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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
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by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
35 Disability Jokes
1
A doctor is explaining the idea of sensory compensation to an intern. ‘If a man becomes blind his sense of hearing improves to compensate,’ says the doctor. ‘Yes, sir,’ says the intern. ‘And I’ve noticed that if one of a man’s legs is slightly short, then the other gets slightly longer.’
2
A man is about to tee off on a golf course when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns and finds a man standing behind him. The second man hands him a card, reading, ‘I am a deaf-mute. May I play through, please?’ The first man angrily gives the card back, and shouts, ‘No. You can’t play through! Your handicap gives you no such right!’ With this the first man whacks his ball on to the green and walks off to finish the hole. A few minutes later he’s just about to sink the putt when another ball hits him on the head knocking him out cold. When he comes round he finds the deafmute standing over him – holding up four fingers.
3
A man with one leg shorter than the other has a small son with a stutter. One day they’re walking down the road when the son says, ‘D-d-dad, w-w-why n-not t-t-try w-walking w-w-with one ff- foot in t-the g-g-g-gutter? T-t-that w-w-way p-p-p-people w-w-won’t n-n-notice y-your l-l-limp.’ ‘Good idea, son,’ says Dad and puts his long leg in the gutter so it matches his short leg. At this point he’s knocked over by a taxi. Later, in hospital, the little boy is by his father’s bedside. ‘Son,’ says Dad. ‘I think I know how we can fix that stutter of yours.’ ‘W-w-w-what’s t-t-that, d-d-dad?’ says the little boy. Dad replies, ‘You can keep your bloody mouth shut.’
4
A woman is talking with her neighbour. ‘Did you know the milkman has a glass eye?’ ‘No,’ replies the neighbour. ‘How did you discover that?’ ‘Oh,’ says the woman, ‘it just came out when we were chatting.’
5
A woman looking for a boyfriend takes out a personal ad in the paper. It reads ‘Wanted: a good lover who won’t run out on me’. A few days later her doorbell rings. She answers it and, lying on her doormat, is a man with no arms or legs. ‘I’m responding to your ad,’ he says. ‘You must be joking! You don’t have any arms or legs!’ says the woman. ‘I know,’ says the man. ‘But in your ad you said you wanted a man who wouldn’t run out on you.’ ‘Yes,’ agrees the woman. ‘But I also want a good lover.’ The man replies, ‘Well, how d’you think I rang the doorbell?’
6
Grandma finally figured out how to stop Grandpa chasing after other women – she let the air out of his wheelchair tyres.
7
Harry is looking for a new assistant at work, but wants to hire someone who is sensitive about his deformity – he has no ears. Three men apply for the job, and Harry arranges to meet them. He calls the first man into his office and interviews him. The applicant does very well, but then Harry asks him if notices anything unusual about his appearance. Rather than be tactful and say no, the man says, ‘Yes. You have no ears.’ Harry gets upset and throws the man out. The second man is called in and, again, the interview goes very well until Harry asks the same question. Again the man says ‘You have no ears.’ And Harry throws him out. The last man is invited in and the interview proceeds as before. Finally, Harry asks the question, ‘Do you notice anything unusual about my appearance?’ The man says, ‘Apart from the contact lenses, no.’ ‘That’s very observant,’ says Harry. ‘Not many people would notice I’m wearing contact lenses.’ ‘I didn’t,’ replies the man. ‘I saw an optician’s bill on your desk and figured you couldn’t wear glasses without any ears.’
8
I tried going to the Special Olympics but I couldn’t get a parking space anywhere near the place.
9
Quasimodo comes home and finds Esmeralda holding a wok and a laundry basket. ‘Great,’ says Quasimodo. ‘Are you cooking Chinese tonight?’ ‘No,’ says Esmerelda. ‘I’m ironing your shirt.’
