Get the Joke of the Day
in your inbox:
Get 20% off with rBooks
Hundreds of jokes about marriage and married life - jokes about wives
, husbands, engagements, divorces and even nagging
, but don't be repeating these to your wife or mother!
Want to write the finest best man speech? Take a look at our hilarious marriage and wedding jokes and make sure you get a few laughs on the big day!
‘A man in love is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.’ Zsa Zsa Gabor
‘Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in whenever she felt like it and sink my boats.’ Woody Allen
‘Before we were married, you told me you were well off.’ ‘Yes. Unfortunately I didn’t realise just how well off.’
‘Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended.’ Zsa Zsa Gabor
‘I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.’ Brian Kiley
‘I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced pain and bought jewellery.’ Rita Rudner
‘I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.’ Groucho Marx
‘My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.’ Rodney
‘One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.’ Rodney Dangerfield
‘Why do you and your wife fight all the time?’ ‘I don’t know. She never tells me.’
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband says to his wife, ‘I was a fool when I married you.’ ‘I know,’ she replies. ‘But I was in love and didn’t notice.’
A wife and her husband are arguing. ‘When we got married you said you’d die for me!’ shouts the woman. ‘Well, now’s the time!’
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman puts an ad in the paper saying, ‘Husband wanted’. Next day she gets a hundred letters all saying the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
According to the latest survey, married men’s favourite fantasy when making love is that their wives aren’t fantasising.
After my honeymoon I felt like a new man. Unfortunately, so did my wife.
Any married man should forget his mistakes – it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.
Courtship is like looking at the pictures in a seed catalogue. Marriage is what comes up in your garden.
For sale: Twenty-volume encyclopaedia. Good condition. No longer needed. Wife knows everything.
For twenty years my wife and I were very happy. Then we met.
Going to a party with your wife is like going fishing with a game warden.
Harry went into town and got a bottle of wine for his wife – it was one of the best deals he’d ever made.
He asked for her hand in marriage after an evening in the pub. It was very romantic. He actually climbed up on one knee to propose.
He joined the Foreign Legion to forget his wife, unfortunately the sergeant major looked just like her.
He named the street he built after his wife. It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
He never got married. He said he didn’t want to make the same mistake once.
He was in a position to marry anyone he pleased. Unfortunately he didn’t please anyone.
Husband to wife: ‘I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot.’ Wife: ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.’
Husband to wife: ‘You have a flat chest and hairy legs. Tell me, have you ever been mistaken for a man?’ ‘No,’ replies his wife. ‘Have you?’
I can remember where I got married. I can remember when I got married. I just can’t remember why.
I fell in love with my wife at second sight. The first time I didn’t know she had money.
I got married to Miss Right. I just didn’t realise her first name was ‘Always’.
I joined Bachelors Anonymous. Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
I know of no one who is happily married, except my husband.
I live like a medieval knight. Every night I go to sleep with a battleaxe at my side.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I took two marriage vows. Silence and poverty.
I wouldn’t say she’s been married a lot but the church is trying to get her to pay for a new aisle carpet.
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years. And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
I’ve been very depressed lately. My wife’s threatened to leave me. But even that hasn’t cheered me up.
I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If it weren’t for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers.
If you want to drive your wife crazy don’t talk in your sleep, just smile.
If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: ‘If you were my husband I’d poison your brandy.’ Churchill: ‘If you were my wife I’d drink it.’
Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make love, not war. Or if you want to do both – get married!
Man is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.
Man to friend: ‘My wife’s a peach.’ Friend: ‘Because she’s so soft and juicy?’ Man: ‘No, because she has a heart of stone.’
Marriage certificate – another name for a work permit.
Marriage is a bed of roses – without the flowers.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Marriage is an institution. Therefore: marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is not a lottery – you get a chance in a lottery.
Marriages are made in Heaven – but then again, so are thunder and lightning.
Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.
My husband and I married for better or worse. He couldn’t do better and I couldn’t do worse.
My husband has a split personality – and I hate both of them.
My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another. So far we’ve been up for three weeks.
My wife and I lead a quiet life. The last time we went out together was when the gas boiler exploded.
My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her… Or something like that.
My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.
My wife has given me a reason to live – revenge.
My wife is temperamental. Fifty per cent temper and 50 per cent mental.
My wife keeps telling me I shouldn’t pee in the bath – or if I really have to I should at least wait till she gets out.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Priest to woman: ‘I don’t think you’ll ever find another man like your late husband.’ Woman: ‘Who’s going to look?’
Remember your wife is a romantic who still loves flowers and chocolates. Show her you remember as well by referring to them occasionally.
She has her husband eating out of the palm of her hand – it saves on the washing-up.
Since I got married I haven’t looked at another woman. My wife put me off them.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.
The old couple next door are having a ‘Football Romance’, each is waiting for the other to kick off so they can get some action.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then they marry him.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
They are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
Tom was a model husband. Mind you, he wasn’t a working model.
Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 40 lb.
What’s it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? Marriage.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Why is marriage a three-ring circus? First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
Wife to husband: ‘Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!’ Husband: ‘Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.’
Wife to husband: ‘My mother says I should never have married you. She says you’re effeminate.’ Husband: ‘Compared to her everyone is.’
Wife to husband: ‘One more word and I’m going straight back to mother!’ Husband: ‘Taxi!!’
Wife to husband: ‘When I married you you said you had an ocean-going yacht!’ Husband: ‘Shut up and row.’
Wife to husband: ‘You certainly made a fool of yourself last night. I just hope nobody realised you were sober.’
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person’s got, you wish you’d ordered that.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
A woman applies for a job in a lemon grove. ‘Have you got any experience picking lemons?’ asks the foreman. ‘I certainly have,’ says the woman. ‘I’ve been married four times.’
Marriage is bit like having a meal at a self-service buffet: you get exactly what you want, but when you see what another man’s got on his plate you fancy a bit of that as well.
Girl to fiancé: ‘When we’re married I want to share all your troubles and worries.’ Fiancé: ‘But I don’t have any troubles and worries.’ Girl: ‘I know, but we’re not married yet.’
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that, as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’ The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking? ‘Eighty per cent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.’ Jackie Mason
‘Why don’t you go home to your wife. Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.’ Groucho Marx
Man to friend: ‘When did you first realise your wife had stopped loving you?’ Friend: ‘When she pushed me through the window, and wrote for an ambulance.’
Husband to wife: ‘Put your coat on, I’m going to the pub.’ Wife: ‘Oh that’s nice, are you taking me for a drink?’ Husband: ‘No, I’m turning the heating off.’
A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.
Wife to husband: ‘I need a new dress.’ Husband: ‘What’s wrong with the dress you’ve got?’ Wife: ‘It’s too long and the veil keeps getting in my eyes.’
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’ Her husband replies, ‘Why not? I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
A man is on his deathbed. ‘Grant me one last wish, my dear,’ he gasps pitifully to his wife. ‘Six months after I die I want you to marry Joe.’ ‘But I thought you hated Joe,’ says his wife. ‘I do,’ says the man.
A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car. ‘What’s up?’ says the driver. ‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman. ‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’
I never married because there was no need – I have three pets which serve the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
A couple come across a wishing well. The husband leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny. The wife makes a wish too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns. The husband says, ‘Wow! It really works!’
Little Mary is at her first wedding. When it’s over, she asks her mother, ‘Why did the lady change her mind?’ ‘What do you mean?’ asks mother. ‘Well,’ replies Mary. ‘She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.’
Things have reached crisis point in Beryl’s marriage. ‘If things are so bad,’ her friend advises her. ‘Then you should leave your husband.’ ‘I would,’ says Beryl. ‘If only I could think of a way of doing it that wouldn’t make him happy.’
