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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
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by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
68 Light bulb Jokes
How many doctors, lawyers, doctors . does it take to change a light bulb? Find out in our light bulb jokes section!
1
Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? No, but you hum it and I’ll play it.
2
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. They don’t like to share the spotlight.
3
How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb? One.
4
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? Twenty-five. One to change it and 24 to sing about the experience.
5
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes 15 visits.
6
How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, to heal the old light bulb.
7
How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
8
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? I’ll have an estimate for you a week on Monday.
9
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. It turned itself in.
10
How many Dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? To get to the other side.
11
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who knows, they never get the house.
12
How many divorced women does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw in the bulb, and three to form a support group.
13
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: one to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old one was.
14
How many football managers does it take to change a light bulb? Who knows, they’re never around long enough for anyone to find out.
15
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis…ladder, I mean ladder.
16
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it takes a whole emergency room to get it out again.
17
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and the other to say ‘Fabulous’.
18
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it takes a lot of bulbs!
19
How many Hollywood directors does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he’ll want to do it 19 times.
20
How many Irish people does it take to change a light bulb? 257. One to hold it and 256 to turn the room.
21
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? None, ‘Never mind me, I’ll just sit here in the dark…’
22
How many Jewish-American princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.
23
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
24
How many LA cops does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to screw in a new bulb, and four to beat the crap out of the old one.
25
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
26
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None – she can do it when she’s finished the dishes.
27
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself.
28
How many medical students does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
29
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to put in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing.
30
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He holds it and waits for the world to revolve around him.
31
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Men will screw anything.
32
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. Just drop them in and they go right at it.
33
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Microsoft declare that darkness comes as standard with Windows 2000.
34
How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
35
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None of your damn business!
36
How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? There is nothing to change.
37
How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
38
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to change the bulb.
39
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? It depends on how many it took under the previous government.
40
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and another one to change it back again.
41
How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they get three tech reports out of it.
42
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. That’s a hardware problem.
43
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. But the light bulb has really got to want to change.
44
How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and one to eat the old one.
45
How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Real Men aren’t afraid of the dark.
46
How many Real Women does it take to change a light bulb? None. A Real Woman would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.
47
How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
48
How many stand-up comedians does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to screw it in, and another to say, “Sock it to me”.’
49
How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb? Both of them.
50
How many systems programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. You’ll never find one who’ll admit it went down in the first place.
51
How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? One. But he has to do it while you’re having dinner.
52
How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Televangelists screw in motels.
53
How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. People who glow in the dark don’t need light bulbs.
54
How many US Marines does it take to change a light bulb? 50. One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.
55
How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Oooh, like, manual labour? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
56
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? Into what?
57
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
58
How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison light bulb so it’ll be aesthetically accurate.
59
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
60
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.
61
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it’s already burned out).
62
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.
63
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
64
How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
65
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb, and four to chase away the Californians who come to relate to the experience.
66
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
67
How many philosophers does it take to replace a light bulb? Three. One to change it, and two to argue over whether or not the light bulb really exists.
68
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in, the other to observe how the light bulb symbolises a single, incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity.
69
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Fish!
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