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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
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by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
139 Dogs Jokes
1
‘Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.’ Sue Murphy
2
‘I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.’ Steven Wright
3
‘My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!’ Rodney Dangerfield
4
‘Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.’ Rodney Dangerfield
5
‘What a dog I got. His favourite bone is in my arm!’ Rodney Dangerfield
6
‘With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.’ Rodney Dangerfield
7
A barking dog never bites. Well, at least not while it’s barking.
8
A dog goes into a grocer’s with a basket in its mouth. In the basket is a shopping list and a purse. The grocer reads the list, puts the goods requested into the basket, takes some money from the purse and puts back the change. The dog then runs off home. This happens every week for months and the grocer becomes extremely impressed by the animal’s intelligence and its dedication to its task. One day he decides to follow the animal home and see if its owner would be willing to sell it. The dog eventually leads the grocer to a run-down house where it puts the basket on the doorstep and rings the door-bell with its nose. After a few seconds an old woman opens the door and starts hitting the dog with a stick. ‘Stop!’ shouts the grocer. ‘What are you doing? That’s the most intelligent dog I’ve ever seen in my life.’ ‘Intelligent, my arse!’ shouts the old woman. ‘That’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his keys.’
9
A dog goes into a job centre and asks for employment. ‘Wow, a talking dog,’ says the clerk. ‘With your talent I’m sure we can find you a job at the circus.’ ‘The circus?’ says the dog. ‘What does a circus want with a plumber?’
10
A dog goes to a telegraph office and dictates a message. ‘Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.’ The operator reads it back then says, ‘Y’ know, we charge per ten words. You could have an extra ‘woof’ for free.’ ‘No thanks,’ says the dog.
11
A dog is sitting in a cinema with its owner. The dog stares at the screen intently and growls whenever the villain appears and wags its tail whenever the hero comes on. An old lady has been watching the dog’s behaviour. She turns to its owner and says, ‘That’s extraordinary behaviour for a dog.’ ‘You’re right,’ says the owner. ‘It is surprising – he hated the book.’
12
A dog with three legs walks into a Wild West bar and says, ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’
13
A mailman meets a boy and a huge dog. ‘Does your dog bite?’ asks the mailman. ‘No,’ replies the boy. And the dog bites the mailman’s leg. ‘You said he doesn’t bite!’ yells the mailman. ‘That’s not my dog,’ replies the boy.
14
A man bought a dachshund for his six children so they’d have a dog they could all pet at once.
15
A man enters a little country store and sees a sign reading, ‘Danger! Beware of Dog’. He then sees an old hound dog lying asleep on the floor. ‘Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?’ says the man to the shopkeeper. ‘Yep,’ replies the shopkeeper. ‘Before I posted that sign, everyone kept tripping over him.’
16
A man is walking through a park when he steps in a pile of dog mess. He pauses to wipe his shoe on the grass and sees another man step into the same pile. ‘I just did that,’ says the man, so the other man rubs his nose in it.
17
A man notices a small boy wearing a fireman’s hat, sitting in a cart being pulled by his pet dog. When he gets closer he notices that the cart is tied to the dog’s testicles. ‘That’s a nice fire engine,’ says the man. ‘But wouldn’t the dog pull faster if you tied the rope to his collar?’ ‘Yes,’ says the boy. ‘But then I wouldn’t have a siren.’
18
A man sees a sign in front of a house, ‘Talking Dog for Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner takes him to the back yard where the dog is chained to a post. ‘Can you talk?’ asks the man. ‘Yep,’ says the dog. ‘I discovered this gift when I was young. I decided to help the Government, so I got in touch with the CIA. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one would think a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out though, I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a lot of medals. Later I got a wife, had some puppies, and now I’m retired.’ The man is amazed. He asks the owner what he wants for the dog. ‘Ten dollars,’ replies the owner. ‘That’s a low price for such an amazing dog,’ says the man. ‘Why on earth are you selling him?’ The owner replies, ‘Because he’s such a huge liar.’
19
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ ‘Okay,’ says the vet. ‘Let’s have a look at him.’ So he picks up the dog examines his eyes and checks his teeth. Finally he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’ asks the man. ‘No,’ replies the vet. ‘Because he’s really, really heavy.’