I came downstairs this morning and my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast. So I said, ‘Eggs, bacon, fried bread and mushrooms.’ At least that’s what I meant to say. What I actually said was, ‘You’ve ruined my life, you fat ugly witch.’
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the Lottery!’ Martha shouts back, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’ The man replies, ‘I don’t care, just as long as you’re out of the house by noon!’
A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice shouting, ‘Stop! Take one more step and you’ll be killed!’ The man stops and a brick crashes on to the path in front of him. The man looks around but can’t see who shouted the warning. A few moments later the man is crossing a road when the same voice yells, ‘Stop! Don’t step off the kerb!’ A car jumps a red light and zooms past just missing the man. Again he looks round but can’t see who shouted. An hour later the man is getting on a ferry when the voice yells, ‘Don’t do it! You’ll drown!’ The man steps off the ferry then watches it sink midstream a few minutes later. The man looks round but still can’t see who shouted. He calls out, ‘Who’s there?’ ‘It’s me. Your guardian angel,’ replies the voice, ‘I watch over everything you do.’ ‘You rotten bastard!’ shouts the man. ‘What d’you mean?’ replies the voice. ‘I just saved your life three times.’ ‘Yes,’ replies the man, ‘but where were you on my wedding day?’
The CIA advertises for an assassin and three applicants, Tom, Dick and Harry, are chosen for a final test. Tom is given a gun and shown a door. ‘Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!’ says the CIA agent. Tom replies, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’ ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job,’ says the agent. Dick is given the same instructions. He takes the gun and goes into the room. After a few minutes he emerges in tears and says, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent says, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’ Finally, it’s Harry’s turn. He’s given the same instructions, takes the gun and goes into the room. Several shots are heard, then lots of screaming, crashing and banging. Eventually Harry emerges wiping sweat from his brow. ‘That damn gun you gave me was loaded with blanks. I had to beat her to death with the chair.’
A husband and wife are driving along when they see an injured skunk lying by the roadside. They decide to take it to a vet but don’t have anything to carry it in. ‘Why not wrap it in your skirt?’ suggests the husband. ‘What about the stink?’ protests his wife. Her husband replies, ‘It’ll just have to get used to it.’
A husband and wife visit a marriage guidance counsellor. The wife complains that her husband doesn’t pay her enough attention, so the counsellor decides on some shock treatment. He leans over the desk and gives the woman a long passionate kiss. He then turns to the husband and says, ‘Your wife needs that kind of attention at least twice a week.’ ‘Okay,’ replies the husband. ‘But I can only get her here Tuesdays and Thursdays.’
A little boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play. ‘That’s wonderful,’ says his mother. ‘Who are you playing?’ The boy says, ‘I’m playing the husband!’ The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.’
A little girl runs into her parents’ room and demands that her mother tells her a story. ‘It’s three in the morning, dear,’ says her mother. ‘Can’t you just go back to bed?’ The girl replies, ‘I tried, Mummy, but I can’t sleep. Please tell me a story.’ Mother sighs and says, ‘Tell you what, you jump in bed with me, and when your daddy finally gets home, we’ll both get to hear a story!’
A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket. ‘I’ve lost my wife somewhere,’ he says. ‘Do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?’ ‘Okay,’ replies the woman. ‘But how’s that going to help you find your wife?’ ‘Easy,’ replies the man. ‘She always turns up when I start chatting to strange women.’
A man boards a plane. Sitting next to him is an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he’s ever seen. He asks her about it. ‘This is the Klopman diamond,’ she says. ‘It’s beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.’ ‘What’s the curse?’ asks the man. The woman replies, ‘Mister Klopman.’
A man comes home and finds his wife packing her bags. ‘Where are you going?’ he asks. ‘To Las Vegas!’ she replies. ‘Why should I have sex with you for free when there are men out there who’ll pay £400 for a good time!’ The man picks up a suitcase and starts packing too. ‘What d’you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife. ‘I’m going to Las Vegas with you,’ replies the man. ‘I want to see how you’ll live on £800 a year!’
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, collapses on the couch in front of the TV, and says to his wife, ‘Get me a beer before it starts.’ His wife gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later he says, ‘Get me another beer before it starts.’ She looks cross, but fetches another beer. A few minutes later he says, ‘Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.’ His wife is furious. She yells, ‘Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore …’ The man sighs and says, ‘It’s started…’
A man enters a bar and orders a double martini. After he has finished the drink, he looks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another double martini. After he has finished it, he looks inside his shirt pocket again and orders yet another double martini. The bartender says, ‘Why do you look inside your shirt pocket every time you order a refill?’ The man replies, ‘I’m looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts looking good, I know it’s time to go home.’
A man has a check-up and the doctor finds something seriously wrong. He decides the news is too bad to tell the man directly so he breaks it to his wife. ‘Your husband is seriously ill,’ says the doctor. ‘The only way you can save his life is to offer him a completely stress-free existence. You must not contradict him in any way. He must give up his job so he can concentrate on restful hobbies. He must have three home-cooked meals every day, and live in an environment that is as tranquil, tidy and germ free as possible.’ In the car home the husband says, ‘So what’s going to happen to me?’ The wife answers, ‘You’re going to die.’
A prospector in the Wild West is crossing the mountains in a horse and wagon. With him is his daughter and $10,000 in cash. Suddenly the pair are stopped by a bandit who searches the wagon then rides off with it. ‘Dang it!’ says the prospector. ‘There goes my $10,000!’ ‘No, Pa,’ says his daughter. ‘Look. I managed to hide the money in my mouth.’ ‘Jeepers!’ says the prospector. ‘If only your Ma was here we could have saved the horse and wagon too!’
A tramp approaches a man in the street and asks for money. ‘Will you spend the money on drink?’ asks the man. The tramp shakes his head. ‘Will you waste it on card games?’ asks the man. The tramp shakes his head. ‘Then come home with me,’ says the man. ‘Why?’ asks the tramp. The man replies, ‘I want my wife to meet the kind of man who doesn’t drink or gamble.’
A widower goes to a psychic to see if he can contact his late wife. The séance starts and he finds himself talking to her. ‘Honey,’ he says. ‘Are you happy?’ ‘Yes, my husband,’ replies his wife. ‘Happier than you were with me?’ asks the husband. ‘Much, much happier,’ replies his wife. ‘Heaven must be an amazing place,’ says the husband. ‘I’m not in Heaven,’ replies his wife.
A wife tries to explain the purchase of a set of expensive underwear to her husband. ‘After all, dear,’ she says. ‘You wouldn’t expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?’ ‘No,’ replies her husband. ‘And I wouldn’t expect to find a gift-wrapping on a dead beaver.’
A woman finds her husband sobbing in the kitchen. ‘What’s the matter?’ she asks. ‘You remember when your father found out you were pregnant and threatened me with 20 years in jail if I didn’t marry you,’ says the husband. ‘Yes,’ says the woman. ‘Well, today was my release date.’
A woman goes to the doctor for a check-up. When she gets home her husband asks, ‘So how did the appointment go?’ She replies, ‘He said, I have the body of a 20-year-old.’ Her husband says, ‘Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your 40-year-old ass?’ The woman replies, ‘Your name didn’t come up.’
A woman is sick of her husband’s drinking and decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and when her husband returns after another bender, she jumps out on him from behind the door. ‘You don’t scare me,’ slurs the man. ‘I married your sister.'
A woman is talking with her new neighbour, ‘I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you and your husband don’t seem to have an awful lot in common. Why on earth did you get married?’ ‘It was the old business of “opposites attract”,’ replies the neighbour. ‘He wasn’t pregnant and I was.’
A woman’s house has been ransacked but she doesn’t report the crime till next day. When a police officer calls round he asks her why she delayed reporting the robbery. ‘I didn’t know I had been robbed,’ replies the woman. ‘When I came in I thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt.’
After a whirlwind romance, a woman and an older millionaire decide to get married. The woman is worried that they don’t know enough about each other, but the millionaire believes it will be more fun to discover each other in wedlock. On their honeymoon the millionaire leaps from the diving board of their hotel pool and executes a perfect dive. ‘I used to be a diving champion when I was younger,’ he tells his wife. ‘Y’ see, I told you it would be fun getting to know each other this way.’ The woman agrees, then gets in the pool and does 50 lengths in a row. ‘Wow,’ says her husband. ‘I’ll bet you used to be some sort of Olympic endurance swimmer.’ ‘No,’ replies his wife. ‘I was a whore in Venice who used to work both sides of the canal.’
An old man and his wife are having their first argument after many years of marriage. He says, ‘When we got married, you promised to love, honour and obey!’ ‘I know,’ replies his wife. ‘But I didn’t want to start an argument in front of all those people.’
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispers to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?’ Mother decides to keep things simple and replies, ‘Because white is a happy colour and today is the happiest day of her life.’ The girl thinks for a second, then says, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’
Harry invites his friend Dick for dinner. At the dinner table Harry talks to his wife using endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. When Harry’s wife is out of the room Dick says, ‘That’s really nice. After all these years of marriage, you still call your wife pet names.’ Harry whispers back, ‘It sounds good but to tell the truth, I forgot her real name three years ago.’
Harry is strolling through a cemetery when he comes across a man weeping over a grave. ‘Why did you have to go?’ sobs the man. ‘Why? Why?’ Harry stops to offer some words of comfort. ‘I’m so sorry for your loss,’ he says. ‘Is that your wife’s grave?’ ‘No,’ sniffles the man. ‘It belongs to her first husband.’
On the way home from a party, a wife says to her husband, ‘Have I ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?’ The husband is very flattered, ‘Why no, I don’t think you have.’ His wife replies, ‘Then what in hell’s name gave you that idea at the party?’
Three women are talking about their love lives. The first says, ‘My husband is like a Rolls Royce, smooth and sophisticated.’ The second says, ‘Mine is like a Porsche, fast and incredibly powerful.’ ‘Mine’s like an old Chevy,’ says the third. ‘It needs a hand start. Then you have to jump on quick once you’ve got it going.’
Tom and Harry are each having a shave at the barber’s. Tom’s barber starts slapping after-shave on his face. ‘Don’t do that,’ protests Tom. ‘My wife will think I smell like a brothel.’ Harry looks up at his barber and says, ‘You can put as much on me as you want – my wife doesn’t know what a brothel smells like.’
Two married men are talking over the telephone. One says, ‘Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.’ ‘Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,’ remarks his friend. ‘I’m not bitter,’ replies the first. ‘It’s just now that I’m so improved, I’ve realised she isn’t good enough for me.’
Two strangers, a man and a woman, find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. They both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the bottom. In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, ‘I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?’ ‘I have a better idea,’ replies the woman with a glint in her eye. ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.’ ‘Sounds good to me,’ says the man. ‘Great,’ replies the woman. ‘Now go and get your own damn blanket!’
Two women meet on the street. One asks the other about her husband. ‘Well, liquor doesn’t agree with him and he doesn’t know how to play poker,’ says the first. ‘That’s wonderful,’ says her friend. ‘It would be,’ says the first woman. ‘If he didn’t drink and play poker.’
‘Eighty per cent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.’ Jackie Mason
‘Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.’ Rodney Dangerfield
‘Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.’ Rita Rudner
After twenty years of marriage they are still in love. She loves the gardener, and he loves the lady next door.
Always talk to your wife when you’re making love – assuming there’s a phone handy.
Contrary to popular belief, Harry’s mother and father were married. Not to each other. But they were married.
Guns don’t kill people – husbands who come home early kill people.
I got home and found a man in bed with my wife. I said, ‘Who said you could sleep with my wife?’ He said, ‘Everybody.’
I had two women in my bed the other day. I got home from work and discovered my wife is having a lesbian affair.
I have the most wonderful wife in the whole world, I just hope her husband never finds out.
In all my years of marriage I’ve never stopped being romantic, but if my wife finds out she’ll kill me.
Married men have two ages. When they want to remain faithful but don’t, and when they want to be unfaithful but can’t.
My wife and I achieved simultaneous orgasm last night. Unfortunately, she was in bed with her lover and I was watching from inside a cupboard.
Some husbands come in handy round the house. Others come in unexpectedly.
Wife to husband: ‘Y’ know I can still get into the same skirts I wore before we got married.’ Husband: ‘I wish I could.’
Man to friend: ‘I had it all – money, a huge house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then pow! It was all gone!’ Friend: ‘What happened?’ Man: ‘My wife found out.’
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with the milkman. ‘What are you doing?’ shouts the man. The woman turns to the milkman and says, ‘There. I told you he doesn’t know the first thing about sex.’
‘People have different opinions on things. For example, to me my girlfriend is the most wonderful beautiful person in the world. But to my wife…’ Jackie Mason
An artist and his model are kissing on the sofa when they hear the front door open. ‘Oh my God! It’s the wife,’ shouts the artist. ‘Quick! Get your clothes off!’
Lawyer to woman: ‘Your husband says you deceived him.’ Woman: ‘On the contrary, he deceived me. He said he’d be out all night but came home suddenly at eight-thirty.’
I don’t mind this role reversal business at all. I’m happy to stay at home while my wife goes out to work. I’m happy to do the dishes and the rest of the housework – and besides our milkman is fantastic in bed.
Tom comes home to his wife looking very concerned. ‘I’ve just been told our milkman has made love to every woman in this street apart from one.’ ‘Really,’ says his wife. ‘I bet it’s that snooty cow at number 27.’
Man to friend: ‘Last month I met the most beautiful girl in the world. I wanted to marry her, but her family objected.’ Friend: ‘Didn’t her parents like you?’ Man: ‘They liked me, but her husband and children didn’t.’
A man comes home and finds his best friend in bed with his wife. ‘You bastard,’ he says. ‘I’ve known you since school. You were my best man and my son’s godfather. I lent you money…Stop doing that when I’m talking to you!’
‘There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.’ Steve Martin
Harry goes to confession and tells the priest he’s been having affairs with four different women from the neighbouring villages. ‘How could you do such a thing?’ asks the priest. ‘It’s easy,’ says Harry. ‘I’ve got a moped.’
A man comes home and finds his wife having sex with a midget from the local circus. ‘I don’t believe it!’ he cries. ‘First it was the strongman, then the lion-tamer, and now a midget!’ His wife replies, ‘Well, at least I’m cutting back.’
A man gets arrested for making love to a dolphin. His wife is furious and embarrassed. ‘How could you?’ she says. ‘Caught making love to a dolphin. That’s it! I’m leaving you.’ ‘Doesn’t bother me,’ he says. ‘There’s plenty more fish in the sea.’
A man goes into a magic shop and sees a pair of ‘nudie’ glasses for sale. ‘What do they do?’ asks the man. ‘They let you see everyone in the nude,’ says the storekeeper. ‘Why not try them on?’ So the man tries on the glasses and straight away everyone he looks at is in the nude. The storekeeper is nude, his assistant is nude, even a passer-by looking in the window is nude. The man buys the glasses and goes out into the street to look at everyone in the nude. After an hour of fun he decides to sneak home and surprise his wife with his new toy. He gets back, creeps in the living room, and finds his wife and his neighbour nude on the couch. ‘Surprise!’ he shouts, coming into the room. ‘What do you think of my new glasses?’ He takes them off and is surprised to see that his wife and neighbour are still naked. ‘Damn!’ he says. ‘I’ve only had them an hour and they’re broken already!’
