble into the pub. One says, ‘I’ve heard Guinness puts lead in your pencil. Shall we try some?’ ‘All right,’ says the other. ‘But, to be honest, I’ve got nobody to write to.’
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An old man goes to his doctor and says, ‘Can you give me something to lower my sex drive.’ The doctor replies, ‘I would have thought at your age it’s all in the mind,’ ‘It is,’ agrees the old man. ‘That’s why I want it lower.’
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A ninety-year-old man and his eighteen-year-old bride return home from their honeymoon. ‘We made love nearly every night,’ he tells a friend. ‘We nearly made love on Monday. We nearly made love on Tuesday. We nearly made love on Wednesday…’
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Harry announces his plan to marry a nineteen-year-old stripper on his 75th birthday. His doctor says to him, ‘I think you ought to reconsider. Prolonged sex with a girl that young could be fatal.’ Harry shrugs and says, ‘If she dies, she dies.’
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An 85-year-old man marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that they should have separate honeymoon suites to prevent the old man overexerting himself. On the night, there’s a knock on the door and her groom comes in ready for action. After they’ve finished, he leaves her and she prepares to get some sleep. A few minutes pass and there’s another knock on the door. The bride opens the door to find her husband ready for more action. They go back to bed, have sex, and the old man leaves again. Once more the bride gets ready for sleep, but after a few minutes there’s another knock on the door and the elderly groom presents himself for another romp. Again they have sex. Afterwards the young bride compliments her husband on his stamina. ‘Three times in one night,’ she says. ‘There’s not many men who could manage that.’ The old man looks confused and says, ‘Manage what?’
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A 90-year-old man is boasting to a friend that he’s just got his 18-year-old wife pregnant. The friend says, ‘Let me tell you a story. This hunter I knew went out to shoot a bear but picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. Now, when he found that bear he pointed his umbrella at it and shot it through the head. What d’you think of that?’ ‘But that’s impossible,’ replies the old man. ‘If it’s true, someone else must’ve shot that bear.’ ‘My point exactly,’ says the friend.
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A middle-aged couple are discussing their plans. ‘When I’m 80,’ says the man, ‘I plan on finding myself a pretty 20-year-old, and I’ll have myself a real good time.’ The wife replies. ‘Well, when I’m 80, I’m going to find myself a handsome 20-year-old. And as you know, 20 goes into 80 a lot easier than 80 goes into 20!’
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A very old man and his young bride are in their honeymoon bed. The old man turns to his wife and says, ‘Darling, I hope your mother explained the facts of life to you.’ ‘No,’ replies the girl, ‘she didn’t.’ ‘Oh dear,’ replies her elderly husband. ‘It’s just that I seem to have forgotten them.’
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An eighty-year-old man is having his annual physical. After listening to the old man’s chest, the doctor says, ‘You have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?’ ‘No,’ replies the old man. ‘Do you drink to excess?’ asks the doctor. ‘No,’ replies the man. ‘Do you have a sex life?’ asks the doctor. ‘Yes, I do!’ says the old man. ‘Well,’ says the doctor. ‘I’m afraid you’ll have to cut your activity by half.’ ‘Which half?’ asks the old man. ‘The looking or the thinking?’
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An elderly couple go to a chemist’s to buy a packet of condoms. ‘Do you mind me asking how old you are?’ asks the shop assistant. ‘I’m 75,’ replies the old man. ‘And my wife is 73.’ ‘Well in that case you don’t need condoms,’ says the assistant. ‘It’s very unlikely that you will conceive at that age.’ ‘Oh we don’t want them for that,’ replies the old man. ‘It’s for the wife. She loves the smell of burning rubber.’
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An elderly couple go to a doctor complaining about the quality of their sex life. They ask if he’ll watch them having sex to see if anything is wrong. The doctor agrees and, after their romantic session, the doctor assures them that everything is fine. A week later, they come back and ask to do it again. Again the doctor agrees, watches them at it, and tells them they’re fine. However, a week later they’re back again with the same request. The doctor is annoyed, ‘This is the third time you’ve been in here. There’s nothing wrong with the way you make love!’ he says. ‘What’s really going on?’ ‘Well,’ the elderly man replies. ‘We’re both married, but not to each other. So I can’t go to her place, and she can’t go to mine. The local hotel charges £45 for a room, but you charge £35 for an office visit, plus we can write off 30 per cent to Medicare.’