20
A man walks by a table in a casino and passes three men and a dog playing cards. ‘That’s a very smart dog,’ says the man. ‘He’s not so clever,’ says one of the players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.’
21
A man walks into a bar and says, ‘Who’s the owner of that Great Dane tied up outside?’ A man replies, ‘It’s mine. Why do you ask?’ The first man says, ‘I’m sorry, but my dog just killed your dog.’ The owner of the Great Dane is shocked. ‘Are you kidding? That dog was huge!’ ‘I know,’ says the first man, ‘but he just choked on my chihuahua…’
22
A man walks into a bar with a small dog. The guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing some great tunes. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags it out. The bartender says, ‘That little dog was fantastic, but what was up with the big dog?’ The man replies, ‘Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor.’
23
After many years of service, a rich lady decides to fire her maid and hire someone younger. When she hears the news, the maid takes a steak out of the fridge and throws it to the family dog. ‘Why did you do that?’ asks the lady of the house. ‘I never forget a friend,’ replies the maid. ‘That was for his help cleaning the dishes all these years!’
24
Bert takes his dog to the vet and says, ‘Can you cut off my dog’s tail?’ ‘Why do you want me to do that?’ asks the vet. Bert replies, ‘My mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want her to think she’s welcome.’
25
Did you hear about the Irish coyote? It got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
26
Dogs are only able to see in black and white. They thought about breeding a dog that would be able to see in colour but it would have meant putting up the licence.
27
Harry bought a puppy going cheap at the pet shop. It cost him a fortune because it did bird impressions.
28
Harry goes into a shop and asks for some clothes detergent to wash his dog with. The shopkeeper tells him to use shampoo instead but Harry buys the detergent anyway. A week later Harry returns to the shop to buy a paper. ‘How’s your dog?’ asks the shopkeeper. ‘It died,’ replies Harry. ‘I told you detergent wasn’t a good idea,’ replies the shopkeeper. ‘It wasn’t the soap that killed him,’ says Harry. ‘It was the spin cycle.’
29
Harry to Tom: ‘Do you want to pat my new dog?’ Tom: ‘He looks a bit vicious. Sure he won’t bite?’ Harry: ‘ I don’t know. That’s why I want you to pat him.’
30
How can you tell if you have kinky dogs? They do it in the missionary position.
31
I loathe people who keep dogs. They’re cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.
32
I lost my dog. I didn’t know what to do so I put an advert in the newspaper saying, ‘Here boy!’
33
I think my dog must have a particularly cold nose. Whenever he walks in a room, all the other dogs sit down.
34
I’m opposed to the testing of dog food on animals.
35
I’ve got a dog that barks all night. I’m thinking of buying him a burglar.
36
Little Johnny has a sick dog called Rex. After a visit to the vet, Dad tells Johnny that Rex probably won’t live for more than a month. ‘But Rex wouldn’t want you to be sad,’ says Dad. ‘He’d want you to have happy memories of him.’ ‘Can we give him a funeral?’ asks Johnny. ‘Sure,’ says Dad. ‘Can I invite all my friends?’ asks Johnny. ‘Sure you can,’ says Dad. ‘And can we have cake and ice-cream?’ asks Johnny. ‘You can have all the cake you want,’ says Dad. ‘Dad,’ says Johnny. ‘Can we kill Rex today?’
37
Man to friend: ‘My dog has no tail.’ Friend: ‘How do you know if he’s happy?’ Man: ‘He stops biting me.’
38
Man, to friend, ‘I’ve really had it with my dog: he’ll chase anyone on a bike.’ Friend, ‘What are you going to do? Have him put down?’ Man, ‘No, I think I’ll just take his bike away.’
39
Man, to friend: ‘The dog is just like one of the family.’ Friend: ‘Which one?’
40
My dog has an ingrown tail. I have to have him X-rayed to find out if he’s happy.
41
My dog is worried about the economy because dog food is up to 50p a can – that’s around Ł3.50 in dog money.
42
My dog’s very obedient. The other day I said, ‘Heel!’ And he bit me in the heel.
43
My Dog… Can Lick Anyone.
44
One of the great mysteries of life – why do we never see white dog shit any more?
