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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
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by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
133 Music and musicians Jokes
1
‘Go ahead and play the blues if it’ll make you happy.’ Homer Simpson
2
‘I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is.’ Steven Wright
3
‘I’m not playing all the wrong notes. I’m playing all the right notes. But not necessarily in the right order.’ Eric Morecambe
4
A gentleman is a man who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.
5
An interviewer once asked Victor Borge if he played any other instruments. ‘Well, yes,’ he replied. ‘I have another piano…’
6
Arguably he is one of the greatest singers in the country. It’s not an argument that anyone’s ever won of course.
7
Definition of a music lover: Grandad puts his ear to the bathroom keyhole when the au pair starts singing in the shower.
8
Definition of an opera: where a man gets stabbed and starts singing instead of bleeding.
9
Definition of modern music: things that aren’t worth saying put into a song.
10
Did you hear about the woman who couldn’t find a singing partner? She had to buy a duet-yourself kit.
11
How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? Someone is blowing into it.
12
How can you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight? He dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!
13
How can you tell when a drummer’s at the door? He doesn’t know when to come in.
14
How can you tell when a drummer’s at the door? The knocking speeds up.
15
How do you get two viola players to play in unison? You shoot one of them.
16
How does a woman know when she’s dating a French horn player? Whenever he kisses her, he has his hand up her rear.
17
How is a drum solo like a sneeze? You can tell it’s coming, but you can’t do anything about it.
18
How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.
19
How would Oasis change a light bulb? Exactly the same way as the Beatles would.
20
I traded in my wife’s piano for a clarinet. You can’t sing while playing a clarinet.
21
I traded in my wife’s piano for a clarinet. You can’t sing while playing a clarinet.
22
I went to see Pavarotti once, and I’ll tell you this much, he doesn’t like it when you join in.
23
I’d like to perform for you a little number I wrote myself: three and a half.
24
Interviewer: ‘Have you ever conducted Stockhausen?’ Sir Thomas Beecham: ‘No. But I once trod in some.’
25
Johnny says to his mother, ‘Mummy, I want to be a drummer when I grow up!’ ‘Now, Johnny,’ replies Mum. ‘You know you can’t do both.’
26
Man to barman: ‘Hey buddy, how late does the band play?’ Barman: ‘Oh, about a half-beat behind the drummer.’
27
Man to friend: ‘Your wife sings like a pirate.’ Friend: ‘What do you mean?’ Man: ‘She’s murder on the high Cs.’
28
My son is what you might call a spiritualist musician, every time he plays we hear rapping on the walls.
29
The kid next door can’t play the piano – and I wish he’d stop trying.
30
The show I saw last week was so bad the manager was giving people their money back while they were walking in.
31
The thing about music journalism is that writing about music is a bit like dancing about architecture.
32
The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
33
What do a lawsuit and a viola have in common? Everyone is much happier when the case is closed.
34
What do violists and Mike Tyson have in common? They’re both hard on the ears.
35
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.
36
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
37
What do you get when you cross a French horn player with an ant? An ant that can’t march.
38
What happens when you play country music backwards? You sober up, your wife comes back, and your dog un-dies.
39
What’s a bassoon good for? Kindling an accordion fire.
40
What’s the best way to confuse a drummer? Put a sheet of music in front of him.
41
What’s the definition of an optimist? An accordion player with a pager.
42
What’s the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo? When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn’t hit the rim.
43
What’s the difference between a drum machine and a drummer? You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!
44
What’s the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
45
What’s the difference between a pizza and a drummer? A pizza can feed a family of four.
46
What’s the difference between a viola and a cello? A cello burns longer.
47
What’s the difference between an accordion and a trampoline? You’re supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.
48
What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull? The bull has the horns in front and its arse at the back.
49
What’s the last thing a drummer says in a band? ‘Hey, guys. Why don’t we try one of my songs…?’
50
What’s the range of a piccolo? Twenty yards on a good day.
51
When she sings I make my wife stand in the front garden. I don’t want the neighbours to think I’m beating her.
52
Which is better, an electric guitar or a harmonica? The electric guitar. You can’t beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.
53
Why are an accordionist’s fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same spot twice.
54
Why are bad drummers better than drum machines? You don’t have to plug them in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.
55
Why are harps like elderly parents? They’re both unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.
56
Why do they call it rap music? The letter C fell off at the printers.
57
Why do viola players spend a lot of time standing outside houses? They can’t find the key and don’t know when to come in.
58
Why shouldn’t you drive a mini off a cliff with three violas on board? Because if you tried you could probably squeeze another two in the back.
59
You know that song, ‘Broken Alarm Clock Blues’? It’s the one that begins, ‘Woke up this afternoon…’
60
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
61
He really was a very talented young man. Whatever musical instrument you gave him he’d always be able to get some kind of noise out of it. Usually a sort of snapping sound, admittedly.
62
Conductor, to music student, ‘You should have taken up singing earlier.’ Student, ‘Why? Do you think the practice would have made me really good?’ Conductor, ‘No. But you might have given up by now.’