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An elderly man is having trouble getting his young wife pregnant, so he goes to a clinic to have a sperm count. The doctor gives him a specimen cup and tells him to go home and fill it. Next day the old man shuffles into the doctor’s office with an empty cup. ‘I’m sorry, doctor,’ he says. ‘I tried, but couldn’t manage it. Then my wife tried for me and she couldn’t manage it either. I even got my friend Jake over so he could have a go. Then he called his son over and he couldn’t do it either. Didn’t matter what we tried – couldn’t get the lid off this damn cup.’
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An elderly woman returns home and finds her husband in bed with a young girl. Enraged she flings him out of the window and watches him plummet to his death. At her trial she pleads not guilty to murder. ‘How can you plead not guilty?’ asks the prosecuting lawyer. ‘You threw your husband to his death.’ ‘I don’t know he was going to die,’ replies the woman. ‘I reckoned if he could still commit adultery aged 98 there was a good chance he could fly too.’
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An old couple decide to get married after years of courting. They sit down to discuss the marriage arrangements and the prospective bridegroom brings up the subject of sex. ‘Oh dear,’ says his aging fiancée. ‘As far as sex goes I’d have to say, infrequently.’ ‘Pardon?’ replies the bridegroom. ‘Was that one word or two?’
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An old gentleman goes to his doctor to complain about a problem with his sex drive. ‘I don’t seem to have as much pep as I used to,’ says the old man. ‘I see,’ says the doctor. ‘And how old are you and your wife.’ ‘I’m 82,’ says the old man. ‘And my wife is 78.’ ‘And when did you first notice the problem?’ asks the doctor. The old man replies, ‘Twice last night and once again this morning.’
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An old lady is at her husband’s funeral. She tells her granddaughter that throughout their married life they had enjoyed physical relations each and every Sunday morning in time to the church bells. ‘Maybe he was getting a bit old for that sort of thing,’ says the daughter. ‘Nonsense,’ replies the old lady. ‘If it hadn’t been for that ice cream van, he’d be alive today.’
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An old man goes to a church, and makes a confession. ‘Father, I’m 75 years old. I’ve been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old model.’ The priest replies, ‘I see, my son. And when was your last confession?’ The old man says, ‘Never. I’m Jewish.’ ‘So why are you telling me?’ asks the priest. ‘I’m not just telling you,’ says the old man. ‘I’m telling everybody!’
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An old man makes it shakily through the door of a Nevada brothel and is accosted by the doorman. ‘You gotta be in the wrong place,’ says the doorman. ‘What the hell you looking for, old timer?’ The old man replies, ‘Is this where all the gals are ready for hire? I’m hankering for a good time.’ ‘Just how old are you, Pops?’ asks the doorman. ‘92,’ replies the old man. ‘92!’ exclaims the doorman ‘Boy, you’ve had it, Gramps’. A moment of confusion crosses the old man’s face, ‘Really?’ he says, fumbling in his wallet. ‘How much do I owe you?’
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An old man wakes up in the middle of the night and finds that his pecker is as hard as a rock for the first time in years. He wakes his wife and shows her his erection. ‘Look at that?’ he exclaims happily. ‘What do you think we ought to do with it?’ His wife replies, ‘Well, seeing as you’ve got all the wrinkles out, now might be a good time to wash it.’
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Two Chelsea pensioners are sitting outside their barracks watching an attractive girl walk past. ‘Here, Bert,’ says Harry. ‘Do you remember those bromide pills they gave us in the war to stop us chasing after women?’ ‘Yes,’ says Bert. ‘What about them?’ Harry replies, ‘I think mine are beginning to work.’
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Two old ladies are discussing their dead husbands. ‘Tell me,’ says one. ‘Did you have mutual orgasms?’ ‘No,’ says the other. ‘I think we were with the Prudential.’
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Two old soldiers, Fred and Harry, are sitting in their club. Harry turns to Fred and says, ‘When was the last time you made love to a woman?’ Fred thinks for a moment then says, ‘1947.’ ‘Good heavens,’ says Harry. ‘That’s a very long time ago.’ ‘Not reall
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‘I recently sold the rights of my love life to Parker brothers, they’re going to turn it into a game.’ Woody Allen
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‘My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.’ Les Dawson
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‘The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.’ Woody Allen
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‘You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.’ Drew Carey
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My sex life is terrible, when I called one of those phone sex lines, the voice said, ‘Not tonight. I have an earache.’