10
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, meets with his accountant. The Godfather says to the accountant, ‘Where’s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?’ The accountant doesn’t answer. The Godfather pulls out a gun and says, ‘If you don’t tell me where it is I’ll shoot you in the head and splatter your brains against the wall!’ The attorney interrupts, ‘Sir, the man is a deafmute, but I can interpret for you.’ The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, ‘The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!’ ‘Well, what did he say?’ asks the Godfather. The attorney replies, ‘He says he doesn’t think you have the guts to pull the trigger.’
11
A blind man is at the optician’s with his guide dog. Both are facing the eye test chart on the wall. The optician takes the guide dog away, replaces it with another guide dog, and asks, ‘Is that better or worse?’
12
A blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog when it leads him smack into a post. Once he’s recovered, the blind man feels in his pocket and fetches out a treat to feed the dog. A passer-by remarks, ‘That’s marvellous. Even after he’s made a mistake like that you’re giving him a treat.’ ‘Not really,’ says the blind man. ‘I’m just trying to find which end’s which so I can kick him in the bollocks.’
13
A blind man walks into a store with his guide dog. He takes the dog’s leash and starts swinging the animal round his head. The storekeeper says, ‘May I help you, sir?’ The blind man replies, ‘No thanks. I’m just looking.’
14
A friend of Stevie Wonder buys him a cheese grater for Christmas. A few weeks later the friend meets up with Stevie and asks him what he thought of the present. ‘Man!’ replied Stevie. ‘That was the most violent book I’ve ever read!’
15
A teacher at a blind school is taking the soccer team to an away game. They stop for a roadside break and the team has an impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The bus driver comes over to the teacher and asks how he taught blind kids to play soccer. ‘We made a special ball for them with a bell in it,’ replies teacher. Just then a farmer comes along, ‘Hey!’ he shouts. ‘Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?’ ‘Yes,’ says teacher. ‘What about it? You got something against blind kids?’ ‘Not ordinarily,’ says the farmer. ‘But right now they’re kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!’
16
Heckle heard from a blind man in the audience: ‘Get off!…Has he gone yet?’
17
How can you tell when you have a serious acne problem? Blind people start reading your face.
18
How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach? It’s not hard.
19
How does a blind skydiver know if he’s approaching the ground? His dog’s lead goes slack.
20
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods get talking in a bar. Tiger is surprised to discover that Stevie can play golf. ‘How can you play golf blind?’ asks Tiger. Stevie says, ‘I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway. Then he calls to me and I play the ball towards the sound of his voice.’ ‘That’s fantastic,’ says Tiger. ‘So what’s your handicap?’ ‘Actually I’m a scratch golfer,’ says Stevie. ‘Incredible,’ says Tiger. ‘We ought to play a round sometime.’ ‘I’d like that,’ says Stevie. ‘But I should warn you I usually play for $10,000 a hole.’ ‘Suits me,’ says Tiger. ‘When do you want to play?’ ‘I’m easy,’ says Stevie. ‘Pick a night!’
21
The passengers on a jet watch in horror as the pilot and co-pilot walk up the boarding stairs – both are wearing dark glasses and carrying white sticks. There’s a buzz of conversation as the two men enter the cockpit. Surely they can’t be blind; it must be a joke. The engines fire-up and the aircraft starts taxiing down the runway. The passengers are extremely nervous. It must be practical joke – you can’t have blind pilots. The plane accelerates down the runway and the passengers watch in horror as the aircraft tears towards the fence at the end of the tarmac. Surely the pilots must see how close they are. Why don’t they take off? The plane gets faster and faster as they near the end of the runway. The passengers realise they’re not going to make it and start screaming. The nose of the plane lifts up and the plane takes off, missing the boundary fence by inches. The passengers breathe a sigh of relief. In the cockpit the blind pilot turns to the blind co-pilot and says, ‘Y’ know, one day they’re going to scream too late and we’re all going to die.’
