‘How old is your granddad?’ ‘I don’t know but we’ve had him a long time!’

Old is when… ‘getting a little action’ means you don’t need to take any fibre today.

Old is when…a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

Old is when…no one expects you to run into a burning building.

Old is when…when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

Old is when…you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

Old is when…your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

Old is when…your wife says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,’ and you answer, ‘Honey, I can’t do both!’

A man in his late 70s is at the pub with a mate of his, discussing their respective wives. ‘Mine still thinks she’s a young woman.’ ‘If you want to know how young she is, you could try this little trick. When you get home, ask her what’s for dinner from several distances. Start at 30 feet, then 25 feet, then 20, and so on. The sooner she hears you, the younger she is.’ So, an hour later, the man arrives home and shouts, at a distance of about 30 feet from his wife: ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ No answer. He goes a bit closer. ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ Still no answer. He goes closer, asks it again, no response… When he’s finally standing in the doorway of the kitchen, about five feet away from his wife, he yells, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?!’ His wife turns around briskly and says, sounding irritated: ‘I’ve already told you three times now: chicken and mushrooms!’

A reporter was interviewing an 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about fifteen minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another batch he asks her: ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?’ ‘We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth,’ she replies. ‘We just love the chocolate around them.’

A woman is looking at herself naked in the mirror. She says to her husband, ‘Darling, I’m old and fat. Cheer me up. Pay me a compliment.’ ‘Well,’ he replies, ‘your eyesight is still good!’

As a child I was very young.

At the shops a man noticed a lady eyeing his two adopted children curiously. The boy was blond, while the girl was black. The lady continued staring. Finally, she asked, ‘Those your kids?’ ‘Yes, they are!’ he answered proudly. ‘They adopted?’ she asked. ‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘I thought so,’ she concluded. ‘I figured you’re too old to have kids that small.’

At the urging of his doctor, an elderly man moved to the deepest countryside. After settling in, he met a neighbour who was also an older man. ‘Say, is this really a healthy place?’ ‘It sure is,’ the man replied. ‘When I first arrived here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed.’ ‘That’s wonderful!’ said the newcomer. ‘How long have you been here?’ ‘I was born here.’

George, Bob and Jeff are sat talking in the old folks’ home. George: ‘This getting old is no fun. I wake at six o’clock every morning, by ten past I need a pee. But for the life of me, I just can’t manage it. It is so uncomfortable.’ old age 367 Bob: ‘That’s nothing, mate. I wake at six o’clock and by twenty past I need a dump. But for the life of me, I just can’t manage it. It is so uncomfortable.’ Jeff: ‘That is nothing, gents. I go for a wee at ten past six, and a dump at twenty past six every morning without fail.’ Bob: ‘What is so bad about that?’ Jeff: ‘I don’t wake up until seven.’

Here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt the regimen for yourself – but be careful to take it gradually. Three days a week works well. Begin by standing straight, with a 5 lb potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Eventually try to reach a full minute. Relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10 lb potato sacks, and then 50 lb potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each sack, but be careful not to overdo it.

I knew her 30 years ago, and she looked just like she looks today. Haggard.

Middle age is when you know your way around but don’t feel like going.

My father lived to be 100, which he put down to tomatoes. He never touched them.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that an ironic time for a man to get those odds?

The census taker knocked on old Miss Barker’s door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age. ‘But everyone tells their age to the census taker,’ he said. ‘Did Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?’ she asked. ‘Certainly,’ he replied ‘Well, I’m the same age as they are,’ she snapped. ‘As old as the Hills,’ he wrote on his form.

There were four 80-year-old men playing golf. One complained the hills were too high. The second complained the bunkers were too deep. The third said the holes were too wide. The fourth one said, ‘Shut up! At least we’re still on the right side of the grass!’

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened. ‘First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while drinking vintage champagne and eating foie gras. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,’ says the coroner. ‘Second body: Scotsman, 25, won £1,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.’ The inspector asks, ‘What of the third body?’ ‘Ah,’ says the coroner. ‘This is the most unusual one: Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning.’ ‘Why is he smiling then?’ enquires the inspector. ‘He thought he was having his photo taken.’

Three deaf old ladies are walking down the street. One: ‘Whew, it’s windy today!’ Two: ‘No. Today’s Thursday!’ Three: ‘So am I! Let’s get a drink!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’ The 94- year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses. ‘Was I going up the stairs or down?’ The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful.’ She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’

Two old gents and their nurse were sitting on the lawn of the nursing home enjoying the afternoon, when a little bird flew over and dropped a load on the bald head of one of the old men. The nurse got all flustered and said, ‘Don’t you go anywhere, I’ll run in and get some toilet paper,’ and off she goes. The two looked at each other and one of them said, ‘Are we crazy or is she crazy? By the time she gets back with the toilet paper, that bird will be a half a mile away.’

Old is when… ‘getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot.

Old is when… an ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to pee.

Old is when…going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

Old is when…happy hour is a nap.

Old is when…in a hostage situation you’re likely to be released first.

Old is when…it’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

Old is when…kidnappers are not very interested in you.

Old is when…people call at 9 p.m. and ask, ‘Did I wake you?’

Old is when…people no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

Old is when …there’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

Old is when …things you buy now won’t wear out.

Old is when …when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

Old is when …you can eat dinner at four o’clock.

Old is when …you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Old is when …you’re on holiday and your energy runs out before your money.

Old is when…your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. In your case it came alone.

Age is what the onlooker sees, not what the looked upon feels.

He was so old his toupee went grey.

His forehead’s so wrinkled he can screw on his hat.

I don’t know how I got over the hill without making it to the top.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

The older someone is, the further they walked to school as children.

Things improve with age. I’m approaching magnificent.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.

Hannah and Gavin were having dinner with a couple they’d lost touch with when they moved to another city many years ago. Over the meal, the couples took turns catching up. ‘And soon after we were married,’ Hannah began, ‘we were blessed with a marvellous, chubby creature with cute bow legs and no teeth.’ ‘Oh, you had a baby!’ said the other husband. ‘Nope,’ Gavin broke in, ‘Hannah’s mother came to live with us.’