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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
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by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
312 Insults Jokes
1
‘Do you think I can buy back my introduction to you?’ Groucho Marx
2
‘He is a modest man who has a good deal to be modest about.’ Winston Churchill
3
‘I have had a perfectly wonderful evening – but this wasn’t it.’ Groucho Marx
4
‘I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.’ Groucho Marx
5
‘There’s no beginning to your talents.’ Clive Anderson to Jeffrey Archer
6
‘You know, I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters.’ Groucho Marx
7
Any friend of yours – is a friend of yours.
8
Any similarity between you and a human being is purely coincidental.
9
Are you depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10
Are you the first in your family to be born without a tail?
11
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
12
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.
13
At least you’re not obnoxious like so many other people – you’re obnoxious in different and worse ways!
14
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
15
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
16
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
17
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can’t take the credit.
18
Don’t you realise that there are enough people to hate in the world already, without your working so hard to give us another?
19
For him it’s a night out. For his family it’s a night off.
20
God could still use you for miracle practice.
21
He could be described as charming, intelligent and witty. And who knows, perhaps one day he will be.
22
He’s a difficult man to forget. But well worth the effort.
23
He’s a lesson to us all. He’s a man who started out with nothing and to this day he still has most of it.
24
He’s a man of hidden talents. As soon as we find one we’ll let you know.
25
Here’s 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back the change!
26
His own father looks on him as the son he never had.
27
I believe in respect for the dead – in fact I could only respect you if you were dead!
28
I bet I know what you use for contraception? Your personality.
29
I can tell you always manage to keep your head above water – just by the colour of it.
30
I can’t seem to remember your name, please don’t help me!
31
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
32
I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.
33
I hear you had an arsehole transplant – and the arsehole rejected you.
34
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
35
I know you’re a self-made man – it’s nice of you to take the blame!
36
I like your approach, now let’s see your departure.
37
I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you.
38
I only know you superficially. But to be honest, I think that’s enough.
39
I see you in my dreams – if I eat too much.
40
I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread this morning. But when I looked again what it actually said was, ‘Thick cut’.
41
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
42
I used to think you were a pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
43
I want nothing out of you but breathing, and very little of that!
44
I won’t mind you talking as long as you won’t mind me not listening.
45
I wouldn’t piss in your ear if your brain was on fire!
46
I’d like to give you a going-away present – but you have to do your part.
47
I’d like to leave you with one thought – but I’m not sure you have a place to put it!
48
I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my arse.
49
I’ll never forget the first time we met – although I’ll keep trying.
50
I’m busy now – can I ignore you some other time?
51
I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.
52
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
53
I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. Having met you, I’ve changed my mind.
54
I’ve hated your looks from the start they gave me.
55
I’ve only got one nerve left – and you’re getting on it.
56
I’ve seen people like you before – but I had to pay admission!
57
If God tried to help you, we’d have an eight-day week.
58
If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I’m glad.
59
If I want any crap out of you I’ll squeeze your head.
60
If I want your stupid opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.
61
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
62
If we killed everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder; it would be genocide!
63
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner’s luck!
64
If you think people are the same as you, you have a very low opinion of them.
65
Instead of being born again, why don’t you just grow up?
66
It’s hard to believe you beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
67
It’s mind over matter – I don’t mind, because you don’t matter.
68
Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one!
69
Keep talking – I always yawn when I’m interested.
70
Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!
71
Nobody thinks more highly of him than I do. And I think he’s a prat.
72
Of all the people I’ve met, you’re certainly one of them.
73
One day you stopped to think then forgot to start again.
74
Ordinarily people live and learn – you just live.
75
Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
76
People can’t say that you have absolutely nothing – you have inferiority!
77
People tend to take an instant dislike to you – which isn’t very nice but it does save time.
78
Please breathe the other way – you’re bleaching my hair.
79
Some people are one in a million. He was won in a raffle.
80
Some people say you’re superficial – but that’s just on the surface.
81
Someone said you’re not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
82
The good news is that Jesus loves you. I, on the other hand, think you’re a jerk.
83
The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
84
The only thing you brought to your job was your car.
85
The smaller the pip, the louder the squeak.
86
The ultimate proof of the overwhelming nature of the sex drive is the fact that someone was willing to father you.
87
There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.
88
There’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
89
They say one day he’ll be Prime Minister. And one day will be quite enough.
90
They say opposites attract. I hope you find someone good-looking and intelligent who doesn’t stink.
91
We all sprang from the apes – but you didn’t spring far enough.
92
We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits?
93
We know you’d go to the end of the world for us – but would you stay there?
94
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
95
When people first meet you, they don’t like you. When they get to know you better, they hate you.
96
When they made him they kept the mould and threw him away.
97
When you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, ‘Don’t come home and all will be forgiven.’
98
When you were a child your mother tried to hire someone to take care of you – but the Mafia wanted too much.
99
Whoever told you to just be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
100
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
101
You are a haemorrhoid on the arse of the world.
102
You are a prime candidate for natural deselection.
