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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
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by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
90 Children Jokes
1
‘I married your mother because I wanted children – imagine my disappointment when you came along.’ Groucho Marx
2
‘I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that’s what he told us in the letter.’ Drew Carey
3
‘If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.’ Dick Cavett
4
‘Men name their children after themselves, women don’t. Have you ever met a Sally Junior?’ Rita Rudner
5
‘My mother loved children, she would have given anything if I’d been one.’ Groucho Marx
6
A four-year-old boy is asked to say grace before Christmas dinner. The boy thanks God for all his friends. Then he thanks God for Mummy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he begins to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the potatoes, the cranberry sauce, and the mince pies. There’s a pause and the little boy looks up at his mother, ‘Mummy, if I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?’
7
A little boy embarrasses his mother when they’re out by loudly asking if he can go for a pee. His mother tells him, ‘Don’t shout out like that. In future, if you want a pee just say “I want a whisper” and I’ll know what you mean.’ A few days later the boy goes into his parents’ bedroom and finds his dad having a nap. ‘What d’you want?’ asks Dad. ‘I want a whisper,’ says the little boy. ‘Okay,’ replies Dad. ‘Whisper in my ear.’
8
A little boy is raiding the freezer for ice-cream when his mother catches him. ‘Put that ice-cream back,’ she scolds. ‘Dinner is only an hour away.’ ‘But I’m bored,’ says the boy. ‘I’ve got no one to play with.’ ‘All right,’ says Mother. ‘I’ll play with you for a few minutes. What do you want to do?’ ‘I want to play Mummies and Daddies,’ says the boy. ‘But you have to sit in that chair and be mummy.’ Mother does so and says, ‘So now what? Are you going to be daddy?’ ‘Yes,’ says the boy. He takes a deep breath and shouts, ‘Now get off your fat arse, you lazy cow, and bring me some ice-cream!’
9
A little boy starts handing out sweets in the playground. ‘What’s the occasion?’ asks one of his friends. ‘Is it your birthday?’ ‘No,’ says the boy. ‘Last night I became a brother.’
10
A little girl goes to her local library to take out a book called Advice for Young Mothers. ‘Why do you want a book like that?’ says the librarian. The little girl replies, ‘Because I collect moths.’
11
A little girl is pounding away on her father’s word processor. She tells him she’s writing a story. ‘What’s it about?’ asks Dad. ‘I don’t know,’ she replies. ‘I can’t read.’
12
A little girl runs up to her mother and asks, ‘Mummy, where do babies come from?’ ‘The stork, dear,’ replies her mother. ‘Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?’ asks the girl. ‘The police, dear,’ answers the mother. ‘Mummy,’ says the girl, ‘if our house was on fire, who would save us?’ ‘The fire department,’ answers the mother. ‘Mummy, where does food come from?’ asks the girl. ‘Farmers, dear,’ says the mother. ‘Mummy,’ says the girl, ‘what do we need Daddy for?’
13
A man comes home from the pub pushing a baby carriage. ‘You idiot!’ shouts his wife, ‘that’s not our baby!’ ‘I know,’ says the husband, ‘but it’s a nicer pram.’
14
A mother is getting ready to go out with her small son. ‘Where are you going?’ asks the boy’s father. ‘I’m taking Billy to the zoo,’ says Mum. ‘Lazy buggers,’ says the father. ‘If they want him tell them they can pick him up themselves.’
15
A mother is putting her small son to bed in the middle of a thunderstorm. ‘Mummy, can I sleep with you tonight?’ asks the nervous boy. ‘I’m sorry, darling,’ says Mother. ‘But I have to sleep with Daddy tonight.’ ‘What?’ replies the boy. ‘Tell the big coward not to be such a baby!'
16
A salesman rings on the doorbell of a house. The door is answered by a young boy smoking a cigar, holding a glass of brandy, with a copy of Playboy tucked under his arm. ‘Say, sonny,’ says the salesman. ‘Is your mother at home?’ The boy taps the ash off his cigar and says, ‘What the hell do you think?’