A man is in the back of his car having sex with a woman he picked up in a bar. The woman is insatiable and keeps demanding more. Finally the man has to have a break and steps out to smoke a cigarette. Once out of the car he notices a man nearby struggling to change the tyre on his pickup truck. The first man goes over and says, ‘Look, I’ve got a really hot date in that car and I can’t keep up with her. If I change your tyre will you go in there are have sex with her? I really need a rest. It’s pitch black in there so she won’t know the difference.’ The second man agrees and jumps in the back of the car which soon starts to rock rhythmically. A passing policeman spots this and shines a torch in the back of the car. ‘What’s going on in there?’ he says. The man replies, ‘I’m having sex with my wife.’ ‘Why can’t you do that at home?’ asks the policeman. The man replies, ‘Because I didn’t realise it was my wife till you shone that torch in her face.’
Bob calls home one afternoon to see what his wife is making for dinner. ‘Hello?’ says a little girl’s voice. ‘Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,’ says Bob. ‘Is Mummy near the phone?’ ‘No, Daddy,’ says the girl. ‘She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.’ Bob says, ‘But you don’t have an Uncle Frank.’ ‘Yes, I do,’ says the girl. ‘He’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!’ ‘Okay, then,’ says Bob. ‘Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy’s car has just pulled up outside the house.’ A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ‘I did what you said, Daddy. When they heard me Mummy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell out of the window and now she’s all dead.’ ‘Oh my God!’ says Bob. ‘And what about Uncle Frank?’ ‘He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool,’ says the girl. ‘But he must have forgotten that you took out all the water last week, so now he’s dead as well.’ There’s a long pause, then Bob says, ‘Swimming pool? Is this 555 7039?’
Harry’s wife decides to take him to a lap-dancing club as a surprise birthday present. Harry protests but his wife drags him along anyway. At the entrance the manager greets him saying, ‘Hello, Harry. How you doing?’ ‘How does he know your name?’ asks Harry’s wife. ‘Er, I knew him from school,’ explains Harry. Inside the club the cloakroom girl says, ‘Good evening, Harry. How are you tonight?’ Harry hurriedly explains that she’s a friend of a workmate. When they sit down the waitress comes up and says, ‘Great to see you, Harry. Would you like your usual?’ Harry tells his wife that she’s a member of his tennis club. Finally a pole dancer walks past and says, ‘Hi, Harry! Stay there and I’ll come by and do you a special.’ This is too much for Harry’s wife who drags him outside and starts screaming at him. The doorman hails them a taxi. ‘Oh boy, Harry,’ he says. ‘You sure picked an ugly one tonight.’
A couple are celebrating their golden wedding anniversary when the husband asks his wife if she’s ever been unfaithful. ‘Three times,’ answers the wife. ‘Remember when you needed money to start up your business and no one would give you any? Well I slept with the bank manager to secure you a loan.’ ‘You made that sacrifice for me?’ asks the astonished husband. ‘That was wonderful of you. What was the second time?’ ‘Remember that operation you needed that no one would perform because it was too dangerous? Well, I slept with the surgeon so he’d do it.’ ‘Oh my God,’ says the husband. ‘You saved my life. And what was the third time?’ ‘Well,’ says his wife. ‘Remember when you wanted to be president of the golf club and you were fifty-two votes short…?’
A couple are sitting in a restaurant when the man suddenly slips under the table. His female companion doesn’t seem to notice so the waiter says, ‘Madam. Is your husband all right? He’s slipped on the floor.’ The woman replies, ‘He’s not my husband. husband just walked through the door.’
A farmer comes home from the fields early and sees a light on in his bedroom. Suspecting foul play, he grabs his shotgun and creeps up the stairs. He bursts into the bedroom and finds one of his farmhands naked, in bed with his wife. The farmhand stands up and shouts, ‘Don’t shoot! For God’s sakes give me a chance!’ The farmer aims his gun and says, ‘Okay, I’ll give you a chance – now swing ’em!’
A farmer’s son accompanies his father on a trip to buy a cow. The farmer prods the cow all over, strokes its sides, looks in every nook and cranny, and even lifts its tail so he can peer up its rear end. ‘Y’ see,’ explains the farmer. ‘You have to give it a real going over before you know if it’s worth paying money for.’ Next day the boy runs up to his father and says, ‘Dad! I just saw Mummy and the postman behind the barn. I think he’s planning on buying her!’
A husband and wife are trying to save for their holidays. The husband suggests that he puts a £20 note in a jar every time they have sex. Three months later the man counts the money and finds over £700. ‘How did that happen?’ asks the husband. ‘We only had sex six times.’ His wife replies, ‘Yes, but not everyone’s as stingy as you are.’
A husband comes home early and finds his wife, Mary, lying naked on the bed dying of a heart attack. He picks up the phone to ring the doctor when his young son shouts out, ‘Dad! There’s a nude man in the wardrobe!’ The husband opens the wardrobe door and finds his best friend naked inside. ‘I don’t believe it!’ shouts the man. ‘Mary’s dying on the bed and you’re playing games with the kids?’
A husband comes home to find his wife in bed with another man. He drags the man into the garage and puts his privates in a vice. He secures the vice tightly, removes the handle, and picks up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screams, ‘Stop! For God’s sake don’t cut it off!’ The husband hands the man the hacksaw and says ‘I’m not going to cut it off. I’m going to set fire to the garage.’
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he sets a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return. He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl – which is now full of butter.
A knight goes off on the crusades, but defends his wife’s honour by equipping her with a chastity belt embedded with razor blades. A year later he returns and orders all his retainers to drop their trousers. They do so and the knight sees that all but one man have shredded privates. He stands before the unshredded man and says, ‘For your loyalty I shall give you my best horse and one hundred acres of land.’ The man replies, ‘Oh, hank u ery uch.’
A little boy goes to his mother and says, ‘Mummy, every night I hear you and Daddy making noises and when I look in your room you’re bouncing up and down on him.’ His mother thinks quickly and says, ‘Oh, well, I’m bouncing on Daddy’s tummy because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.’ The boy says, ‘Well, that won’t work.’ ‘Why not?’ asks his mother. The boy replies, ‘Because the lady next door comes by every afternoon and blows him back up again!’
A little girl goes up to her father and says, ‘Daddy when my cat died, why did it lie on its back with its legs in the air?’ Daddy replies, ‘Well, its legs were up like that to make it easier for Jesus to grab hold of him and pull him up to Heaven.’ ‘Oh my gosh,’ says the girl. ‘That means Mummy almost died this morning!’ ‘What d’you mean?’ asks Dad. ‘Well,’ replies the girl. ‘When I looked into Mummy’s room she was lying on the bed with her legs in the air shouting, “Jesus! Jesus! I’m coming!” and if it hadn’t have been for the postman holding her down, he would have got her!’
A Mafia don is on his death bed and calls his eldest son to him. ‘My boy,’ he says. ‘I want you to have this family heirloom.’ So saying he pulls out a gun and hands it to his boy. ‘Gee, Pop,’ replies the son. ‘Y’ know I don’t like guns. If you want to leave me something, why not give me your watch?’ ‘I see,’ says the indignant don. ‘You don’t want my gun, huh. So tell me, when you get home and find your wife in bed with the mailman, wadya going to do? Shoot him? Or point at your watch and say, “Hey, buddy, time’s up?”’
A man finds a young woman crying on a park bench and asks her what’s the matter. ‘My husband’s been caught having sex with one of his patients. He’s cheated on me and now it looks like he’ll be struck off.’ ‘That’s terrible,’ says the man. ‘But look on the bright side – news like that can’t get any worse.’ ‘Yes it can,’ sobs the woman. ‘He’s a vet.’
A man is sitting reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ says the man. ‘I found a piece of paper in your pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it!’, says his wife. ‘You’re having an affair!’ ‘Of course I’m not,’ says the man. ‘Mary Lou is the name of a horse I bet on last week.’ The wife apologises, and calm is restored. Next day the man’s wife sneaks up on him again, and again swats him with a frying pan. ‘What’s the matter this time?’ says the man. His wife replies, ‘Your horse phoned!!’
A man is trying to console a friend who’s just found his wife in bed with another man. ‘Get over it, buddy,’ he says. ‘It’s not the end of the world.’ Yeah? It’s easy for you to say,’ answers his friend. ‘But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?’ The man ponders for a moment, then says, ‘I’d break his white stick and kick his guide dog up the arse.’
A man takes his little daughter to work for the day. When they get back the little girl says, ‘I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?’ Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains, ‘Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn’t believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient.’ ‘Oh,’ says the little girl. ‘I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you laid her on the couch.’
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. ‘Certainly, sir,’ replies the barman. ‘That’ll be one penny.’ ‘One penny for a beer!’ exclaims the man. ‘That’s incredible! How much is the food in this place?’ ‘I’d recommend the steak dinner,’ says the barman. ‘You get a 16-ounce steak, potatoes, salad and a dessert for three pennies.’ ‘That’s amazing,’ says the man. ‘How do manage to make a profit with such low prices?’ ‘You’d have to ask the owner,’ replies the barman. ‘But he’s not here right now, he’s upstairs with my wife.’ ‘What’s he doing up there?’ asks the man. ‘The same as I’m doing to his business,’ replies the barman.
A man wants to find out if both his wife and his mistress are faithful to him, so he sends them on the same cruise. When they’re back he casually asks his wife about the behaviour of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. ‘She was terrible,’ replies his wife. ‘She slept with every man on the ship.’ The disappointed man then asks his mistress about the passenger he knew was really his wife. ‘She was a real lady,’ says the mistress. ‘She came on board with her husband and never once left his side.’
A marine is stationed on a remote Pacific island. He writes to his wife asking for something to while away the hours and keep his mind off all the beautiful native women. His wife sends him a harmonica and suggests he learn to play it. A year later the marine comes home to his wife and says, ‘Baby, I’m so love-starved! Let’s go to bed right now!’ ‘Sure,’ she says. ‘But first, play me something on the harmonica.’
A pair of newly-weds are arguing on their honeymoon. The couple promised to be open and honest with each other but the husband still won’t tell his wife how many sex partners he’s had. ‘Look,’ he says. ‘If I tell you, you’ll just get angry.’ ‘No, I won’t, she replies. ‘Cross my heart and hope to die.’ ‘Okay, then,’ says the man. ‘Let me think. There was one, two, three, four, five, you, seven, eight…’
A police officer gets off work four hours early and gets home at two in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife he undresses in the dark, creeps into the bedroom and starts to climb into bed. As he does so his wife says, ‘Dear, would you go down to the all-night drugstore and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.’ ‘Certainly, honey,’ says the policeman and, feeling his way across the dark room, he gets dressed and walks over to the drugstore. When he arrives the pharmacist looks at him in surprise, ‘Don’t I know you?’ he says. ‘I thought you were a policeman?’ ‘I am a policeman. What about it?’ says the officer. ‘Just curious,’ replies the pharmacist. ‘I just wondered what the heck you’re doing dressed like a fire chief?’
A private detective is reporting to his female client. ‘Yesterday I followed your husband to two bars on Elm Street, three on Maple, and finally to the Humpmore Motel,’ he says. ‘I see,’ says the woman. ‘And d’you think that’s enough grounds for divorce?’ ‘I’m not sure,’ says the detective. ‘After all he was following you at the time.’
A psychiatrist is talking to a female patient about her sex life. ‘When you make love do you ever look your husband in the face.’ ‘I only did it once,’ replies the woman. ‘But he looked very angry.’ ‘And why do you think that was?’ asks the psychiatrist. The woman replies, ‘Because he was looking in through the window at the time.’
A wife is in bed with her lover when they hear hubby coming up the stairs. There’s no time to get dressed. The man runs to hide in the en-suite bathroom while the wife pushes his clothes under the bed. The husband bursts through the bedroom door. ‘What are you doing lying naked on the bed?’ he asks. ‘Darling, I heard you coming and got ready to receive you,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ says her husband. ‘I’ll just nip into the bathroom to clean up.’ The husband goes into the bathroom and finds a man clapping his hands together in mid-air. ‘Who the devil are you?’ he asks. ‘I’m from the exterminator company,’ replies the man. ‘Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths.’ The husband yells, ‘But you’ve got no clothes on!’ The man looks down at his body, jumps backwards in surprise and shouts, ‘The little bastards!’
A woman goes to hospital to have a baby and is shown a new machine that can transfer all the pain of childbirth to the father. The woman’s husband agrees to give it a go and the machine is hooked up. The labour is long and difficult but the husband feels no pain at all. The doctors are mystified as to why no one is suffering but everything seems okay so they send the couple and their baby home. Next day the husband rings the hospital and says, ‘I think I know why I wasn’t feeling anything. When we got home we found the milkman dead on our doorstep.’
A woman is in bed with her husband’s best friend. The phone rings, and the friend hears her say, ‘Uh-huh, sure, wonderful. Okay. Uh-huh. Yep. That’s fine. Okay, bye.’ She turns to her lover and says, ‘That was John. Don’t worry, he won’t be home for hours – he’s out playing cards with you.’
A woman is in bed with her lover when she hears her husband come in the front door. There’s no time for the lover to escape so the wife makes him stand in the corner and covers him with talcum powder. ‘Just stay still and pretend you’re a statue,’ she tells him. The husband comes in and his wife says, ‘Hello dear. I was just admiring our new statue. You remember the Smiths bought one for their bedroom? Well, I thought we could have one for ours.’ The husband admires the statue then the couple go downstairs for dinner. An hour later the husband returns with a glass of milk and a sandwich. He puts them on a table and says, ‘There you go. When I was playing statues at the Smiths I stood there for three days without so much as a drink of water.’
After 20 years of marriage a woman discovers that her husband is impotent. In fact, all their married life he’d been pleasuring her with a strap-on dildo. ‘That’s awful,’ says the wife. ‘How could you deceive me like that?’ ‘I’m sorry about the dildo,’ replies her husband. ‘But I’m kind of interested in hearing you explain our three children.’
An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walks into his local bar and orders a drink. The man looks worried and the bartender asks him if anything is wrong. ‘Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he’d kill me if I didn’t stop screwing his wife.’ ‘So why don’t you just stop?’ says the bartender. ‘I can’t,’ says the man. ‘He didn’t sign his name!’
An old couple are sitting on their sofa when the woman suddenly punches her husband, knocking him off his seat. ‘What did you do that for?’ asks the old man. His wife replies, ‘I hit you because your pee-pee is too small!’ The old man sits down, then punches his wife, knocking her to the floor. ‘Why did you do that?’ asks the old woman. The old man replies, ‘For knowing the difference after 60 years of marriage!’
Arriving home unexpectedly, a tired executive is shocked to discover his wife in bed with his neighbour. ‘Since you’re in bed making love to my wife!’ shouts the furious man. ‘I’m going next door to sleep with yours!’ ‘Go ahead,’ replies the neighbour. ‘The rest will do you good.’