103
You couldn’t hit sand if you fell off a camel.
104
You couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.
105
You did some soul searching, but didn’t find one.
106
You do a very good impression of a river – small at the head and big at the mouth. Your dock doesn’t quite reach the water.
107
You don’t know the meaning of the word fear, but then again you don’t know the meaning of most words.
108
You fear success, but really have nothing to worry about.
109
You got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
110
You have a good weapon against muggers – your face.
111
You have a great deal of pride, but very little to be proud of.
112
You have a lot of well-wishers – they’d all like to throw you down one.
113
You have a mechanical mind. Too bad you forgot to wind it up this morning.
114
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
115
You have an inferiority complex – and it’s fully justified.
116
You have an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
117
You have depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, you’re shallow.
118
You have nothing to say, but delight in saying it.
119
You let your mind wander, and it hasn’t come back yet.
120
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
121
You remind me of the ocean – you make me sick.
122
You took an IQ test and the results were negative.
123
You used to be arrogant and obnoxious, now you’re the opposite – obnoxious and arrogant.
124
You were the life and soul of the party. Which tells us a lot about the party.
125
You’re about as useful as a chocolate teapot.
126
You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
127
You’re down to earth – but not quite far enough.
128
You’re living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.
129
You’re living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
130
You’re not as bad as people say – you’re worse!
131
You’re not yourself today – I noticed the improvement immediately.
132
You’re the answer to my prayers. Unfortunately I was praying to see if things could get any worse.
133
You’re the best at all you do – and all you do is make people hate you.
134
You’re the sort of person who’d have been called a shining wit – by Doctor Spooner.
135
You’ve been called rude, cold, egotistical, self-centred and arrogant. But that’s just your family’s opinion.
136
You’ve been compared to many great men. Unfavourably. But you have been compared to them.
137
You’ve got your head so far up your arse you could chew your food twice.
138
Your men would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
139
Your only purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
140
Your personality’s split so many ways you can go to group therapy by yourself.
141
He’s a man of hidden shallows.
142
You have a room-temperature IQ
143
You’re a peripheral visionary.
144
You have delusions of adequacy.
145
Your future is behind schedule.
146
You are overdue for reincarnation.
147
You have an ego like a black hole.
148
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
149
You’re the goalie for the dart team.
150
Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.
151
I’m not rude. You’re just insignificant.
152
You’ll never be the man your mother was!
153
If I wanted to hear from an ass, I’d fart.
154
Nice suit. Were you there for the fitting?
155
She’s a treasure. I wonder who dug her up?
156
Jane and Mary meet in the street. ‘My God,’ says Jane. ‘It must be ten years since I last saw you. You’re looking much older.’ ‘You too,’ replies Mary. ‘In fact if it weren’t for your dress and shoes I wouldn’t have recognised you at all.’
157
You’re all crown and no filling. ‘To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.’ John Cleese
158
You’ve got both oars in the water but they’re on the same side of the boat.
159
Your driveway doesn’t quite reach the garage.
160
Your elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
161
Your wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.
162
You’re a few beans short of a casserole.
163
Your dock doesn’t quite reach the water.
164
Your lights are on but no one’s at home.
165
You’ve got lots of bricks, but no cement.
166
You’re a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
167
‘To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.’ John Cleese
168
‘You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.’ Groucho Marx
169
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
170
Are you always so stupid, or is today a special occasion?
171
Calling you stupid would be an insult to the stupid.
172
Don’t go to a mind reader – go to a palmist. I know you’ve got a palm.
173
Don’t let your mind wander too far. It’s too little to be out alone.
174
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take ten seconds.
175
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
176
He has to be careful. He’s not allowed anything sharp – like a mind.
177
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
178
I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
179
I don’t think you’re a fool. But then what’s my opinion against thousands of others?
180
I must say you’re very open-minded. So much so your brains have fallen out.
181
I refuse to enter a battle of wits with you – I can’t attack an unarmed person.
182
I would like to insult you, but with your intelligence you wouldn’t get offended.
183
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
184
I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
185
If brains were dynamite you’d have nothing to worry about.
186
If I gave you a penny for his thoughts, I’d get change back.
187
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
188
If ignorance is bliss, you must be experiencing a near constant orgasm.
189
If intelligence was rain, you’d be holding an umbrella.
190
If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, you’re practically invulnerable.
191
If you stand close enough to your head, you can hear the ocean.
192
If you were any more stupid, you’d have to be watered twice a week.
193
Looking on the bright side, you’re immune from serious head injury.
194
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
195
There sits a man with an open mind – you can feel the draught from here.
196
What you lack in intelligence, you more than make up for in stupidity.
197
What’s on your mind, if you’ll forgive the overstatement?
198
When I look into your eyes – I see the back of your head.
199
Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
200
Would you cover one of your ears, please? You’re causing a draught.
201
Y’ know, I’d love to screw your brains out, but it seems someone beat me to it.
202
You have an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
203
You’re always lost in thought – it’s unfamiliar territory.