63
A man is in a restaurant where a pianist is playing in a corner. ‘Do you play things on request?’ calls the man to the pianist. ‘Oh yes, sir,’ says the pianist. ‘Great,’ says the man. ‘Play dominoes.’
64
A father is attending his young son’s piano recital at a music competition. He turns to whispers to one of the judges, ‘What do you think of his execution?’ The judge replies, ‘I’m all in favour of it.’
65
I bought my daughter a new piano the other day. The neighbours love to hear her practise, in fact they broke all the windows so they wouldn’t miss a note.
66
‘I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means “put down”.’ Bob Newhart
67
‘I always thought music was more important than sex. Then I thought if I don’t hear a concert for a year and a half it doesn’t bother me.’ Jackie Mason
68
I took a course that said ‘Learn the piano in ten easy lessons’. It’s true, I did learn in ten easy lessons, but the first 120 were really, really hard.
69
A drummer decides to learn how to play a ‘real’ musical instrument. He goes into a music store and says, ‘I’ll take that red trumpet and that accordion.’ The store assistant replies, ‘Okay, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator’s got to stay.'
70
A little boy thanks his grandfather for the harmonica he gave him for Christmas. ‘It’s the bestest present I ever got!’ says the little boy. ‘It’s already earned me £100.’ ‘You must have learned to play it really well,’ says his grandfather. ‘I haven’t learned to play it all,’ replies the boy. ‘Mummy gives me five pounds not to play it during the day and Daddy gives me ten not to play it at night…’
71
A man goes on holiday on a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He goes to his hotel and he hears the drums. He eats lunch and he hears drums. He goes to a beach party and hears drums. He goes to the bar and he hears drums. That night he tries to go to sleep – but all can hear is the drums. This goes on for days until he finally goes to the hotel reception desk to complain. ‘Hey! What’s with the drums?’ says the man. ‘They’re driving me mad! I can’t get any sleep! Stop the damn drums!’ The manager replies, ‘No! Drums must never stop. Very, very bad if drums stop.’ ‘Why?’ asks the man. The manager replies, ‘Because when drums stop… bass solo begins.’
72
A man is listening to a violin recital being given by his neighbour’s son. ‘What do you think?’ asks the neighbour. ‘Your boy reminds me of Cliff Richard,’ replies the man. ‘I didn’t know Cliff Richard could play the violin,’ replies the neighbour. ‘He can’t,’ says the man, ‘and neither can your son.’
73
A morgue assistant examining a newly delivered corpse finds a cork up its bottom. Curious, the assistant pulls out the cork and he hears a song being sung, ‘My Lauri-Lou done left me. Lauri-Lou’s done gone…’ The astonished assistant plugs up the bottom again and calls over the coroner to listen. The assistant pulls out the cork, and once again the corpse’s bottom starts singing, ‘My Lauri-Lou done left me. Lauri-Lou’s done gone…’ ‘Don’t you think that’s incredible?’ says the assistant. ‘Nah,’ says the coroner. ‘Any arsehole can sing country music.’
74
A viola player comes home and finds his house has burnt down. A policeman tells him that the orchestra conductor came to the viola player’s house, slaughtered his family, then burnt everything he possessed. The viola players says, ‘Wow. Y’ mean the conductor actually came to my house…’
75
An accordion player is driving home from a late night gig. Feeling tired, he pulls over for some coffee. While waiting to pay, he remembers that he locked his car doors but left the accordion in plain view on the back seat of his car! He rushes out only to discover that he’s too late – the side window of his car has been smashed and somebody has thrown in two more accordions.
76
In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as ‘strings’. Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as ‘percussionists’. Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn’t even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go and stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.
77
Three trumpet players are in an aeroplane with their orchestra. One of them says, ‘I’ll throw a 100-dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy.’ The second says, ‘I’ll throw out two 50-dollar bills, and make two people very happy.’ The third says, ‘I’ll throw out five 20-dollar bills and make five people happy.’ The conductor says, ‘If I threw out you three I’d make the whole orchestra very happy.’
78
Two men are sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day. The warden says to the first man, ‘Do you have a last request?’ The man replies, ‘Yes. Could you play me the Macarena one last time?’ ‘Certainly,’ replies the warden. He turns to the other man and says, ‘And what’s your final request?’ The second man says, ‘I’d like to go first.’
79
‘Do you love music?’ ‘Yes, but never mind, you may continue playing.’
80
A couple were having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counsellor. After meeting with them, the counsellor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. ‘You two need to talk,’ he said. ‘So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it’s time for the bass player to solo. Then you’ll be talking just like everyone else.’
81
A management consultant gave his report on Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony: ‘All twelve violins played the same notes. This is unnecessary duplication. Their number should be cut. For a considerable period oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread evenly among other staff. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that was already handled by the strings. If such redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut by twenty minutes. The symphony has two movements. Mr Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one. Conclusion: If Mr Schubert had paid attention to these matters, he would have had time to finish the symphony.’
82
An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flies there, and finds a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they begin to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist is disturbed by this. He asks the guide, ‘What are those drums?’ The guide turns to him and says, ‘Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop.’ Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stop. This hits the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yells at the guide: ‘The drums have stopped, what happens now?’ The guide crouches down, covers his head with his hands and says, ‘Bass solo.’
