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Ho ho ho!
It’s that time of year again and what better way to impress people at the Christmas party, than to have some good Christmas jokes planned!
Make sure you check out our Christmas jokes including jokes about Snowmen
and Santa Claus
‘Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year.’ Victor Borge
One year Father Christmas is forced to have an official from the Aviation Authority check his sleigh to make sure it’s airworthy. The official checks out the sleigh on the ground then sits beside Father Christmas for a test flight. Suddenly Father Christmas notices the official has a revolver in his pocket. ‘What’s that for?’ he asks. ‘You’re not a hijacker are you?’ ‘No,’ replies the official. ‘But we have to see how you handle this craft when you lose an engine on take-off.’
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and the sleigh was broken. Santa was furious. ‘I can’t believe it!’ he yells. ‘I’ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours – all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don’t even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel to find one hours ago! What am I going to do?’ Just then, the little angel opens the front door and steps in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. ‘Oi fatty!’ she says. ‘Where d’you want me to stick this?’ And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
The four stages of life – You believe in Santa Claus – You don’t believe in Santa Claus – You become Santa Claus – You look like Santa Claus.
The year you stop believing in Santa Claus is the year you start getting clothes for Christmas.
What does Santa do with fat elves? He sends them to the Elf Farm.
What’s the most popular Christmas wine? ‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’
Why doesn’t Santa have any children? He only comes one a year, and that’s down the chimney.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why was Santa’s little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem.
A mafioso’s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…’ He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…’ He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother’s room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…’
Father Christmas wins a saucepan in a competition. Now that’s what you call pot luck!
How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer ‘Olive’? Yeah, you know, ‘Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.’
How does Tony Blair’s household keep Christmas politically correct? On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
Husband: A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until 24 December to do his Christmas shopping.
In a small southern town in Texas there was a nativity scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature stood out. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, a visitor decided to ask a local what it meant. At a shop on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage: ‘People these days never do read the Bible!’ The visitor assured her that he did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face she said, ‘See, it says right here, “The three wise man came from afar.”’
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, ‘How do these represent Christmas?’ Answer: ‘They’re Carol’s.’
What Christmas song is this: ABCDEFGHIJK MNOPQRSTUVWXYZ? No L!
What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet!
What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
What do you call a bunch of Grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claus!
What do you call a man who claps at Father Christmas? Santapplause!
What do you call Santa’s helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic.
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues!
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon Hood.
What does an electrician get for Christmas? Shorts.
What does Father Christmas call his money? Iced lolly!
What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? Santa caught in a revolving door!
What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already.
What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? Forty feet of track – all straight!
What’s a good Christmas tip? Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents? Santa Pause!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
Who sings ‘White Christmas’ and explodes? Bang Crosby.
Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E? Because the angel had said, ‘No L!’
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.
Why did the police arrest Santa? Because he was out all night sleighing.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it ‘soots’ him!
Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can hoe-hoe-hoe.
Why does Santa’s sled get such good mileage? Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Because every buck is dear to him.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf-esteem.
Be naughty – save Santa the trip.
Christmas Day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed.
Every time I see a fireplace, I think of Santa Claus and am ashamed.
Four words: ‘Off my lap, Tubby!’
Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of cigarettes.
Kid’s letter to North Pole comes back stamped, ‘Dream on.’
Santa Claus: The only man to be interested in an empty stocking.
Why does Christmas come when the shops are always so crowded?
two snowmen standing in a field,one says to the other
"here, do you smell carrots?"
what do elephants sing at christmas?