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This Will Make You Laugh

24 Drugs Jokes

1
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‘Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?’ George Carlin
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2
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A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She now has 14 kids – but doesn’t really care.
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3
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Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
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4
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Have you heard about the craze for Ecstasy-impregnated bubble gum that’s sweeping the Yorkshire dance clubs? It’s called ‘E’ ba gum.
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5
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I said ‘no’ to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
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6
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I say that if a rock star is found to have used illegal drugs, the Olympic commission should strip him of his gold discs.
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7
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I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
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8
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If you really want to get stoned, drink wet cement.
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9
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In the 60s people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.
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10
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Some people think its clever to take drugs. Most of them are customs officers.
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11
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‘My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child … Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.’
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12
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Did you hear about the man who complained to the pharmacist that he had given his wife arsenic instead of sleeping pills? The pharmacist charged him another £10.
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13
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Good news: Pete Doherty has entered a twelve-step programme. The bad news is that he lives twelve steps from a crack house.
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14
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Have you heard about the pill which is half aspirin and half glue? It’s for splitting headaches.
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15
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Police recently arrested a man on drug charges. The suspect allegedly had been selling pills he claimed would give you eternal youth. When going through their files, police discovered it was the fourth time the man had been charged. His earlier arrests were in 1612, 1800 and 1928.
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16
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Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
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17
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The price of Prozac doubled last year. When Prozac users were asked what they thought about the increase, they said, ‘Whatever.’
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18
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Why did the man tiptoe into the chemist’s? He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.
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19
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Acid: Better living through chemistry.
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20
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Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
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21
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Drugs: Accomplish your dreams.
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22
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I used to have a drug problem, but now I have more money.
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23
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Viagra: A whole new concept of recreational drugs.
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24
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Three students are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out. One of the men stands up and says, ‘Look, we’ve got loads more tobacco, I’ll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality joints.’ Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a joint. On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners, who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he’s still out cold, so they decide to take him to the hospital. On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his friends and asks, ‘So what was he doing then? Cannabis?’ ‘Well, sort of,’ replies one of the guys, ‘but we ran out of drugs, so I made a home-made spliff.’ ‘Oh,’ replies the doctor, ‘so what did you put in it?’ ‘Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.’ The doctor sighs. ‘Well, that explains it.’‘Why, what’s wrong with him?’ demands one of the students. The doctor replies, ‘He’s in a korma.’
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Man Walks Into A Joke: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners