A lawyer with insomnia consults his doctor. ‘Which side is it best to lie on?’ he asks. ‘The side that pays your fee,’ replies the doctor.

An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer.

Did you hear about the lawyer who was hurt in an accident? The ambulance he was chasing stopped too suddenly.

Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.

He was a very keen lawyer, he even named his daughter ‘Sue’.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.

I dated a lawyer until she said, ‘Stop, and/or I’ll slap your face!’

If a lawyer and a tax official were both drowning and you could only save one of them, what would you do; go to lunch or read the paper?

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

If it wasn’t for lawyers, we wouldn’t need them.

Lawyer: ‘Let me give you my honest opinion.’ Client: ‘No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.’

Lawyer’s creed – a man is innocent until proven broke.

Man to lawyer: ‘If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?’ Lawyer: ‘Absolutely. What’s the other question?’

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his rear.

What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honour.

What do you call ten lawyers buried up to their necks in the sand? Football practice.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Insufficient sand.

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.

What’s a foot long, transparent and lies in the gutter. A lawyer once the crap’s been kicked out of him.

What’s black and tan and looks great on a lawyer? A Dobermann pinscher.

What’s the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.

What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? The hooker will stop screwing you when you’re dead.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One’s a scum-sucking bottom dweller, the other’s a fish!

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathisers.

What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? New Jersey got to pick first.

Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes? Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.

Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex? To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.

Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing? Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.

Why don’t you see lawyers on the beach? Cats keep covering them with sand.

What’s the difference between a shame and a pity? If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors – that’s a pity. If there were any empty seats – that’s a shame.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and a drunk are in a bar when they spot a hundred pounds on the floor. Who gets it? The drunk – the other three are mythological creatures.

Two lawyers are walking down the road when they see a beautiful woman walking towards them. ‘What a babe,’ one says. ‘I’d sure like to screw her!’ ‘Really?’ replies the other. ‘Out of what?’

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before a crime, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after a crime, we call him a defence lawyer.

A man walks into a bar with a alligator. He says to the bartender, ‘Do you serve lawyers here?’ ‘Sure do,’ replies the bartender. ‘Good,’ says the man. ‘Give me a beer, and a lawyer for my ’gator.’

Terrorists have hijacked a planeload of lawyers bound for a legal convention. They’ve threatened to start releasing the lawyers one by one until their demands are met.

Lawyer: ‘Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?’ Client: ‘After hearing you in court, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.’

A lawyer is paid £950 in new bills but, on counting the money, he discovers that two notes have stuck together and he’s been overpaid by £50. This leaves him with an ethical dilemma – should he tell his partner?

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.

A man wanders into an antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. He picks through the curios on display and comes across a bronze sculpture of a rat. The craftsmanship is very good, and the price is low, so he buys it. Taking the rat statue outside the man walks towards the waterfront but is alarmed when he realises he’s being followed by a pair of real rats. Soon the two rats are joined by others, then more arrive, until a horde of rats is following the man. Terrified, the man starts to run and the rats run after him, more joining all the time. Finally the man reaches a pier where he’s cornered by a host of rats. Figuring this behaviour has something to do with the bronze rat sculpture, the man throws it into the sea. Immediately all the rats fling themselves into the water and drown. The man rushes back to the antique shop and accosts the old Chinese man who owns it. ‘About that statue…’ gasps the man. ‘Yes, I probably should have warned you,’ says the owner. ‘The statue is cursed…’ ‘Never mind that,’ says the man. ‘Have you got any statues of lawyers?’

Mister Smith is on his deathbed and comes up with a plan to take some of his wealth with him. He calls for the three men he trusts most – his lawyer, his doctor and his clergyman. ‘I’m going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die,’ says Mister Smith. ‘At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.’ At the funeral, each approaches the coffin and places an envelope inside. Later, while riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman says, ‘I have to confess I only put £20,000 in the coffin. The church needs a new baptistery very badly, so I took £10,000 out of the envelope.’ The doctor says, ‘Well, I didn’t put the full £30,000 in the coffin either. I used £20,000 of the money to buy a dialysis machine for the hospital.’ The lawyer then says, ‘I’m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope in that coffin it held my personal cheque for the full £30,000.’

