After Mary Poppins was done with her film, she went to California and became an expert at predicting people with bad breath. Her sign read: ‘Super California Psychic – expert, halitosis.’

Did you hear about the poor fortune teller? He’s not making much of a prophet.

Fortune teller: You will be miserable, depressed and unhappy until your 40th birthday. Client: Then things will improve? Fortune teller: No, you’ll just get used to it by then.

Prediction is very difficult – especially for the future.

Psychic exhibition cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

Why aren’t psychics rich?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

A ventriloquist sets up a new shop. He has a big sign, but no one comes in. He’s in business six months and still not a single customer. A friend gives him a tip: ‘There’s no money in ventriloquism. Séances are where the money is, not ventriloquism!’ So the man changes his entire shop, sign and all. Sign now says: ‘Séances – £25-£50-£125.’ First day he’s open a woman comes in and enquires about a séance to talk to her dead husband. She asks about the different prices. ‘What do you get for £25?’ ‘Well, for £25 you get to talk to your husband.’ ‘What about £50?’ ‘Well, for £50 you get to talk to him and he talks back.’ ‘What do you get for £125?’ ‘For £125, you talk to him and he talks back to you while I drink a glass of water!’