‘Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.’ George Burns

A Liberal is a man who makes enemies left and right.

A man goes up to a politician at a party and says, ‘I’ve heard a lot about you.’ The politician replies, ‘But you can’t prove any of it.’

Apologies for the mess. We’ve got the Conservatives in.

Capitalism is the exploitation of one man by another. Communism is the opposite.

Crime means you have to take the money and run. In politics you run, then you take the money.

Dick took a seat at the House of Commons the other day. But they made him put it back.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite Government programme.

If voting really could change anything it would be illegal.

No matter who you vote for the Government always seems to get in.

Politicians and babies’ nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don’t understand – such as working for a living.

The four stages of Socialism: utopian, scientific, real and curfew.

The Prime Minister has left the country on a tour of friendly countries. He’s expected home tomorrow.

There are three kinds of lie: a small lie, a big lie and politics.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

What do Japanese men do when they have elections? Vote.

What’s the difference between the Government and the Mafia? One of them is organised.

Why did the Israelis stay out of the Gulf War? Because the last time they spoke with a Bush they spent forty years wandering in the desert.

He’s the finest politician money can buy.

Why do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process of Government? ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

A politician is in bed asleep with his wife when there’s a massive storm and a bolt of lightning lights up the entire bedroom. The politician leaps up and shouts, ‘I’ll buy the negatives! I’ll buy the negatives!’

Two political opponents are having an argument. ‘There are many ways of making money,’ says the first. ‘But there is only one honest way.’ ‘And what’s that?’ asks the second. The first replies, ‘I had a feeling you wouldn’t know.’

A US politician goes to an Indian reservation to try and drum up support. He stands on a barrel and delivers a rousing speech. First he promises less taxes and his audience reply by shouting, ‘Hoya! Hoya!’ ‘Hey, they like me,’ thinks the politician. He then promises the Indians better public facilities. ‘Hoya! Hoya!’ shouts his audience. The politician is delighted and then promises to increase the reservation lands by fifty per cent. The crowd yells back, ‘Hoya! Hoya!’ ‘This is fantastic!’ thinks the politician. ‘They’re eating out of my hand.’ He gets off his barrel and asks one of the chiefs if he can give another speech next week. ‘We’ll talk about it while I walk you back to your car,’ says the chief. The chief escorts the politician to his limo parked by a cattle pen. ‘I did pretty good back there,’ says the politician. ‘You think so?’ answers the chief. ‘Hey, watch your shoes! You almost stepped in that big pile of hoya.’

An Englishman, a Swede and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. ‘Look at that beautiful garden,’ muses the Englishman. ‘Only an Englishman could grow a garden as beautiful as that.’ ‘Nonsense,’ says the Swede. ‘They’re naked and unashamed. They must be Scandinavian.’ ‘Rubbish,’ says the Russian. ‘No clothes, no house, one apple between them, and they’re told it’s paradise – definitely Russian.’

In the days of the Cold War three men are sitting in a Bulgarian café. One man looks at a newspaper, shakes his head and sighs. The second man looks at his newspaper shakes his head and sighs. The third man reaches for his hat and coat and says, ‘If you two are going to discuss politics, I’m off.’

Tony Blair is skating on a frozen pond when the ice cracks and he falls in. Luckily three little boys are on hand to pull him out. ‘You’ve saved my life,’ says Tony. ‘How can I repay you?’ ‘I’d like a toy car,’ says one boy. ‘I’d like a toy plane,’ says another boy. ‘I’d like a motorised wheelchair,’ says the third boy. ‘Why do you want a wheelchair?’ asks Tony. ‘You look very healthy to me.’ ‘I am,’ says the little boy. ‘But I’m going to need one when my dad discovers I saved Tony Blair.’

Two local councillors are attending a meeting at the Town Hall. One says, ‘Have you heard of George Pringle?’ ‘No,’ says the other. ‘Well,’ says the first, ‘if you’d bothered to attend a few more council meetings, you’d know that he’s now in charge of the Borough sewage works.’ ‘Oh,’ says the second councillor. ‘And have you heard of Thomas Harris?’ ‘No,’ says the first councillor. ‘Who’s he?’ ‘Well,’ says the second councillor, ‘if you’d attended fewer council meetings you’d know he’s the man who’s been sleeping with your wife.’

A Conservative is a person who lives in a past that never existed.

A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. ‘So, Vladimir, how many votes did you get?’ asks his wife. ‘Two,’ he responds. She slaps him hard across the face. ‘What was that for?’ ‘You have a mistress now, do you?!’

A policeman was coming home from work one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a colleague coming towards his car, so he asked what was wrong. The cop said, ‘We are in a crisis situation. Tony Blair is in the road very upset. He does not have the £15 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire.’ The policeman asked exactly what he was doing there. His colleague said, ‘I feel sorry for the prime minister so I am going car to car asking for donations.’ ‘How much do you have so far?’ asked the policeman. ‘Well, as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!’

A politician was once asked about his attitude towards whisky. ‘If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise!’

Freedom of speech is wonderful – right up there with the freedom not to listen.

Have you heard about the prime minister doll? You wind it up and it does nothing for five years.

Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you’re hungry for power.

How come we choose from just three people to run for prime minister and 50 for Miss World? politically correct Being politically correct means always having to say you’re sorry.

Little boy to his father: I didn’t know they could call them ‘morons’ on TV!

Newscaster announcing an election special: More on candidates at 10 p.m.

What’s the difference between feudalism and democracy? In a democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

Marx’s tomb is a communist plot.

At a meeting for peace negotiations, Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussein were in Baghdad, and when Bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddam with three buttons on the arm of his chair. After a few minutes Saddam pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until Saddam pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in the chin. Saddam started laughing. But again Bill ignored this and continued. A minute later Bill saw Saddam press the third button and he jumped in the air. A big boot sprung out and hit him in the butt. Bill decided he had had enough of this and went back home. Three weeks later the peace negotiations were rescheduled in Washington and as Saddam sat down in Bill’s conference room, he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking, Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened. Bill started giggling. They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button. Saddam moved but again nothing happened. Saddam was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and started pissing himself but again nothing happened. Saddam had had enough of this, so stood up and said, ‘That’s it! I’m going back to Baghdad!’ To which Bill replied, ‘What Baghdad?’