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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
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by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
60 Doctor, doctor... Jokes
Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains, well pull yourself together! The old ones are always the best and so are our doctor doctor jokes! If these aren't enough, why not check out our jokes on medicine or dentists!
1
‘Doctor, doctor, can I have second opinion?’ ‘Certainly. Come back tomorrow!’
2
‘Doctor, doctor, can you cure my sleepwalking?’ ‘Try these.’ ‘Are they sleeping pills?’ ‘No. They’re tin tacks. Sprinkle them on the floor.’
3
‘Doctor, doctor, everyone I meet thinks I’m a liar!’ ‘I’m sorry but I can’t believe that!’
4
‘Doctor, doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.’ ‘Next please!’
5
‘Doctor, doctor, have you got something for a headache?’ ‘Yes. Take this hammer and hit yourself on the head.’
6
‘Doctor, doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?’ ‘Stick your foot out and trip it up!’
7
‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t get to sleep.’ ‘Sit on the edge of the bed and you’ll soon drop off.’
8
‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t stop my hands shaking!’ ‘Do you drink a lot?’ ‘Of course not. I spill most of it!’
9
‘Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.’ ‘I’ll deal with you later!’
10
‘Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.’ ‘For goodness sake, pull yourself together.’
11
‘Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pig!’ ‘How long have you been feeling like this?’ ‘Oh, about a weeeeeeeeeeek!’
12
‘Doctor, doctor, I feel like a sheep.’ ‘Oh dear, that sounds baaaaaaaaaad!’
13
‘Doctor, doctor, I feel like a spoon!’ ‘Sit there and don’t stir!’
14
‘Doctor, doctor, I feel terrible!’ ‘What are the symptoms?’ ‘It’s a cartoon show with yellow people.’
15
‘Doctor, doctor, I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee.’ ‘Try taking the spoon out.’
16
‘Doctor, doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.’ ‘Don’t answer!’
17
‘Doctor, doctor, I have bananas growing out of both ears!’ ‘Good God! How did that happen?’ ‘What did you say?’
18
‘Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming about necrophilia, sadism and bestiality!’ ‘Forget it, you’re flogging a dead horse.’
19
‘Doctor, doctor, I keep feeling like I’m a packet of savoury biscuits!’ ‘Oh no. You’re crackers!’
20
‘Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing images of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck!’ ‘I see, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?’
21
‘Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.’ ‘Sit on the couch and we’ll talk about it.’ ‘I can’t, I’m not allowed on the couch!’
22
‘Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a vampire.’ ‘Necks please!’
23
‘Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m invisible.’ ‘Who the hell said that?’
24
‘Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there are two of me.’ ‘One at a time please.’
25
‘Doctor, doctor, I need something to keep my hair in.’ ‘Here’s a shoe box.’
26
‘Doctor, doctor, I snore so loudly I keep myself awake.’ ‘Have you tried sleeping in another room?’
27
‘Doctor, doctor, I think I need glasses.’ ‘You certainly do. This is a garage.’
28
‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a bridge.’ ‘What’s come over you?’ ‘Two cars, a truck, and a coach.’
29
‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a dog.’ ‘How long have you felt like this?’ ‘Ever since I was a puppy!’
30
‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a moth.’ ‘Get out of the way, you’re in my light!’
31
‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a python.’ ‘You can’t get round me just like that you know!’
32
‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m an enormous moth. Have you got anything to help me out?’ ‘Wait there, I’ll get a big glass and sheet of paper.’
33
‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m shrinking!’ ‘Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.’
34
‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m suffering from déjà vu!’ ‘Hang on! Didn’t I see you yesterday?’
35
‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into an apple.’ ‘We’ll have to get to the core of this!’
36
‘Doctor, doctor, I’m a kleptomaniac!’ ‘Take these pills and if that doesn’t work pick me up a DVD player.’
37
‘Doctor, doctor, I’m having trouble with my breathing.’ ‘Don’t worry. I’ll give you something that will put a stop to that!’
38
‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’ ‘How’s that?’ ‘Oh, don’t you start.’
39
‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a problem with my waterworks!’ ‘Have you seen a plumber?’
40
‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve got amnesia!’ ‘Go home and forget about it.’
41
‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve got something wrong with my eyes. I keep seeing an insect spinning round my head.’ ‘Don’t worry, that’s just a bug going round.’
42
‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve got terrible wind. What can you give me for it?’ ‘Have you tried a kite?’
43
‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday.’ ‘Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?’ ‘What do you mean “took them out of their shells”?’
44
‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’ ‘Well, don’t go there any more.’
45
‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve just swallowed a pen.’ ‘Well, sit down and write your name!’
46
‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve lost my memory!’ ‘When did this happen?’ ‘When did what happen?’
47
‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve swallowed a bone!’ ‘Are you choking?’ ‘No, I really did!’
48
‘Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this.’ ‘Then don’t do that!’
49
‘Doctor, doctor, my baby is the image of his father.’ ‘Never mind, just so long as he’s healthy.’
50
‘Doctor, doctor, my baby’s swallowed a bullet.’ ‘Well, don’t point him at anyone until I get there!’
51
‘Doctor, doctor, my sister thinks she’s a lift!’ ‘Tell her to come in.’ ‘I can’t, she doesn’t stop at this floor!’
52
‘Doctor, doctor, my son has swallowed my pen. What should I do?’ ‘Use a pencil till I get there!’
53
‘Doctor, doctor, some days I feel like a tepee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.’ ‘I think you’re two tents.’
54
‘Doctor, doctor, there’s a strawberry growing out the top of my head.’ ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on that.’
55
‘Doctor, doctor, these pills you gave me for BO are rubbish!’ ‘What’s wrong with them?’ ‘They keep slipping out of my armpits!’
56
‘Doctor, doctor, will this ointment you’ve given me clear up my spots?’ ‘You know me, I never make rash promises!’
57
‘Doctor, doctor, you have to help me out!’ ‘Certainly, which way did you come in?’
58
‘Doctor, doctor, you’ve taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don’t feel well.’ ‘That’s quite enough out of you!’
59
‘Doctor, doctor,’ says a patient. ‘I can’t stop singing, “The Green, Green Grass of Home”‘. ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome,’ says the doctor. ‘Is it common?’ asks the patient. The doctor replies, ‘It’s not unusual.’
60
Patient: ‘Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?’ Doctor: ‘Limp!’
61
Doctor, Doctor I"m having trouble with my breathing. I"ll give you something that will soon put a stop to that !
62
Man walks into a Doctors surgery and is about to sit down when a guy rushes in and beats him up and rushes out again. The man brushes himself off and says "I need help Doctor, I keep getting these sudden attacks."
63
A man saw his doctor about the green leaves protruding from his bottom. "Don"t worry about them, that"s just the tip of the iceberg".
64
Dumb blonde walks into Doctor"s surgery "Doctor doctor every time I think about sex I get this tingling between my big toes!"
65
The circus was in town and the fireating sword swallower went to the local Doctor complaining of constipation. "Just run me through a normal days eating" said the Doctor. "Well" replied the patient "for breakfast I have two red snooker balls, for lunch I have two reds, a blue and a white snooker ball, and for dinner I have three reds, one yellow and one brown snooker ball."
The Doctor thought for a moment or two and then smiled and said "I know what your problem is, you"re not eating enough greens!"
66
Chap goes to the Doctor and says" Doctor, it hurts when I lift my arm up". Doctor says "Don"t do it then".
67
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor"s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it"s like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin" it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
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