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My sex life isn’t dead, but the buzzards are circling.
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Sex is like air – it’s not important until you’re not getting any.
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An old woman dies a virgin and requests the following inscription on her headstone, ‘Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin.’ However, the undertaker economises – he inscribes ‘Returned unopened’.
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Harry is better at sex than anyone he know. Now all he needs is a partner.
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How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? When his hand caught fire.
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Mothers have Mother’s Day and fathers have Father’s Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday.
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What’s the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a ‘quickie’ but you do it yourself.
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Man to friend: ‘I read a survey that said half the men in the UK masturbate in the shower, and the other half sing. Do you know what they sing?’ Friend: ‘No I don’t.’ Man: ‘I thought you wouldn’t.’
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Pinnochio gets a girlfriend but she complains of getting splinters when they make love. Pinnochio goes to his doctor for advice and is told to use a sheet of sandpaper. Next week the doctor sees Pinnochio in the street. ‘How’s it going with the girlfriend?' asks the doctor. ‘Girlfriend?’ says Pinocchio. ‘Who needs a girlfriend?’
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Why is sex like a game of bridge? You don’t need a partner if you’ve got a good hand.
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Jones aside. ‘You’re in perfect health,’ he says. ‘Your wife didn’t give me an erection, either.’
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Men are like vacations – they never seem to be long enough.
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What did Adam say to Eve? ‘Stand back! I don’t know how big this thing gets!’
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What did the elephant say to the nude man? ‘It’s cute, but can it pick up peanuts?’
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Question master: ‘In the Garden of Eden, what were the first words Eve said to Adam?’ Contestant: ‘Gosh, that’s a hard one!’ Question master: ‘Well done. Two points.’
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A college lecturer asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stands up and says, ‘Well, I think I know, but I’m too embarrassed to tell you.’ The lecturer says, ‘Sit down, Susie. John, tell us what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated.’ John says, ‘The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light.’ The lecturer says, ‘That’s right.’ He then turns to Susie and says, ‘Two things: first you have a dirty mind, and second, as far as men are concerned, you’re in for a big disappointment.’
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A fireman says to his wife, ‘You know, we have a great new system at the fire station. Bell one rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell two rings and we all slide down the pole. And when bell three rings we’re on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say ‘bell one’, I want you to strip naked. When I say ‘bell two’, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say ‘bell three’, we are going to make love all night.’ The next night he comes home and yells, ‘bell one!’ His wife promptly takes her clothes off. Then he yells, ‘bell two!’, and his wife jumps into bed. Then he yells ‘bell three!’, and they begin making love, but after a few moments the wife yells, ‘bell four!’ ‘What the hell is bell four?’ asks the husband? ‘Roll out more hose,’ she yells. ‘You’re nowhere near the fire!’
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A little boy goes to the zoo with Mummy. ‘Mummy,’ he says. ‘What’s that thing hanging down from the elephant.’ ‘That’s his trunk,’ says mummy. ‘No,’ said the little boy. ‘Further back.’ ‘That’s his tail,’ replies mummy. ‘No,’ says the little boy. ‘The thing hanging down between his trunk and his tail.’ ‘Oh,’ says mummy. ‘Er, that’s nothing.’ Back home the little boy asks his dad the same question. ‘What’s that thing that hangs down from an elephant?’ ‘That’s his trunk,’ says Dad. ‘No,’ says the little boy. ‘Further back.’ ‘That’s his tail,’ replies Dad. ‘No,’ says the little boy. ‘Between his trunk and his tail. I saw one at the zoo today with Mummy, and Mummy said it was nothing.’ ‘Ah, well,’ says Dad. ‘Your mummy’s been spoilt.’
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A man goes to his doctor to see if there’s anything that can be done about his lisp. After an examination, the doctor tells the man that his huge penis is pulling his lips off-centre. The only way to cure the lisp is to cut off the huge organ. Reluctantly the man agrees and has the operation. However, a month later the man is back, ‘I want my penis back,’ says the man. ‘I was a fool to have that operation. I can live with the stupid lisp but I can’t do without my giant penis.’ ‘Oh yeah,’ says the doctor. ‘Well thcrew you.’