Dick and Harry die and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them that they will each get a car depending on how faithful they were in life. Harry’s record is very good, he was married for 24 years and was completely faithful so he gets a Rolls-Royce. Dick, on the other hand, had five affairs during his marriage and only gets a third-hand Ford Fiesta. A week later Dick is driving through Heaven when he passes Harry crying by the roadside. ‘What’s the matter?’ asks Dick. ‘I thought you’d be really enjoying that Rolls- Royce.’ ‘I was,’ sobs Harry. ‘But then I saw my wife on a skateboard.’
Harry goes up to Dick and says, ‘Hey, d’you like women with big sagging boobs and hairy nipples?’ ‘No,’ replies Dick. ‘And do you like women with spotty backsides and stretch-marked stomachs?’ continues Harry. ‘No,’ replies Dick. ‘And do you like women with bad breath and yeast infections?’ ‘Certainly not,’ replies Dick. ‘Good,’ says Harry. ‘Then you won’t mind staying the hell away from my wife.’
Harry walks into the pub. ‘Hi, Harry,’ say his mates. ‘You put on a great show with your missus last night. You left the light on in your bedroom and we could see everything going on projected on the curtains.’ ‘Sorry, lads,’ says Harry. ‘The joke’s on you, I wasn’t home last night.’
Johnny praying, ‘God bless Mummy. Good-bye Daddy.’ Father nearly has a heart attack and spends all next day in fear of his life. However, he manages to survive and returns home after work. ‘I had a really bad day today,’ he says to his wife. ‘Don’t tell me about bad days,’ replies his wife. ‘This morning the postman dropped dead on the porch!’
Little Johnny runs into class late. ‘I’m sorry, miss,’ he says, ‘I’m late because I had to make my own breakfast this morning.’ Teacher accepts this excuse but as a punishment makes him stand at the front of the class and answer some geography questions. ‘Now, Johnny,’ says the teacher, ‘Tell me where the Scottish border is.’ ‘In bed with Mum,’ replies Johnny. ‘That’s why I had to make my own breakfast.’
On the day of their wedding, a groom makes his bride promise never to look in the top drawer of his desk. She agrees and 25 years pass before curiosity overcomes her and she has a peek inside. In the desk she’s surprised to find three golf balls and a huge pile of cash. Later that day she confronts her husband and demands to know what is going on. ‘I’ll confess,’ says the husband. ‘Every time I’ve had an affair I’ve put a golf ball in the desk.’ ‘You’ve had three affairs?’ says the wife. ‘Well, I’m not happy but after 25 years I suppose I can live with it. Now tell me, where did all that money came from?’ ‘Well,’ says the husband. ‘Every time I collected a dozen balls, I sold them.’
One day Tom notices that his co-worker, Bob, has started wearing an earring. ‘Hey, Bob,’ says Tom. ‘I didn’t know you were into earrings.’ ‘Yeah, sure,’ says Bob. ‘So how long have you been wearing one?’ asks Tom. Bob replies, ‘Ever since my wife found it in our bed.’
One night, Little Johnny’s father overhears his son saying his prayers. ‘God bless Mummy, Daddy and Granny. Good-bye Grampa.’ The next day Grandfather dies. A month or so later, his father again overhears Little Johnny at prayer. ‘God bless Mummy and Daddy. Good-bye Granny.’ The next day Grandmother dies. Father begins to worry. Two weeks later, he again hears Little Johnny praying, ‘God bless Mummy. Good-bye Daddy.’ Father nearly has a heart attack and spends all next day in fear of his life. However, he manages to survive and returns home after work. ‘I had a really bad day today,’ he says to his wife. ‘Don’t tell me about bad days,’ replies his wife. ‘This morning the postman dropped dead on the porch!’
Three men are talking in a pub. ‘I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician,’ says one. ‘I found a pair of pliers under our bed and they certainly aren’t mine.’ ‘I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber,’ says the second. ‘I found a blow-lamp under our bed and it sure isn’t mine.’ ‘I think my wife is having an affair with a horse,’ says the third. ‘When I got home yesterday there were two jockeys in the wardrobe.’
Tom and Dick are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind a pair of female players. Eventually Tom gets tired of waiting and walks over to ask if they can play through. However, he soon scuttles back. ‘When I got closer I realised it was my wife and mistress,’ says Tom. ‘You go and ask them instead.’ Dick walks over to the women, but he too soon hurries back. ‘Small world,’ he says.
Two men are sitting at a bar. One says to the other, ‘I heard about this great place. You get all your drinks paid for and at the end of the evening you get laid for free.’ ‘That sounds fantastic,’ says his friend. ‘Have you ever been?’ ‘No,’ says the first. ‘But my wife goes there all the time.’
Two women go for a girls’ night on the town and get plastered. Staggering home, they become desperate for a wee and duck into a cemetery to relieve themselves. When they’ve finished, the first woman uses her knickers to wipe herself then throws them away. The other woman is wearing expensive knickers so wipes herself with a card from a nearby wreath. The following morning the two husbands are comparing notes over the phone. One says, ‘I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives. My wife came home without any knickers on.’ The other replies, ‘Tell me about it. My wife came home with a card stuck to her fanny that read, “We will never forget you”.’
‘As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce – and so will my wife.’ Groucho Marx
‘Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.’ Robin Williams
‘Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.’ Lewis Grizzard
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic – so she gets a divorce.
Dick had been trying to lose annoying weight for some time, unfortunately he couldn’t afford to get divorced.
Did you hear about the new ‘divorced’ Barbie doll? It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
I knew a couple who broke up before their wedding photographs were developed. And they were taken with a Polaroid.
Keep your marriage licence in a very safe place. It’s one of the most important documents you’ll ever have. You can’t get a divorce without it.
My friend is engaged in a major custody battle. His wife doesn’t want him and his mother won’t take him back.
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common? They are four ways you can lose your house!
Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He’s a lawyer.
Woman, to lawyer, ‘I want to divorce my husband. He has a lousy memory!’ Lawyer, ‘Why would you want to divorce him for that?’ Woman, ‘Every time he sees a young woman, he keeps forgetting he’s married!’
Why would you ever want to remarry an ex-husband? It’s like finding some sour milk, putting it in the trash for a couple of days, and then saying to yourself, ‘Gee, I wonder if it’ll taste any better now?’
A quarter of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. Of these same men, 90 per cent will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves.
Judge, to woman, ‘On what grounds do you wish to divorce your husband?’ ‘Adultery,’ says the woman. ‘On what evidence?’ queries the judge. The woman replies, ‘I’m certain he’s not the father of my fourth child.’
A man goes to court to get a divorce. ‘Why do you want a divorce?’ asks the judge. The man replies, ‘Because I live in a two-storey house.’ ‘That’s not much of a reason to leave your wife,’ responds the judge. ‘Sure it is,’ replies the man. ‘Whenever I want some action in bed she just has two stories; either she has a headache, or it’s her time of the month.’
A newly divorced husband is attending a hearing to discuss his alimony payments. ‘After considering the matter, I’ve decided to award your wife £1,000 a month,’ says the Judge. ‘That’s very generous of you,’ says the man. ‘I might even slip her a few quid myself.’
After forty years of marriage Harry asks his wife June for a divorce. ‘A divorce? After all these years?’ says June. ‘After we’ve been through so much together? What about the time you had your heart attack, who nursed you back to health? When your business went bust, who convinced the bank manager to give you a loan? After the house burned down, who helped you rebuild? After your sister died, who helped you get over it? What would you have done without me?’ ‘Probably a lot better,’ says Harry. ‘After all these years I’ve finally figured out you’re bad luck.’
An elderly man and his wife tell a friend they’re getting divorced. ‘But you’re 95 and your wife is 93. You’ve been married for 72 years!’ says the friend. ‘Why do you want to separate now?’ The wife replies, ‘To be honest we haven’t been able to stand the sight of each other for a long time. But we thought we should wait till all the children died before we split up.’