17
A salesman sees a young boy siting on a porch and says, ‘Hi there, sonny. Is your mummy at home?’ ‘She sure is,’ replies the boy. The salesman rings on the bell, then again, and again, but with no answer. He turns to the boy and says, ‘Hey, I thought you said your mummy was at home.’ ‘She is,’ replies the boy. ‘But I don’t live here.’
18
A six-year-old boy and his friends are looking at his family picture album. When he gets to his parents’ wedding portraits he says, ‘And this is the day that Mummy came to work for us.’
19
A small boy gets separated from his father at the funfair and asks a policeman to help find him. The policeman tries to get a description. ‘What’s your father like?’ he asks. ‘Beer and women,’ replies the boy.
20
A small boy is talking with his granddad. ‘Why does it rain?’ he asks. Granddad replies, ‘To make the plants grow.’ The boy looks puzzled and says, ‘So why does it rain on the pavement?’
21
A Sunday school teacher asks her pupils where God lives. A small girl sticks up her hand and says, ‘Miss. God lives in our bathroom.’ ‘In your bathroom?’ says the teacher. ‘Why do you think he’s in there?’ The girl replies, ‘Because every morning my daddy bangs on the bathroom door and shouts, “God, are you still in there?”’
22
A wife tells her husband to go and change their son – two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
23
A woman gets on a bus with three sets of twins. ‘Blimey,’ says the driver. ‘Do you always have twins?’ ‘No,’ says the woman. ‘The first two or three hundred times we didn’t get anything at all.’
24
A woman sees a small boy leaning against a wall smoking a cigarette and taking nips from a hip flask. ‘Shouldn’t you be at school?’ says the woman. ‘School?’ says the boy. ‘You’ve got to be joking. I’m only four.’
25
A Yorkshire couple have five children: Harry, Richard, Sally, Jane and Ho Yung. Ho Yung is an unusual name for a Yorkshireman but the couple read that every fifth baby born in the world is Chinese.
26
Children brighten a home – they never turn the lights off.
27
Dad brings a business associate home for dinner. The family assemble at the table and Mum starts serving a roast. ‘This is just ordinary roast lamb!’ complains the young son. ‘Yes,’ says his mother. ‘But you said you liked lamb.’ ‘I do,’ says the boy, ‘but Dad said he was bringing an idiot home for dinner.’
28
Daddy comes home with a big bag of sweets and says to the kids, ‘I’m going to give these to the person who never answers Mummy back and always does what they’re told. Now who’s going to get them?’ And the kids reply, ‘You are.’
29
Every parent is always going on about how their baby is the most marvellous special baby in the world. It clearly can’t be true – it’s my baby who is the most marvellous special baby in the world.
30
Good: You give the ‘birds and the bees’ talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
31
Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He’s having an affair with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
32
Groucho Marx, to Mrs Story, a quiz show contestant, ‘How many children do you have?’ Mrs Story, ‘Nineteen.’ Groucho, ‘Nineteen! Why do you have so many children? It must be a terrible responsibility and a burden.’ Mrs Story, ‘Well, because I love my children and I think that’s our purpose here on Earth, and I love my husband.’ Groucho, ‘I love my cigar, too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!’
33
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
34
I wouldn’t say my mother was ashamed of me, but she used to go to parents’ evenings under an assumed name.
35
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
36
Insanity is hereditary. You can get it from your children.
37
Jane is carrying her new baby son down the street when Mary comes over to take a look. ‘How lovely!’ she exclaims. ‘He looks just like his father.’ ‘Yes,’ says Jane. ‘But it’s a pity he doesn’t look more like my husband.’
38
Little girl to mother: ‘Mummy, how soon is Christmas?’ Mother: ‘Not long. Why do you ask?’ Girl: ‘I was wondering if it was near enough for me to start being good.’