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A man is shipwrecked on a desert island and survives for 30 years. One day a beautiful woman is washed ashore. She asks him how he’s managed to survive so long on a barren island. ‘I pick berries and dig for clams,’ replies the man. ‘And what do you do for love?’ asks the women. ‘Love?’ replies the man. ‘It’s been so long I’ve forgotten how to do it.’ ‘Then let me show you,’ responds the woman, which she then does – three times in a row. ‘So what did you think of that?’ asks the woman when they’d finished. ‘That was great,’ replies the man. ‘But look what you did to my clam-digger!’
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A Texan goes into a New York department store to buy a new suit. ‘Can I ask your chest size?’ asks the sales assistant. ‘54 inches,’ replies the Texan. ‘We grow them big in Texas.’ ‘And your outside leg?’ asks the assistant. ‘44 inches,’ replies the Texan. ‘We grow them big in Texas.’ ‘And if, sir, won’t mind me asking about his…?’ says the assistant. ‘Way ahead of you,’ says the Texan. ‘It’s four inches.’ ‘Four inches?’ replies the assistant. ‘I’m bigger than that and I’m from California.’ ‘Hold on, sonny,’ replies the Texan. ‘That’s four inches from the ground.’
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A woman is divorcing her husband on the grounds of cruelty. His organ is so large it hurts her to have sex. After she has explained her problem to a lawyer, he tells her that he’ll file her petition. ‘Stuff that!’ says the woman. ‘Why can’t you go round and sandpaper his down a bit.’
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Harry and Pete are on the beach, and Harry can’t understand why Pete is getting so much female attention. ‘It’s simple,’ says Pete. ‘Just stick a potato down your bathing trunks and walk around for a while.’ Harry takes this advice, sticks a potato down his trunks, and parades up and down the shoreline. However, after many hours he fails to arouse any female interest at all. Discouraged, he goes back to Pete, who immediately identifies the problem, ‘You’re meant to put the potato down the front of your trunks…’
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Mr Jones goes to his doctor and tells him that he can’t get an erection when he’s in bed with his wife. ‘Bring her back with you tomorrow,’ says the doctor. ‘We’ll see what I can do.’ The next day Mr Jones returns with his wife. ‘Take off your clothes, Mrs Jones,’ says the doctor. ‘Now turn round. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.’ The doctor takes Mr Jones aside. ‘You’re in perfect health,’ he says. ‘Your wife didn’t give me an erection, either.’
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The kings of Spain, France, and England are standing on stage ready to show the world who of the three has the largest penis. The king of Spain takes his out and, as its impressive proportions are seen, all the Spanish people shout: ‘Viva Espan˜ a!’ The king of France is next. He drops his pants and as his is even larger. All the French scream: ‘Vive la France!’ Next comes the king of England. He drops his pants and, after a stunned silence, everyone exclaims: ‘God save the Queen!’
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‘Penis envy. I’m one of the few males who suffers from that.’ Woody Allen
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A man says to his wife, ‘You know what, two inches more and I’d be king.’ She replies, ‘Two inches less and you’d be queen.’
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What’s a man’s ultimate embarrassment? Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.
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A man and woman are lying in bed after a disappointing bout of sex. ‘You’ve got a very small organ,’ says the woman. The man replies, ‘Well I didn’t know I’d be playing in the Albert Hall.’
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A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home. He takes off his shirt and the woman says, ‘What a great chest you have.’ The bodybuilder replies, ‘That’s 1,000 pounds of dynamite.’ He takes off his pants and the woman says, ‘What massive calves you have.’ The bodybuilder replies, ‘That’s 500 pounds of dynamite.’ He then takes off his underwear. The woman takes one look and runs screaming out of the apartment. The bodybuilder chases after her and asks why she ran. The woman replies, ‘I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have.’
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A couple have been dating for a few weeks, but the guy has been afraid of making advances because he thinks his penis is on the small side. Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her down lovers’ lane. While they’re kissing, he opens his trouser zip and guides her hand onto his organ. ‘No thanks,’ says the girl. ‘I don’t smoke.’