Three men are travelling in the countryside when their car breaks down. They go to a farmhouse to seek shelter. The farmer only has two spare beds but says that one of the men can sleep in the barn. The first man, a rabbi, volunteers to sleep outside, but a few minutes after he leaves, there’s a knock at the door. It’s the rabbi. It turns out there’s a pig in the barn and the rabbi doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping there. To get round the problem the second man, a Hindu, volunteers to take the rabbi’s place. He leaves for the barn, but a few minutes later, there’s a knock at the door. It’s the Hindu. It turns out there’s also a cow in the barn and the Hindu doesn’t feel comfortable sleeping near it. The third man, a lawyer, says he doesn’t have any religious hang-ups and walks out to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later the rabbi and the Hindu hear a knock. The rabbi opens the door. Standing outside are a pig and a cow.

A doctor and a lawyer are involved in a car crash. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor is a little shaken up, offers him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, has a drink and hands back the flask. The lawyer puts it in his pocket. ‘Aren’t you having one yourself?’ asks the doctor. ‘Sure,’ says the lawyer. ‘But I’ll wait till after the police leave.’

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party but their conversation is constantly interrupted by people asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this the doctor says to the lawyer, ‘What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?’ ‘I give it to them,’ replies the lawyer. ‘Then I charge them for it.’ The doctor is shocked. ‘Does that really work?’ ‘Certainly does,’ replies the lawyer. ‘And that’ll be £400 thank you.’

A junior partner in a law firm is sent to represent a client accused of murder. After a long trial, the case is won and the client acquitted. The young lawyer telegraphs his firm with the message, ‘Justice prevailed’. The senior partner telegraphs back, ‘Appeal immediately’.

A lawyer buys a farm as a weekend retreat. While walking round his new property he looks down and sees that his feet are in the middle of a huge cowpat. The lawyer starts yelling, ‘Oh my God! Help me, help me!’ His wife runs up and asks what’s the matter. The lawyer points to his feet and screams, ‘I’m melting! I’m melting…!’

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says, ‘Congratulations!’ ‘Congratulations for what?’ asks the lawyer. ‘We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.’ ‘But that’s not true,’ says the lawyer. ‘I only lived to be forty.’ ‘That’s impossible,’ replies Saint Peter. ‘We’ve added up your time sheets.’

A lawyer opens the door of his BMW. Another car speeds by and hits the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrive, the lawyer is complaining bitterly. ‘Officer, look what they’ve done to my car!’ he whines. ‘You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick,’ replies the officer. ‘You’re so worried about your stupid car, you haven’t even noticed your left arm was ripped off!’ ‘Oh my God!’ replies the lawyer. ‘Where’s my Rolex?’

A man calls a lawyer’s office. A voice answers, ‘Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.’ The man says, ‘Let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘I’m sorry, he’s on vacation.’ ‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘He’s on a big case, not available for a week.’ ‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘He’s playing golf today.’ ‘Okay, then, let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘Speaking.’

A man is stuck in a traffic jam. Looking out of his car window he sees a kid on a skateboard weaving his way towards him. ‘Hey, what’s the hold up?’ he asks. ‘It’s some crazy lawyer,’ replies the boy. ‘He’s lying in the middle of the road. He’s doused himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to himself. We’re taking up a collection for him.’ ‘How much have you got so far?’ asks the man. The boy replies, ‘About thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters.’

A teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living. ‘What does you mother do all day, Billy?’ Billy replies, ‘My mummy is a doctor.’ ‘That’s wonderful,’ says teacher. ‘How about you, Amie?’ Amie stands up and says, ‘My father is a postman.’ ‘Thank you, Amie,’ says teacher. ‘And what about your father, Tim?’ Tim stands up and says, ‘My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.’ The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later she phones Tim’s mother to find out if it’s true. ‘No, it’s not true,’ says Tim’s mother. ‘His father’s a lawyer, but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?’

A widow goes to her doctor and asks him to explain the human reproductive process. ‘But you’ve been married three times,’ says the doctor. ‘Surely you’ve had sex?’ ‘Never,’ replies the woman. ‘My first husband was a gynaecologist, and all he did was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist, and all he did was talk about it. And my third husband was a explorer who was never around to do it.’ ‘So why do you want to know now?’ asks the doctor. ‘I’m getting married to a lawyer,’ replies the woman. ‘So I’m bound to get screwed somehow.’

A woman drives home with the front of her car covered in branches, sticks, leaves, mud, and lots of blood. ‘I’m really sorry about the car,’ says the woman to her husband. ‘But I hit a lawyer on the way home.’ ‘Well, that explains the blood,’ says the husband. ‘But what about the other stuff?’ ‘I had to chase him through the park,’ says the woman.

A woman is told she needs two kilos of brain for a transplant. She’s informed that two kilos of doctor brain will cost £500, and the two kilos of architect brain will cost £600. She replies that, since her father was a famous lawyer, she’d prefer a lawyer’s brain. ‘Okay,’ says the doctor. ‘That’ll cost you £10,000.’ ‘What?’ she says. ‘How can two kilos of lawyer’s brain cost £10,000?’ The doctor replies, ‘Do you have any idea how many lawyers we have to pop open to get that much?’

A woman walks into a post office and sees a man standing at the counter placing ‘Love’ stamps on bright pink envelopes. When an envelope has been stamped he sprays scent on it and posts it. The woman goes up to him and asks him what he’s doing. The man replies, ‘I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed “Guess who?”’ ‘But why would you want to do that?’ asks the woman. The man replies, ‘I’m a divorce lawyer.’

A young lawyer is defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence is against his client and he fears the worst. He asks a senior partner of his law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. The partner is horrified. ‘The judge is an honourable man,’ he exclaims. ‘If you do that, I can guarantee you’ll lose the case!’ Weeks later the judge rules in favour of the lawyer’s client. The partner takes him to lunch to congratulate him. ‘Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars to the judge?’ he says. ‘I did send them,’ replies the lawyer. ‘I just enclosed the plaintiff’s lawyer’s business card!’

After having a big operation a lawyer slowly comes out of anaesthesia. He looks round his room and says, ‘Doctor, why are all the blinds drawn in my room?’ ‘There’s a big fire across the street,’ replies the doctor. ‘We didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.’

An airliner is having engine trouble. The pilot instructs the cabin crew to prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later the pilot asks the flight attendants if everyone is buckled in and ready. ‘All set back here, Captain,’ comes the reply. ‘Except one lawyer. He’s still going around passing out business cards.’

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor. The doctor says, ‘We have three possible donors. One is a young, healthy athlete. The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.’ ‘I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,’ says the patient. ‘Why?’ asks the doctor. The patient replies, ‘It’s never been used.’

Jerry is charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquits him. Later that day Jerry comes back to speak to the judge that tried his case. ‘Your Honour,’ he says. ‘I want to get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine.’ ‘Why?’ asks the judge. ‘He won your acquittal. Why do you want to have him arrested?’ Jerry replies, ‘I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so the bastard went and took the car I stole.’

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faces the opposing lawyers. ‘Both of you have given me a bribe,’ he says. ‘You, Tom, gave me £15,000. And you, Harry, gave me £10,000.’ The judge reaches into his pocket, pulls out a cheque, and hands it to Tom. ‘I’m returning £5,000, and we’ll now decide this case solely on its merits.’

Two crooks try to hold up a lawyers’ club but the lawyers put up such a fight they have to flee before they manage to take much money. In the getaway car they count their loot. ‘I’ve got good news and bad news,’ says one of the crooks. ‘What d’you mean?’ asks the second crook. ‘We got away with £50,’ replies the first crook. ‘But we went in there with £75.’