‘Before we were married, we had something wonderful and special. What happened to it?’ ‘You spent it all.’
‘My wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!’ Rodney Dangerfield
A little boy asks his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’ ‘Don’t know, son,’ replies Dad. ‘I’m still paying.’
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Doris didn’t want to marry Harry for his money, but it was the only way she was going to get her hands on it.
If you didn’t have any money, I’d still love you. And miss you very much.
A fool and his money are soon married.
Woman, to friend, ‘I’ve finally found a way to get money out of my husband. We were arguing last night, and I told him I was going home to Mother. He gave me the fare.’
A woman is telling her friends, ‘Of course it was me who made my husband the millionaire he is today.’ ‘What was he before you got married?’ asks a friend. ‘A billionaire,’ replies the woman.
Woman, to husband, ‘Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?’ Husband, ‘Of course not, dear. I’d love you no matter who left you a fortune.’
A woman with a £50 note stuck in each ear goes to the bank to have a meeting with the manager. ‘Oh yes,’ says the manager when he’s told of the woman’s arrival. ‘She’s got £100 in arrears.’
For a brief period we were lovers. It was for the two weeks after we got married.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights – and so does she.
Two brides meet in a honeymoon hotel. One says, ‘Does your husband snore in his sleep?’ The other replies, ‘I don’t know. We’ve only been married three days.’
Two bridegrooms in a honeymoon hotel compare notes on their first night. ‘How did you leave your wife this morning?’ asks one. ‘On the bed, smoking,’ replies the other. ‘Wow,’ says the first. ‘Mine was just a bit sore!’
A man returns from his honeymoon and his friend asks him how it went. ‘Terrible,’ replies the man. ‘On the first night I got up to go to the bathroom and without thinking I put a £50 note on her pillow.’ ‘Well, that’s not so bad,’ replies the friend. ‘If she’s upset tell her it was a joke.’ ‘She wasn’t upset,’ replies the man. ‘I got upset when she gave me £30 change.’
Nigel gets married, but he’s led a sheltered life and is unsure what to do on his wedding night. ‘For goodness sake!’ shouts his wife. ‘Take your things off and put that thing you play with in the place where I pee!’ So Nigel does just what she says. He gets undressed and puts his accordion in the sink.
Two newly-weds are on their honeymoon. As they undress for bed the husband tosses his trousers to his bride, saying, ‘Here, put these on.’ She puts them on but the waist is twice the size of her body. ‘I can’t wear your trousers,’ she says. ‘That’s right,’ says her husband. ‘And don’t you ever forget it. I wear the pants in this family.’ With that the bride throws him her panties. ‘Try these on,’ she says. The husband tries them on but finds he can only get them as far as his knees. ‘Hell,’ he says, ‘I can’t get into your panties!’ His bride replies, ‘That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until you change your attitude.’
‘How many husbands have you had?’ ‘Do you mean apart from my own?’ Zsa Zsa Gabor
A twice-married wife runs up to her twice-married husband and says, ‘Come home quick! Your kids and my kids are beating up our kids.’
He’s been married so often, his wedding certificate says ‘To whom it may concern…’
He’s been married so often, they don’t issue him with a new marriage licence now. They just punch the old one.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
He’s been married so often, he signs the wedding certificate in pencil.
‘Before I got married to you, you said you were oversexed.’ ‘No. I said I was over sex.’
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Husband to wife: ‘After I shave in the morning I feel ten years younger.’ Wife: ‘So why not try shaving before you go to bed?’
Husband to wife: ‘Dear, tonight why don’t we try changing positions?’ Wife: ‘Okay, you stand by the sink and I’ll lie on the sofa.’
Husband to wife: ‘Y’ know darling, I can’t remember the last time we made love.’ Wife: ‘I can. That’s why we’re not doing it again.’
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she’s given her last blow job.
A man walks into a whorehouse and lays down £200. He says, ‘I want a girl that’ll go to bed and just lie still!’ The Madame says, ‘But, sir, for £200, you could have the best girl in the house!’ ‘No, thank you,’ replies the man. ‘I’m not horny, I’m just a little homesick!’
Tom, Harry and their wives decide to spice up their sex live by swapping partners. Later that night Tom rolls over in bed and says, ‘Hey, Harry. What d’you suppose our wives are up to?’
A doctor is doing the rounds of a maternity ward. ‘And when is Mrs Smith’s baby due?’ he asks the nurse. ‘The 5th of September,’ replies the nurse. ‘I see,’ says the doctor. ‘And how about Mrs Jones?’ ‘She’s due on the 5th too,’ replies the nurse. ‘And Mrs Evans?’ says the doctor. ‘She’s also due on the 5th,’ says the nurse. ‘And – don’t tell me – Mrs Brown is due on the 5th as well,’ says the doctor. ‘I don’t think so,’ replies the nurse. ‘She didn’t go on the church picnic.’
A husband has been having sex with his wife for 30 minutes when she looks up at him and says, ‘What’s the matter, Fred. Why are you taking so long?’ ‘Sorry,’ he says. ‘I just can’t think of anyone…’
Woman to husband: ‘Why don’t you ever call out my name when we’re making love?’ Husband: ‘I don’t want to wake you.’ ‘Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster’s dictionary describes a wedding as the process of
Mandy to Sandra: ‘What do you think our husbands talk about when they’re down the pub?’ ‘Probably the same things we talk about,’ replies Sandra. Mandy thinks for a moment then says, ‘Oh, the dirty bastards.’
Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy? It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month…
A doctor tells his patient that, after a long and active sex life, his penis is burnt out and he can only use it another 30 times. The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. ‘That’s terrible,’ she says. ‘With so few left we can’t waste any. Let’s make a list of special occasions.’ ‘Sorry,’ replies the man. ‘I already made a list. You’re not on it.’
A man comes home and finds his wife having sex with a tramp. ‘How could you?’ exclaims the husband. ‘It just sort of happened,’ replies his wife. ‘He came round asking for food, so I gave him last night’s dinner that you didn’t want. Then I thought he might as well have that shirt you don’t like. Then I offered him those new brown shoes you never wear. Then he asked me if there was anything else you didn’t use…’
A man complains to his friend that sex with his wife has become boring. ‘Use your imagination,’ says the friend. ‘Why not try playing doctor for an hour? That’s what I do.’ The man replies, ‘Wow, a whole hour. How do you make it last that long?’ ‘It’s easy,’ replies the friend. ‘I just keep her in the waiting room for 56 minutes.’
A man in a hotel bar sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at a table and goes over to chat her up. After talking to her for a while he invites her back to his room. ‘I can’t,’ says the woman. ‘I’m saving my virginity until I meet a man I can truly love.’ ‘That must be hard,’ says the man.’ ‘Oh I don’t mind so much,’ says the woman. ‘It’s my husband who’s really pissed off.’
A woman goes to see her doctor. ‘I’ve got a problem,’ she says. ‘Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell.’ ‘That’s quite natural,’ replies the doctor. ‘I don’t see what the problem is.’ The woman replies, ‘The problem is, it wakes me up.’
Dick asks Tom how he can put the spark back in his marriage. ‘Try being more daring and romantic,’ suggests Tom. ‘When you go home tonight give her a big box of chocolates and a bottle of champagne then strip her off and make love to her on the living-room rug.’ Dick agrees to give it a try and goes home. Next day Tom asks how it went. ‘Did you surprise your wife like I suggested?’ he asks. ‘Yes,’ replies Dick. ‘But I’m not sure who was the more surprised, my wife or her bridge group.’