204
You’re like one of those ‘idiot savants’ – without the ‘savant’.
205
You’re nobody’s fool – let’s see if we can get someone to adopt you.
206
You’re not a complete idiot – some parts are missing.
207
You’re not as dumb as you look, but then again, that would be impossible.
208
Your brain waves fall a little short of the beach.
209
Your mouth’s in gear but your brain’s in neutral.
210
Your reaction time is longer than your attention span.
211
Your verbosity is exceeded only by your stupidity.
212
Too bad stupidity isn’t painful.
213
You’re so dense, light bends around you.
214
If brains were taxed, you’d get a rebate.
215
Please sit down and give your mind a rest.
216
What’s the latest dope – besides yourself?
217
Clearly your behaviour is the result of a childhood trauma from the time your parents spanked you for landing on your head and breaking the concrete.
218
You’re as bright as Alaska in December.
219
‘You remind me of the sea.’ ‘Why, because I’m wild and romantic?’ ‘No, you make me sick.’
220
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
221
He fell out of the family tree.
222
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I’ll tell you later.
223
I’m not saying she was dirty, but I thought she was wearing black gloves until she washed her hands.
224
I’m not saying they’re ugly; the pictures in their family album are fine. It’s just that they forgot to put the jokes under them.
225
If brains were dynamite you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.
226
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.
227
No, those trousers don’t make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?
228
She has a good head on her shoulders, although it would look better on her neck.
229
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
230
She swears she’s never been kissed. You can’t blame her for swearing.
231
She was as pretty as a picture, but the frame was a mess.
232
She was so stupid she’d look for a wishbone in a boiled egg
233
She’s so ugly, she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
234
Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
235
The only way she can get colour in her face is to stick her tongue out.
236
The oven’s on, but nothing’s cooking.
237
This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.
238
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
239
Those people are so dumb, one of ’em was killed in a pie-eating contest when the cow sat on him.
240
What’s the difference between a hedgehog and a Range Rover? The pricks are on the inside in a Range Rover.
241
When I think of all the people I respect the most, you’re right there, serving them drinks.
242
You may pretend to dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me.
243
You’re so ugly, when you go into the bank they turn off the surveillance cameras.
244
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
245
Bureaucrats cut red tape. Lengthways.
246
Does your face hurt, because it’s killing me!
247
Don’t be humble; you’re not that great.
248
Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
249
Have you been to the zoo? As a visitor, I mean.
250
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
251
He can’t find his ass with two hands and a periscope.
252
He couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
253
He doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
254
He doesn’t have his belt through all the loops.
255
He donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
256
He forgot to pay his brain bill.
257
He has an intellect rivalled only by garden tools.
258
He was born during low tide in the gene pool.
259
He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Regaine.
260
He’s a few clowns short of a circus.
261
He’s a little too tall for his blood supply.
262
He’s all foam and no beer.
263
He’s an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
264
He’s as bright as Alaska in December.
265
He’s been working with glue too much.
266
He’s so dumb, he sits on the TV and watches the sofa.
267
His deck has no picture cards.
268
His jogging trail doesn’t go all the way around the lake.
269
I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
270
I haven’t been ignoring you; I’ve been prioritizing you.
271
I like the way you dress. Who wears your clean clothes?
272
I love you more today than tomorrow.
273
I’m sorry, do I resemble your therapist?
274
If his face is his fortune, he’ll never have to pay tax.
275
If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
276
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
277
In a battle of wits, she’s unarmed.
278
Is that your face or are you breaking it in for a baboon?
279
Is that your real face, or are you wearing a gas mask?
280
It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.
281
It’s OK to let your mind go blank; but please turn off the sound.
282
Most people aren’t as deep as my toilet bowl.
283
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
284
Never worry about being a little behind; worry about being a big one.
285
She has a heart of gold; hard and yellow.
286
She has a soft heart, and a head to match.
287
She’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal.
288
She’s as clever as bait.
289
She’s deaf, dumb and blonde.
290
She’s got a photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
291
She’s proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
292
She’s so stupid she can’t spell Anna backwards.
293
She’s so wrinkled, her mother was a Shar Pei.
294
Single-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
295
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
296
Some girls have dishpan hands. She has a dishpan face.
297
Support your local Search and Rescue unit. Get lost.
298
Takes him one and a half hours to watch 60 minutes.
299
Thank you for not annoying me more than you do.
300
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
301
The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.
302
The last time I saw a face like yours, I threw it a fish.
303
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
304
The wheel’s spinning, but his hamster’s dead.
305
There’s only one problem with her face. It shows.
306
This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.
307
Wait… I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
308
When all else fails, admit I’m right and kiss my ass.
309
When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
310
When I want your opinion, I’ll remove the duct tape.
311
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
312
Whenever it rains I think of him. Drip… Drip… Drip…
313
Two men looking in a car showroom window. "Thats the one I"d get", one said. A Cyclops came round the corner and punched him for the insult.
314
Oh yeah, if you"re so clever, how come I don"t understand you.
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