45
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of the dog, it’s too dark to read.
46
Three small boys are sitting on the kerb when they see a fire engine zoom past. Sitting by the driver is a Dalmatian and the boys discuss what it might be doing there. ‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ says one boy. ‘He’s just for good luck,’ says the second boy. The third boy brings the argument to a close, ‘They use him to find the fire hydrants.’
47
Two men are out walking their dogs. One dog raises its leg for a pee against a wall. The second dog goes to have a pee, but instead of lifting a leg, it stands up on its hind legs, leans both front paws on the wall, and relieves itself. The first dog’s owner says, ‘Wow, how did you teach him that?’ The other man replies, ‘I didn’t. He’s done that ever since a wall fell on him!’
48
Two neighbours are arguing. ‘And keep your animal out of my conservatory!’ says one. ‘It’s full of fleas!’ The other neighbour turns to her dog and says, ‘Did you hear that, Rover? Keep out of next-door’s conservatory! It’s full of fleas.’
49
Two women are arguing about which has the smarter dog. The first woman says, ‘My dog’s so smart, every morning he runs to the newsagent’s with money in his mouth, buys a paper, runs back, lets himself into the house and brings it to me in bed.’ The second woman replies, ‘I know.’ ‘How could you know?’ asks the first woman. The second woman replies, ‘My dog told me.’
50
Two women are sitting in a vet’s waiting room with their dogs, one a Jack Russell, the other a Great Dane. The Jack Russell’s owner says she’s there because her dog humps anything that moves. ‘Mine’s exactly the same,’ says the Great Dane’s owner. ‘Oh,’ says the first owner. ‘So you’re here to have him neutered?’ ‘No,’ replies the second. ‘I’m having his toenails trimmed.’
51
We have a watchdog that reacts instantly to intruders – it hides under the bed.
52
We’re what you might call the average family. There’s me, the wife, and 2.8 kids. We used to have three kids but then we got the pit bull.
53
What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater? A plain clothes police dog!
54
What do you call a dog that makes a bolt for the door? Blacksmith!
55
What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller? Spot.
56
What do you call a dog with four-inch legs and six-inch steel balls? Sparky.
57
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter, he still won’t come!
58
What do you get if you cross a dog and a lion? A terrified postman!
59
What do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep? A sheep that can round itself up!
60
What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog? A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!
61
What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog? An animal that barks at low-flying aircraft!
62
What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pit bull? A dog that bites your leg off and runs for help!
63
What does a dog become after it is six years old? Seven years old.
64
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus? He stole the show!
65
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
66
What looks like a dog, eats dog food, lives in a doghouse and is very dangerous? A dog with a machine gun.
67
What’s a shiatsu? A dog. No, a zoo with no animals.
68
What’s black and white and red all over? A Dalmatian with sunburn.
69
What’s the difference between a businessman and a warm dog? The businessman wears a suit, the dog just pants.
70
When does a dog go ‘Moo’? When it’s learning a second language!
71
When dog food is new and improved with a better taste, who tests it?
72
Why aren’t there any dogs on the moon? Because there aren’t any trees.
73
Why did Harry name his dog ‘Carpenter’? Because he was always doing little jobs around the house.
74
Why did the dachshund bite the woman’s ankle? He couldn’t reach any higher!
75
Why didn’t the boy advertise in the paper when his dog was lost? His dog never read the paper.
76
Why do dogs wag their tails? No one else will do it for them!
77
Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat? Cats can’t drive!
78
Why should you watch out when it rains cats and dogs? Because you might step in a poodle!
79
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!
80
A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They get to drinking, and after a while the dog passes out. Soon the man gets up to leave and the bartender says, ‘Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there.’ The guy turns and says, ‘It’s not a lion, it’s my dog.’
81
Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping? Scared the hell out of the dog.
82
Did you hear about the dog that was so lazy that when his owner was watering the garden he never lifted a leg to help him.
83
Did you hear about the Irish watchdog? It’s very vigilant. Every time there’s a suspicious noise his owner wakes it and it starts barking.
84
Ever notice that when the doorbell rings, the dog’s the first one to the door, but it’s never for him?
85
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster? Terrier-fied!