39
Little Johnny comes home and says, ‘I’m glad you decided to call me Johnny.’ ‘Why’s that?’ asks his mother. Johnny replies, ‘Because that’s what all the other kids call me.’
40
Little Johnny comes running into the house and says, ‘Mummy, can little girls have babies?’ ‘No,’ says his mum, ‘of course not.’ Little Johnny runs back outside and yells, ‘It’s okay, we can play that game again!’
41
Little Johnny goes to his mother and says, ‘Mummy, tomorrow I have an oral exam. One question the teacher will ask me is “who made you?” What should I say?’ ‘Say God made you,’ replies his mother. Next day Little Johnny is asked the question but forgets what his mother said. He explains, ‘Teacher, until yesterday I was sure it was my father who made me. But then mother said it was someone else – and now I can’t remember the guy’s name.’
42
Little Johnny is talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each is bragging about how fast their fathers are. The first one says, ‘My father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, start to run, and get to the target before it hits!’ The second one says, ‘You think that’s fast? My father’s a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!’ Johnny says, ‘You two know nothing about fast. My father’s a civil servant. He stops working at five and he’s home by four-thirty!’
43
Little Johnny shouts, ‘Mummy! Mummy! Do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that’s been handed down from generation to generation?’ ‘Yes,’ says his mother. ‘What about it?’ Johnny replies, ‘Well the last generation just dropped it.’
44
No matter how much you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
45
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings comes all manner of things. Usually puke.
46
Some schoolchildren have been told to write about a recent exciting event. A small boy is selected to read out his composition. ‘Daddy fell in the well last week…’ he begins. ‘Gracious,’ said his teacher. ‘Is he all right now?’ ‘He must be,’ replies the boy. ‘He stopped yelling for help yesterday.’
47
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘Shuttup’.
48
Why was the new baby just like Daddy? It was bald, sleepy and uneducated.
49
‘Why did you kick your brother in the stomach?’ ‘Because he turned around.’
50
A child is growing up when it stops asking where it came from and refuses to tell you where it’s going.
51
A little girl asked her mother, ‘Can I go outside and play with the boys?’ Her mother replied, ‘No, they’re too rough.’ The little girl thought for a moment and asked, ‘If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?’
52
A man called his kids together, held up a toy and asked them who should get it. ‘Who never talks back to Mother and does everything she says?’ Three small voices answered in unison. ‘OK, Dad, you can have it.’
53
A man was laying a new concrete path. No sooner was his back turned than a crowd of children came running by, leaving unsightly footmarks all over the hardening surface. The man started to swear. A neighbour who heard him said to him, ‘I’m surprised, Sam. You told me you liked kids.’ ‘I like them – in the abstract, but not in the concrete.’
54
A man was walking through the park pushing his son in a buggy. The child was crying at the top of his voice and try as he might, his father could not calm him down. On the verge of despair he said, ‘Calm down, Billy, it’ll eventually be OK.’ A woman passing stopped to remark, ‘How nicely you treat Billy. You are such a sweet man. It’s very obvious that you love your son very much.’ The startled man replied, ‘Madam, I am Billy.’
55
A seven-year-old girl admitted calmly to her parents that a boy had kissed her after class. ‘How did that happen?’ gasped her mother. ‘It wasn’t easy,’ admitted the child. ‘Three girls had to help me catch him!’
56
A woman had five children. One day she was talking to a friend about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. In fact, she told her friend, she had mellowed a lot over the years. ‘When my oldest coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance for her. When my youngest swallowed a coin, I just told him it was coming out of his pocket money.’
57
After tucking their three-year-old son in bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from his ear. The little boy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, ‘Do it again, Dad!’
58
An adolescent is someone who acts like a baby when they aren’t treated like an adult.
59
At the age of four, I was left an orphan. I ask you: what could I do with an orphan?
60
Did you hear about the contortionist who married a fortune teller? They had a child who could foresee its own end.