22
Two men try to get into a restaurant but both have their dogs with them – a Labrador and a Chihuahua – and are refused entry by the doorman. The two men put on dark glasses and try again. ‘Can you let me have a table?’ asks the man with the Labrador. ‘I know I have a dog, but I’m blind and this is my guide dog.’ The man is let in, and the second man tries his luck. ‘Can you let me have a table for me and my guide dog?’ he asks. ‘That’s not a guide dog,’ says the doorman. ‘That’s a Chihuahua.’ ‘A Chihuahua!?’ shouts the man. ‘Those bastards gave me a Chihuahua?!’
23
What goes, ‘Click – is that it? Click – is that it? Click – is that it?’ A blind man with a Rubik’s cube.
24
What’s the name of Stevie Wonder’s favourite book? Around the Block in 80 Days.
25
Why are Stevie Wonder’s legs always wet? Because his dog is blind too.
26
Why don’t blind people skydive? It scares the dog.
27
A little boy is spending Christmas Eve at his grandma’s house. When he goes to bed he hangs up his stocking and shouts, ‘Dear Santa! Please send me a new bike!’ Grandma sticks her head round the door and says ‘Hush in there! Santa isn’t deaf!’ ‘I know,’ says the little boy. ‘But you are.’
28
An Asian marriage broker has been given the job of finding a bride for an impoverished middleaged groom. The broker warns the man’s parents that he’s not much of a catch so they’ll have to make do with whatever brides are available. However, when the girl is presented the man’s parents are appalled. ‘Look at her,’ whispers the father to the mother. ‘She has knock-knees, cross-eyes, a moustache, a huge wart, and buck teeth.’ ‘There’s no need to whisper,’ says the broker. ‘She’s deaf too.’
29
Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter.
30
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?
31
‘Please don’t stand up on my account.’ Bob Hope (to an audience of amputees)
32
‘The other day, I saw a man with wooden legs, and real feet.’ Steven Wright
33
A doctor visits a patient lying in a hospital ward. ‘I’m sorry,’ says the doctor, ‘but I have good news and bad news.’ ‘Don’t hold back,’ says the man. ‘Tell me the bad news.’ The doctor replies, ‘Your illness was worse than we thought. We had to amputate both your legs.’ The man asks, ‘So what’s the good news?’ The doctor replies, ‘The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers.’
34
A man working at a timber yard accidentally shears off his fingers. He runs to the emergency room, where the doctor says, ‘Give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do.’ The man replies, ‘I haven’t got the fingers.’ The doctor says, ‘What do you mean, you haven’t got the fingers? We could have done microsurgery. I could have put them back on. Why on earth didn’t you bring the fingers?’ The man replies, ‘I couldn’t pick them up.’
35
My doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
36
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
37
Two men, both deformed from birth, meet nightly in the pub to sip their half pints of bitter and bemoan their lot in life.
One is a hunchback, the other has a club foot.
One night, they leave the pub as normal and go their separate ways home, the guy with the club foot down the High Street and the hunchback takes his usual short cut through the churchyard.
As he approaches the back of the church, there is a pure white light, and before him in mid-air appears a vision of loveliness, all angelic, wings and trumpets and cherubs and stuff.
"I am the Archangel Gabriel." He/she/it announces, "And I have come to Earth to relieve suffering tonight. You have been Chosen. Name the suffering you wish relieved, and it shall be Done."
The hunchback has no doubts or hesitation as to what he wants. "I"d like to be rid of this hump."
"So be it." says Gabriel, and the hunchback stands straight and proud for the first time ever.
The next night in the pub, he"s absolutely unbearable, especially to his mate with the club foot.
They make it to closing time without coming to blows, just.
The former hunchback walks proudly home, whilst the by now rather miffed guy with the foot limps reluctantly down the High Street until the other fellow"s out of sight, when he turns around and heads sharpish for the churchyard.
He lurches slowly through the churchyard towards the back of the church, dragging his bad foot behind him, looking all around, and calling softly, "Gabriel, ... Oh Gabriel, where are you please Gabriel?."
Suddenly there is a pure white light, and before him in mid-air appears a vision of loveliness, all angelic, wings and trumpets and cherubs and stuff.
And Gabriel speaks to him,
"Have a hump!"
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