Two doctors are having a fight in a hospital corridor. A consultant pulls them apart and asks what the trouble is. ‘There’s a lawyer in the next ward who only has two days to live,’ says one of the doctors. ‘Well, one of you has to tell him,’ says the consultant. ‘That’s the trouble,’ says the second doctor. ‘We both do.’

Two lawyers arrange to have lunch but one is over an hour late. Finally he turns up. ‘Sorry it took me so long,’ he says. ‘But I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tyre.’ ‘I’m surprised you didn’t see the bottle in the road,’ comments the other lawyer. ‘I couldn’t,’ says the first lawyer. ‘The kid had it under his coat.’

Two lawyers make a suicide pact and plan to jump from the top of their office block. The building is 20 storeys high, each lawyer has the same body type, and both weigh the same. One is wearing a brown suit, the other is wearing a blue suit. Question: which of them hits the street first? Answer: who cares?

Two tigers are prowling through the jungle in single file and the one behind keeps licking the arse of the tiger in front. ‘Will you stop that,’ says the first tiger. ‘It’s getting really annoying.’ ‘I’m sorry,’ says the second tiger. ‘But I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth.’

A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ ‘I’m a chiropractor,’ says the man. ‘I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.’ ‘Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me pickpocketing the guy in front of me.’

A man rings up his lawyer and says, ‘How much would you charge to answer three questions?’ The lawyer thinks for a moment, and says, ‘Two thousand pounds, plus VAT.’ ‘TWO THOUSAND!’ cries the man. ‘That’s a bit expensive, isn’t it?’ ‘Yes, I suppose it is,’ says the lawyer, after thinking for a moment longer. ‘What’s your third question?’

A man was chosen for jury service but he very much wanted to avoid it. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench. ‘Your Honour,’ he said, ‘I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, “He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty.” So, Your Honour, I could not possibly stay on this jury!’ The judge replied, ‘Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for – a good judge of character. That man is his lawyer.’

A teacher stood before his class and posed the following problem: ‘A wealthy man dies leaving an estate worth ten million pounds. Onethird is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, one-eighth to his secretary, and the rest to charity. ‘Now, what does each get?’ After a very long silence in the classroom, a hand was raised. The teacher called on the student. ‘A good lawyer?’

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the local zoo. Visitors are ushered out and the zoo is closed as snakes slither all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but no matter what he tries, he can’t get them back in their cages. Finally he turns to his aide and says, ‘I had hoped it would not come to this, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Run to the office and call a lawyer!’ ‘A lawyer? Why?’ ‘We need someone who speaks their language!’

Two small boys met during their first day at school. ‘My name is Billy. What’s yours?’ asked the first boy. ‘Tommy,’ replied the second. ‘My daddy’s an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?’ asked Billy. Tommy replied, ‘My daddy’s a lawyer.’ ‘Honest?’ asked Billy. ‘No, just the normal kind,’ replied Tommy.

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!

What do you get when you cross a godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? A mosquito drops off you when you die!

When you ask a housewife, accountant, and lawyer what two plus two is, what do they give you? The housewife says, ‘Four.’ The accountant says, ‘It’s either three or four, let me run it through my spreadsheet again.’ The lawyer closes the shutters, turns down the lights, and whispers, ‘What do you want it to be?’

Out of courtesy, sharks never attack lawyers.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, ‘You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!’ The old rancher replied, ‘Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning.’

A snotty Ivy League New York lawyer always felt it his duty to correct the language of those around him. In line at an airline counter in Texas, an unintelligible rush of language, dialect and other jargon confronted him. Thoroughly confused, he didn’t know where to start the inevitable criticism. Finally, in exasperation, he observed, ‘I do wish you Southerners would speak English.’ ‘We do,’ replied the young woman behind the counter. ‘Well, it’s not the King’s English,’ he protested. ‘Sure it is,’ the woman responded. ‘Elvis was a Southerner.’