61
Did you hear about the two kids arrested yesterday? One was drinking battery acid, the other eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
62
Fred came home from his first day at school. ‘Nothing exciting happened,’ he told his mother, ‘except the teacher didn’t know how to spell cat so I told her.’
63
How did the boy feel after being caned? Absolutely whacked!
64
I’m not saying he’s a difficult boy, but since he was eight his parents have been pleading with him to run away from home.
65
In infant class, the teacher explained the difference between a watch and a clock. She told the students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch. A few days later, there was a power outage, and the classroom clocks had not been reset. The teacher asked Peter, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time. Peter looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, ‘It is exactly ten o’watch.’
66
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents. It’s how he found out.
67
Little Johnny went to the police claiming he was constantly beaten by his parents. Social Services looked into it and found the whole family had abuse problems going back generations. The judge didn’t know what to do! Finally, he found the perfect solution. He gave Johnny to Tottenham Hotspur. They never beat anyone.
68
Most children eat spinach so they’ll grow up big and strong enough to refuse it.
69
My parents put us to sleep by tossing us in the air. Of course, you have to have low ceilings for this method to work.
70
One thing you can say about kids – they don’t go around showing you snapshots of their grandparents.
71
Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.
72
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of their tyres.
73
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or tell your kids not to do it.
74
What do Mr Razzi’s children call him? Papa Razzi.
75
What stories do the ship captain’s children like to hear? Ferry tales!
76
Why did the little boy put lipstick on his head? He wanted to make up his mind!
77
Children certainly brighten up a home – they never turn off the lights.
78
Children should be seen and not had.
79
Eve to Adam: ‘What do you mean the kids don’t look like you?’
80
He’s at that awkward age: too old to cry, too young to swear.
81
I was the sort of child my mother warned me not to play with.
82
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
83
Learn from my parents’ mistake. Don’t have kids!
84
My kids have a pet name for me: Bias. Buy us this, buy us that.
85
The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
86
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
87
To stop your children being spoiled, keep them in the fridge.
88
Today’s children would be less spoiled if we could spank parents.
89
We have enough youth: how about a fountain of ‘smart’?
90
You can’t scare me, I have children.
91
what would you call "Postman Pat" when he retires "Pat"
92
There are rwo teedy bears sitting in the airing cupboard, which one is in the army?
The one sitting on the tank!
93
knock knock,whos there,doctor,doctor who.
94
Where do you go to weigh a whale?
A whale-weigh station!!
95
What do you call a sleeping Bull?
A Buldozer!
96
Little Boy to Grandad.
"Grandad will you pretend to be a frog"?
Grandad "I"m busy cutting the lawn I haven"t time to play at being a frog. Go away and ask someone else to play with you".
Little Girl to Grandad.
"Grandad will you please pretend to be a frog"?
Grandad to little girl.
"I"m digging the garden I havn"t got to play, anyway what"s all this about being a frog I"ve just had your brother wanting me to be a frog?
Little Girl
"Well Grandad, Grandma said that when you"ve Croaked she"s gonna take us to Disneyland".
97
What"s the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can"t "tune" - a fish!!!
98
Man to son: Have I told you about the Birds and Bees
Son: No but I don"t want to hear it.
Dad: Why
Son: When I was seven you told me that there was no Easter Bunny. When I was eight you told me that Father Christmas didn"t exist. I don"t want to know any more or I"ll have nothing to live for!
99
It"s been little Billy"s first day at "Big" school and Mummy has impressed upon him that he must no longer use "Baby" words. No more "Choo Choo" or "Gee Gee" but Train and Horse.
On the way home she asks himm about his day and Billy says "It was good, we did sums and teacher told us a story and then she asked us what our favourite story was and I told her "my favourite story is "Winnie The Shit"".
100
what flower grows on your face?
tulips
(two lips!)
101
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren"t for me. They are for my brother he"s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. "
102
I was never popular as a child, I had an imaginary friend, but he ran away.
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