83
Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, ‘Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.’ A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence: ‘Stop doing it then!’
84
Did you hear about the cow that drank a bottle of ink and then mood indigo?
85
Frank Sinatra, ‘Old Blue Eyes’, has died… Frank will now be known as ‘Old Closed Eyes’.
86
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a drummer’s car? Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.
87
How do you make a bandstand? Pull their chairs away!
88
How do you make a drummer leave your front door? Pay him for the pizza.
89
I sing for charity. I have to, nobody will pay me.
90
If you drop an accordion and a set of bagpipes out of a tenth-floor window, which hits the ground first? Who cares?
91
Musician: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
92
My brother practised the violin for 20 years. Unfortunately, it took him 19 years to realize you didn’t blow it.
93
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
94
They all laughed when I walked over to the piano, but they were right. I couldn’t lift it.
95
Three musicians come out from taking an IQ test. ‘Well, my IQ is 220,’ says the first one. ‘That’s amazing. You’re so clever, you must be a synth programmer,’ says the second one. ‘That’s right, I am,’ he replies. ‘I scored 175,’ says the second musician. ‘That’s pretty good,’ says the third guy, ‘you must be a lead guitarist. My IQ was only 15.’ ‘Really?’ says the lead guitarist. ‘What sticks do you use?’
96
Two dogs go into Wigmore Hall and one wants to buy tickets to a concert. The ticket seller says, ‘But you’re dogs! What could you possibly know about classical music?’ The first dog replies, ‘Are you kidding? He Bach and I Offenbach!’
97
Two men are in a bar. ‘I decided to give up the saxophone,’ says one. ‘Really? Was it too hard to master?’ replies his friend. ‘No, I saw my neighbours coming home with a gun.’
98
What did the boy say when it was time for his violin lesson? Oh, fiddle!
99
What did the drummer get on his music exam? Dribble.
100
What do you call a bee in a rock band? The lead stinger.
101
What do you call an ant who can’t play the piano? Discordant!
102
What do you call the girl on a trombone player’s arm? A tattoo.
103
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? A bear-faced lyre!
104
What do you get when you cross a stereo with a fridge? The coolest music in town.
105
What does a guitar player do when he locks his keys in the car? He breaks the window to get the bass player out.
106
What has loads of keys but can’t open doors? A piano.
107
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
108
What was the gangster’s last words? Who put that violin in my violin case!
109
What weighs eight pounds and won’t be plucked next Christmas? John Denver’s guitar.
110
What would a violin player do if he won a million pounds? Keep playing gigs until the money ran out.
111
What’s Beethoven’s favourite fruit? (To the tune of the 5th Symphony) Ba-na-na-NAAH.
112
What’s green, lives in your refrigerator and sings? Elvis Parsley.
113
What’s the best or fastest way to tune a banjo? With wirecutters.
114
What’s the definition of a gentleman? Someone that can play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.
115
What’s the definition of an optimist? A folk musician with a mortgage.
116
What’s the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a piano in a skip without it touching the sides.
117
What’s the difference between a musician and a savings bond? One of them eventually matures and earns money.
118
What’s the difference between God and Bono? God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.
119
Why can’t a gorilla play trumpet? He’s too sensitive.
120
Why can’t Cab Callaway’s wife water the lawn? Because he ‘hide-dee-hide-dee-hose’.
121
Why couldn’t the maestro find the composer? Because he was Haydn.
122
Why did the pianist hit his head on the keyboard? He was playing by ear.
123
Why do people take an instant dislike to banjo players? It saves time in the long run.
124
Why doesn’t the piano work? Because it only knows how to play.
125
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
126
Why is crossing the road like playing the piano? C sharp or B flat.
127
Wolfgang: Did you hear the one about the classical string quartet that could not sell tickets to their concerts? Johannes: No, I didn’t. What happened to them? Wolfgang: They went baroque.
128
Do you sing Faust? Yes, and I can sing slow as well.
129
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
130
Modern music isn’t always as bad as it sounds.
131
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
132
When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.
133
A guy goes into a bar with his pet monkey and says, ‘I bet £50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this monkey can’t play – and play well.’ The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar. The monkey has a look, picks it up, tunes upthe strings and starts playing a complicated classical piece. The music and musicians 351 monkey’s owner pockets the £50. The next guy comes up with a trumpet. The monkey takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a moving jazz solo. The guy hands over another £50 to the monkey’s owner. The barman has been watching all this and disappears out the back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, ‘Now if your monkey can play that, I’ll give you£100.’ The two men both place their bets on the bar. The monkeylooks at the bagpipes, takes them in his arms and begins to play. Thebarman immediately reaches for the £200 but the monkey’s ownerstops him. ‘Hey! What are you doing? He plays the bagpipes verywell!’ ‘Oh yeah?’ responds the barman as he puts the money in hispocket. ‘Prove it!’
134
How does Bob Marley like his dough nuts? With Jammin!
135
What do you call an unemployed goat?
Billy Idol
136
Beyonce Knowles marries Roy castle, what do you get??? Beyonce Castle
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