‘He looks like an explosion in a pubic hair factory.’ Jonathan Miller

How did they know the shark attack victim had dandruff? They found his head and shoulders on the beach.

I do sometimes bleach my hair. It’s the only way I can get it clean.

I’m not bald; I’ve just got flesh-coloured hair.

It’s such a shame to ruin such beautiful blonde hair by dying the roots black.

Men, don’t worry if your hair is getting thin on top; fat hair is unhealthy.

What is the only true cure for dandruff? Baldness.

What should you buy if your hair falls out? A good vacuum cleaner.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they’re gorgeous.

Yo momma’s so hairy, they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower.

She waxed the hair off her legs, she waxed the hair off her armpits, she waxed the hair off her bikini line. But when she tried to wax the hair out of her nostrils she asphyxiated herself.

Tom sees Harry on the high street and shouts, ‘What did you do to your hair? It looks like a wig!’ Harry looks embarrassed and says, ‘Well, it is a wig.’ Tom replies, ‘You know what, you’d never be able to tell.’

A bald man sees a sign outside a barber’s shop saying, ‘Baldies! Instant treatment! A head of hair just like mine for £5,000!’ Underneath the sign is a picture of the barber with a fine mane of luxuriant hair. The bald man goes in and says, ‘Can you guarantee my head will look like yours, instantly, for £5,000?’ ‘I sure can,’ says the barber. ‘It’ll only take a few seconds for us to look exactly alike.’ So the bald man hands over the £5,000, and the barber shaves his own hair off.

A girl is at the hairdresser’s chatting to her stylist. ‘My boyfriend has terrible dandruff,’ she says. ‘Is there anything you can suggest?’ The stylist replies, ‘Why don’t you give him Head & Shoulders?’ The girl thinks for a moment then says, ‘So how do you give shoulders?’

Father O’Leary invites Rabbi Levy round for tea and offers him a ham sandwich. ‘It looks very tempting,’ says the rabbi. ‘But you know I can’t eat ham.’ ‘Ah go on,’ says the Father. ‘Just a little bit. To be sure it won’t do you any harm.’ ‘No, I’d better not,’ says the rabbi. ‘Oh go on,’ insists the Father. ‘Don’t be so old fashioned now.’ ‘All right,’ says the rabbi. ‘I will have one – at your wedding.’

Little boy to grandfather: ‘Are you still growing, Grandad?’ Grandfather: ‘I don’t think so. Why do you ask?’ Boy: ‘It’s just that the top of your head’s coming out through your hair.’