86
How do you catch a runaway dog? Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!
87
I bought a lap dog, but I had to get rid of it. Every time I sat on its lap it bit me.
88
If you think you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
89
Man 1: I’ve just got a new dog. Would you like to come and see him? Man 2: Does he bite? Man 1: Dunno. That’s why I want you to come round, to help me find out.
90
My neighbour was bitten by a rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn’t have to worry about a will. He said, ‘Will? What will? I’m making a list of the people I want to bite.’
91
One dog said to another: ‘What happened to me shouldn’t happen to a man.’
92
Outside of a dog, man’s best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it is very dark.
93
Phil: Why is your dog staring at me like that? Dave: Probably because that’s his bowl you’re eating from.
94
Teacher: This essay you wrote about a dog is a word-for-word copy of your brother’s. Pupil: That’s right. It’s the same dog.
95
Two men are talking about animals. One says to the other: ‘I know of a dog worth Ł10,000!’ ‘Really?’ replies the other. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save so much.’
96
Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside. ‘Are you here to see Dr Meyer?’ she asked. ‘Yes,’ the boy said. ‘I’m having my dog put in neutral.’
97
We’ve got a great watchdog. Last week it watched a burglar while he broke in and stole all our silver.
98
What did the cowboy say when he saw a bear eat Lassie? ‘Well, doggone!’
99
What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper? Rough.
100
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and a tail of steel? Sparky.
101
What do you do if your dog eats your pen? Use a pencil instead!
102
What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog? Dingo Starr!
103
What do you get if you cross a dog and a skunk? Rid of the dog!
104
What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole? A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree.
105
What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo? A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead!
106
What do you get if you cross a dog with a vegetable? A Jack Brussel.
107
What do you get if you cross a gun dog with a telephone? A golden receiver!
108
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler and a hyena? I don’t know but join in if it laughs.
109
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler with a Labrador? A dog that scares you then runs off with the toilet roll.
110
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog and a jelly? Colliewobbles.
111
What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk? A Great Dane out!
112
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard – it’s the best thing for a hot dog!
113
What dog loves to take bubble baths? A shampoodle.
114
What dog wears contact lenses? A cock-eyed spaniel!
115
What dogs are best for sending telegrams? Wire-haired terriers!
116
What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic? His bark was much worse than his bite!
117
What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table? He gets splinters in his mouth.
118
What has two legs and bleeds easily? Half a dog.
119
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
120
When is a black dog not a black dog? When it’s a greyhound!
121
When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house? When the door’s open!
122
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
123
Where does a Rottweiler sit in the cinema? Anywhere it wants to!
124
Which dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. Buildings can’t jump.
125
Who is a dog’s favourite comedian? Growlcho Marx.
126
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? He was trying to make both ends meet.
127
Why didn’t the Texan dog speak to his foot? Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw!
128
Why do dogs bury bones in the ground? Because you can’t bury them in trees!
129
Why do dogs run in circles? Because it’s hard to run in squares!
130
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘You’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’
131
A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.
132
Dear God, help me to be the person my dog thinks I am.
133
Dogma: A dog with puppies.
134
His dog’s called Camera as it’s always snapping.
135
I bought a gun dog, but he’s useless. He never hits the target.
136
Some dogs are pointers: mine’s a nudger. He’s too polite to point.
137
Sorry – my karma ran over your dogma.
138
There once was a dog named Tax. I opened the door and income Tax.
139
A man, a monkey, and a dog were washed up on a deserted island after being shipwrecked. The days and months passed, and they became resigned to their fate of being alone together for the rest of their lives. Their existence fell into a routine: they would collect firewood together, get water from the stream and go on trips to gather food. For relaxation they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. The evenings were perfect, the sky red and gold with beautiful clouds as the sun set, the breeze warm and gentle. As they sat there, night after night, the man was painfully aware of his loneliness. Eventually, he leaned over to the monkey and put his arm around its waist. The dog immediately became jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm away. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, when there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a bad state when they rescued her, and slowly they nursed her back to good health. When the young woman was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, golden sunset, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. The man tried to fight his surging emotions, but in the end he gave in. He leaned over to the young woman and whispered in her ear, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’
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