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A man marries a girl from a very sheltered background. On their first night together he shows her his penis and, thinking it might stop her playing around in the future, tells her it’s the only one in the world. A week later his bride says, ‘You remember that thing you showed me? You said you had the only one in the world.’ ‘That’s right,’ replies the man. ‘Well, it’s not true,’ says the bride. ‘The man next door has one too.’ The man replies, ‘Well, yes, I used to have two of them, but that man is a good friend so I gave him one of mine.’ His wife whines, ‘Awww, but why did you have to give him the best one?’
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‘I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping Tom booing me.’ Rodney Dangerfield
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‘My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.’ Rodney
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My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
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The four words most hated by men during sex? ‘Is it in yet?’
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Why don’t women blink during foreplay? They don’t have time.
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It’s the morning after the honeymoon. The wife says, ‘You know, you’re a really lousy lover.’ The husband replies, ‘How can you possible tell that after only 30 seconds.’
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The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, ‘Doctor, why do men always want to marry a virgin?’ To which the doctor responded, ‘To avoid criticism.’
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The three words most hated by men during sex: ‘Are you done?’ The three words most hated by women during sex, ‘Honey, I’m home!’
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‘Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation. Can you help me?!’ ‘No, but I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span!’
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Apparently, he’s trying to become a father again, even though he’s now 87. And you have to admit that is an exceptionally low sperm count.
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How can you tell if your girlfriend’s frigid? When you open her legs, the lights go on.
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In bed my girlfriend used to mentally dress me.
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My doctor examined my testicles for me and found two small lumps. Luckily it turned out they were my testicles.
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My girlfriend used to fake foreplay. A man falls asleep on a beach and gets severe sunburn. He’s rushed to hospital by his wife
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‘The marketers of Viagra have a new slogan, “Let the Dance Begin”. This is better than the original, “Brace Yourself, Grandma!”’ Jay Leno
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A teenage boy overdosed on ten bottles of Viagra. Not only is he lucky to be alive, he’s lucky not to have taken his eye out.
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A truck loaded with Viagra crashed into the Willamette River in Oregon. Now none of the bridges will come down.
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Did you hear about the 15-year-old boy who took a bottle of Viagra? He was rushed to hospital with third degree friction burns.
232
Have you heard about the Viagra computer virus? It turns your 31/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.
233
Last night I tried a Viagra for the first time. When I swallowed it, it got stuck in my throat. This morning I woke up with a stiff neck!
234
Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn’t really care where.
235
Scientists have just released Viagra in the form of eye drops. Apparently it does nothing for your sex life but it makes you look really hard.
236
Since the release of Viagra, exotic dancers now claim they’re receiving a lot more standing ovations.
237
They’ve started giving Viagra to old men in nursing homes. It keeps them from rolling out of bed!
238
What do Viagra and Disney World have in common? You have to wait an hour for a twominute ride.
239
What’s the difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.
240
A lady walks into a pharmacy and says, ‘Do you have Viagra?’ ‘Yes,’ replies the pharmacist. ‘Does it work?’ asks the lady. ‘Certainly,’ says the pharmacist. ‘Can you get it over the counter?’ asks the lady. ‘Only if I take six,’ says the pharmacist.
241
A man falls asleep on a beach and gets severe sunburn. He’s rushed to hospital by his wife where the doctor rubs lotion over him and prescribes Viagra. ‘Viagra?’ exclaims the wife. ‘What good is Viagra in his condition?’ The doctor replies, ‘It’ll help keep the sheets off him.’
242
A man goes to his doctor and asks for three Viagra tablets. ‘I have a girl coming round Friday,’ explains the man, ‘and another on Saturday, and a third on Sunday.’ The doctor gives him the tablets and tells him to come back for a check-up on Monday. Next week the man comes back with his arm in a sling. ‘What happened to you?’ asks the doctor. ‘Not much,’ replies the man. ‘They all cancelled.’
243
Father hears banging from the basement and wanders downstairs to see what’s happening. He finds his son, Timmy, pounding a nail into the wall. ‘Why are you banging that nail?’ asks father. Timmy replies, ‘It’s not a nail, it’s a worm. I mixed some chemicals from my chemistry set, put it on it the worm and it became as hard as a rock.’ ‘Tell you what, son,’ says Father. ‘Give me your formula and I’ll buy you a new Volkswagen.’ Timmy agrees and next day he and Father go into the garage to look at the new car. However, all Timmy can see is a brand new Mercedes. ‘Where’s my Volkswagen?’ asks Timmy. ‘Behind the Mercedes,’ says Father. ‘By the way, the Merc’s from your mother.’
244
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK’s health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport: however, it was hijacked on the way to the depot. Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
245
A woman takes her sixteen-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, ‘OK, Mrs Jones, what’s the problem?’ The mother says, ‘It’s my daughter Frances. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.’ The doctor gives Frances a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, ‘Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Frances is pregnant – about four months would be my guess.’ The mother says, ‘Pregnant?! She can’t be. She has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Frances?’ Frances says, ‘No, Mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!’ The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, ‘Is there something wrong out there, Doctor?’ The doctor replies, ‘No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!’
246
An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. ‘What are you doing?’ he shouted. To which his wife said to her lover, ‘I told you he was stupid.’
247
Are you male or female? To find the answer, see below!
248
Be safety conscious: 80 per cent of people are caused by accidents.
249
Except for 75 per cent of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
250
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.
251
I used to be into necrophilia, sado-masochism and bestiality but everyone told me I was just flogging a dead horse.
252
Masochist: Hurt me! Sadist: No.
253
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
254
Two men were discussing former loves. One confessed that he had once broken up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. His friend was appalled, ‘I’m shocked. I never knew you to be prejudiced against disabilities. What was the girl’s problem?’ His friend paused and reflected. ‘She couldn’t say “Yes”.’
255
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
256
People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.
257
Pretend to spank me – I’m a pseudo-masochist!
258
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
259
Jack and his friend Bob went skiing. They loaded up Jack’s car and headed north. After a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard and pulled into the driveway of a farm owned by a very rich widow. They went to the door and asked the attractive lady who answered if they could spend the night there. ‘Oh, it’s such terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself. But I’m recently widowed,’ she said, ‘and I’m afraid of what the neighbours will say if I let two attractive young men stay in my house.’ ‘Don’t worry,’ Jack said. ‘We’ll be happy if you just let us sleep in your barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they left and had a great skiing weekend. But nine months later Jack got a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of the attractive widow in whose barn he and Bob had stayed. So he drove to see his friend Bob and asked, ‘Bob, remember nine months ago that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?’ ‘Yes, I do.’ ‘Did you get up in the middle of the night and go up to the house and pay her a visit?’ ‘Yes,’ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. ‘I have to admit that I did.’ ‘And did you stay the night with her?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘And did you happen to use my name instead of your own?’ Bob’s face turned red and he said, ‘Yeah, sorry, mate. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?’ ‘She just died and left me everything.’
260
don"t make love at the garden gate - love is blind but neighbours aint!
261
if the answer is cock robin, what is the question?
What"s that up my bum batman!
262
My boyfriend said "sorry" to me during foreplay the other night.
When I asked him why, he said it was because he had hurt me.
I denied it but he said he must have done because I had moved.
263
My friend told me today that he"s having it away with twins. I asked him how he told the difference. "One"s got a moustache" he said.
264
A man was making love to a very, very fat lady. "Can we turn the light off?" he asked. "Why, are you shy?" she asked. "No. Its burning my arse", he replied.
265
Why can"t Frankenstein have children?
Because his nuts are in his neck!!!!!!!!!!
266
A couple decide that in order to solve their financial problems, the wife will sell her body for sex.
After her first day on the game her husband is keen to see how much cash she has brought home, only to be dissapointed when she reveals £50.10.
"Who gave you the 10p " he demands.
"They all did" she replies.
267
A man "phones home and a two-uear-old child answers sweetly, "Hello, Daddy"
"Hello, love. Where"s Mummy?"
"She"s up in the bedroom in the bed with Uncle John.
"What!"
Pause.
"Now, love, go up and tell them you can see my car in the drive."
"Yes, Daddy."
Long pause now. The man hears various noises he doesn"t understand, then the child comes back to the "phone and says all in a rush, "O Daddy, Daddy, it"s awful, Mummy rushed out of the bedroom all naked and tripped down the stairs and sh"s dead and Uncle John jumped out of the window into the swimming pool and he didn"t know you"d drained it and he"s killed himself too, Daddy."
"But we don"t have a swimm-----O, sorry, wrong number!"
268
What"s long, hard & makes women groan? An ironing board.
269
I still enjoy sex at 75.
As I live at 77 it"s not too far to travel !!!
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