A doctor is doing the rounds of a maternity ward. ‘And when is Mrs Smith’s baby due?’ he asks the nurse. ‘The 5th of September,’ replies the nurse. ‘I see,’ says the doctor. ‘And how about Mrs Jones?’ ‘She’s due on the 5th too,’ replies the nurse. ‘And Mrs Evans?’ says the doctor. ‘She’s also due on the 5th,’ says the nurse. ‘And – don’t tell me – Mrs Brown is due on the 5th as well,’ says the doctor. ‘I don’t think so,’ replies the nurse. ‘She didn’t go on the church picnic.’
Two married friends are out drinking. One says to the other, ‘I can never sneak into the house after I’ve been out all night. I’ve tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep up the stairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.’ His friend replies, ‘Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife’s arse and say, “How about a blow job?” and she always pretends she’s asleep.’
Two men are discussing their sex lives. ‘Does your wife ever let you do it doggie style?’ asks the first. ‘Not exactly,’ replies the second, ‘She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.’ ‘I see,’ says the first. ‘Kinky stuff, is it?’ ‘No,’ replies the second. ‘Whenever I make a move, she rolls over and plays dead.’
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
A couple had been married for 50 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows. They were discussing the details of their second wedding with their friends. She wasn’t going to wear a traditional bridal gown, and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what colour shoes she had to go with the dress. She replied, ‘Silver.’ At that point, her husband chimed in, ‘Yep, silver … to match her hair.’ Shooting a glaring look at his bald spot, her friend shot back, ‘So, I guess you’re going barefoot.’
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. ‘You don’t have to let your wife bully you,’ he said. ‘Go home and show her you’re the boss.’ The husband decided to take the doctor’s advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife’s face, and growled, ‘From now on you’re taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?’ ‘I certainly do,’ said his wife calmly. ‘The undertaker.’
A husband and wife were with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. ‘Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,’ the wife explained. ‘It’s all about education,’ she continued. ‘He did a communications course in college and I studied drama. He communicates very well and I act like I’m listening.’
A husband got in big trouble after forgetting his wedding anniversary. His wife gave him an ultimatum: ‘Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat.’ The next morning the man woke his wife, and urged her to look out of the window at the drive. She did, and let out a scream when she saw he had bought her… A set of bathroom scales.
A husband is someone who after taking the rubbish out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
A man is driving in America, when he picks up a Navajo man hitchhiking. They are making small talk when the Navajo notices a brown paper bag with something in it. The driver notices his glance and explains, ‘That’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.’ The Navajo man nods solemnly, ‘Good trade.’
A man is on his deathbed, his wife by his side. ‘Darling, you’ve always been by my side,’ he says. ‘When I broke my leg at 25, you were by my side. When I had my first heart attack at 45, you were by my side. When I had my second heart attack at 65, you were by my side. When I broke my hip at 75, you were by my side. And now when I’m dying, you are at my side … You’re a bleeding jinx!’
A man seeks a doctor’s advice because the ‘thrill’ was gone from his marriage. The doctor tells him that exercise will build up his stamina and suggests that he jog ten miles a day for 30 days. The man does this, calls the doctor, thanks him for the advice, noting that he feels great. The doctor asks how his love life is. The man replies: ‘How the heck would I know? I’m 300 miles from home.’
A man’s wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours, applying the ‘miracle’ products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, ‘Darling, honestly now, what age would you say I am?’ He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, ‘Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five.’ ‘Oh, you’re so sweet!’ gushed the wife. ‘Well, hang on,’ he replied, ‘I’m not finished adding it up yet.’
A spouse is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.
A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asks her husband to do.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
All the time I was in the navy my wife sent me nagging letters. I couldn’t even enjoy the war in peace.
Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing. ‘Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?’ he asked a friend. ‘Your chances are better,’ said the friend, ‘if you tell her you’re 90.’
Did you know my wife went to a self-help group for compulsive talkers? It’s called On and On Anon.
Don’t get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It’s a lot easier on you.
Every girl should learn to cook and clean the house, in case she doesn’t get married.
Have you heard about the man who has been married for 25 years and he spends every evening at home? His doctor says it’s paralysis.
He bought his wife an electric typewriter. Now he’s looking for a chair to match.
How did the telephone get married? In a double ring ceremony.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancée called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. I declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. ‘OK, honey,’ she told me. ‘We’ll wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!’
Marriage is like crossing the road. First you stop, then you look, and then you listen.
Marriage is popular because it combines maximum temptation with maximum opportunity.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is wonderful. To be able to sit at home, relax, drink beer and watch all your wife’s favourite programmes.
Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die.
Newly-weds were talking on the morning after their wedding night. ‘Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?’ the husband coyly asked. She replied, ‘I would definitely say that you’re warm.’ ‘Really?’ he said excitedly. ‘Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word “warm”.’ On their return home two weeks later he went straight to his dictionary and flicked through to ‘W’. ‘WARM: Not so hot.’
Their marriage got off to a bad start. They weren’t married by a Justice of the Peace, but by the Minister of Defence.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defence.
Three weeks after her wedding day, Daphne called her mother. ‘Mum,’ she wailed, ‘John and I had a dreadful fight!’ ‘Calm down,’ said her mum, ‘it’s not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!’ ‘I know, I know!’ said Daphne. ‘But what am I going to do with the BODY?’
Upset over a newly-wed squabble with her husband, a girl went to her mother to complain. Trying to console her, her father said that men are not all like this all the time. ‘Nonsense,’ she said. ‘Men are good for only one thing!’ ‘Yes,’ her mother interjected, ‘but how often do you have to parallel park?’
What’s the best way to get coffee in the morning? Wake up your wife.
What’s the quickest way to acquire a big vocabulary? Get married.
A little honey is good for your health – unless your wife finds out.
A marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
Love and marriage go together like a horse and carnage.
Love means telling you why you’re sorry.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage. An expensive way of getting your laundry done for free.
Matrimony is the high sea for which no compass has been invented.
Real men wear pink. Why? Because their wives make them.
She’s taken so many trips to the altar the last one was blindfold.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
We’re equal partners in our marriage. I’m the silent one.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it"s worth it!
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don"t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn"t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I"d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she"s left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
Husband looks into the bathroom where wife is waxing her legs and exclaims "I"ll never uderstand how a woman who can pour boiling wax on her legs and rip the hair out by the roots can be afraid of a little spider"
I married my husband for life, but I"ve seen more signs of it on Mars.
The three rings of marriage. Engagement Ring. Wedding Ring. Suffering.
An elderly man is driving his brand new BMW Z4, and unaware of its fleetness is travelling at 85 mph on a motorway. A traffic cop pulls up behind with his lights on. Figuring he had little to loose the elderly man floors it and accelerates to 120mph. Wondering what he was thinking he eases off and pulls into the hard shoulder; the cop pulls in behind.
A young officer approaches his window and on seeing the frail elderly man asks "What the hell were you doing?"
The elderly man replies, an earnest look in his eys, "Officer, today is the anniversary of the day my wife of twenty years ran off with a police officer. I thought you were trying to give her back!"
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I"m still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you"ve been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he"d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn"t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn"t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn"t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I"ve married you, I"m really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You"re a lawyer. This time I know I"m gonna get screwed!"
My One And Only
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine"s Day, at a very smart jeweller"s shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweller inquired, "Would you like your girlfriend"s name engraved on it?"
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, "No, instead engrave "To my one and only love"."
The jeweller smiled and said, "Yes, sir; how very romantic of you."
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, "Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again."
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more
frustrated at her husband"s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about
ways to add some pizzazz to their relationship, and finally decided to
purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as
usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned
the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between
her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on
his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied.
"Look what it did to your underwear"