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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
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by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
183 Blondes Jokes
A blonde is crossing the road, How many blonds, Did you hear about the blonde…, we have some of the best blonde jokes out there so make sure you don’t miss this section!
1
A blonde and brunette are watching an evening news story about a man about to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ‘I bet you Ł50 the man is going to jump.’ The blonde accepts the bet and, sure enough, the man jumps. The blonde gives the brunette Ł50. ‘I can’t accept your money,’ says the brunette, ‘I watched the midday news and saw the man jump then.’ ‘I watched the midday news too,’ replies the blonde, ‘I didn’t think he’d do it twice in one day.’
2
A blonde comes home to find her husband in bed with a redhead. She grabs a gun and holds it to her own head. The husband begs her not to shoot herself. The blonde shouts at her husband, ‘Shut up! You’re next!’
3
A blonde decides to kidnap a small boy and hold him for ransom. Having grabbed her victim from the playground she writes a note saying, ‘I’ve kidnapped your boy. Tomorrow morning put Ł10,000 in a bag and leave it by the statue in the town square. Signed, A Blonde.’ The blonde then pins the note to the boy’s shirt and sends him home. The next morning the blonde checks the statue and finds the boy standing there with a bagful of money. The boy hands the blonde a note, it reads, ‘How could you do this to a fellow blonde?’
4
A blonde girl runs home from school. ‘Mummy, Mummy!’ she yells. ‘We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to six. See. One, two, three, four, five, six!’ ‘Very good,’ says her mother. ‘Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?’ asks the girl. ‘Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,’ replies her mother. The next day, the girl runs home from school. ‘Mummy, Mummy!’ she yells. ‘We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See. A, B, C, D, E, F, G!’ ‘That’s very good,’ says her mother. ‘Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?’ asks the girl. ‘Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde,’ replies her mother. Next day the girl runs home from school. ‘Mummy, Mummy!’ she yells. ‘We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!’ With this the blonde girl lifts up her T-shirt to reveal a pair of 38Cs. ‘That’s very good,’ says her mother. ‘Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?’ asks the girl. ‘No,’ says her mother, ‘it’s because you’re 25.’
5
A blonde goes to the hospital to give blood and is asked what type she is. She tells them she’s an outgoing cat-lover.
6
A blonde has her hair dyed brown. A few days later she’s out driving through the countryside when she stops her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she says to the shepherd, ‘If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?’ The shepherd agrees, so the blonde thinks for a moment and says, ‘352.’ The shepherd is amazed, ‘You’re right! Which sheep do you want?’ The blonde picks the cutest animal. The shepherd says to her, ‘Okay. How’s this for a bet? If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?’
7
A blonde in a bar is hunched over her martini spearing at the olive with a cocktail stick. A dozen times the olive eludes her until a man sitting next to her grabs the stick and skewers it for her. ‘That’s the way to do it,’ he says. ‘Big deal,’ replies the blonde. ‘You’d never have got it unless I’d tired it out first.’
8
A blonde is at a soda vending machine in a casino. She sticks a quarter in, pushes the button, and catches the can when it pops out. Then she puts another quarter in and does the same, then again, and again, and again. Eventually the casino manager comes over and says, ‘Hey, you must be really thirsty.’ ‘Not really,’ replies the blonde, ‘but I don’t want to stop while I’m winning.’
9
A blonde is crossing the road when she gets hit by a car. The driver rushes over to see if she’s all right. ‘Are you okay?’ he asks. ‘I can’t see straight,’ says the blonde. ‘Everything is a blur.’ Concerned, the driver leans over her and says, ‘How many fingers have I got up?’ ‘God no!’ she screams. ‘Don’t tell me I’m paralysed from the waist down as well!’
10
A blonde keeps checking her mail box. A neighbour notices her repeated trips to the kerb and asks if she’s waiting for a special delivery. ‘No,’ she replies. ‘But my computer keeps telling me I have mail.’
11
A blonde on holiday in Louisiana tries to buy some alligator shoes. She goes into a shoe shop and finds a nice pair but is not prepared to pay their high price. Determined to get some she decides to catch an alligator herself and takes a club into the swamp. Curious, the owner of the shoe shop follows her and eventually tracks her down by a lake. On the lakeside is a large pile of dead alligators and the shop owner watches as the blonde beats another one to death in the water. Eventually she kills the ’gator and drags it on-shore. She looks at its feet and says, ‘Damn, this one isn’t wearing shoes either!’
12
A blonde sees a sign reading, ‘Press bell for night watchman’. She does so, and after a few seconds she hears the watchman clomping down the stairs. He then proceeds to unlock first one gate, then another, then shut down the alarm system, and finally makes his way through the revolving door. ‘Well,’ he says. ‘What do you want?’ The blonde replies, ‘I just wanted to know why you can’t ring the bell yourself?’
13
A blonde stops at a petrol station but when she gets out she realises she’s locked her keys in the car. The blonde goes inside and asks the manager for a wire coat hanger so she can try to pop the door. The manager gives her a hanger and the blonde takes it outside. Ten minutes later the manager goes out to see how the blonde is doing. He finds the blonde crouched by the door jiggling the hanger through a crack in the driver’s window, while her blonde friend in the passenger seat is saying, ‘A little more to the left. A little more to the right…’
14
A blonde walks into a doctor’s office. ‘Doc, I hurt all over,’ complains the blonde. She touches herself on her leg and winces. ‘Ouch! I hurt there!’ She touches her earlobe. ‘Ouch! I hurt there too!’ She touches her hair. ‘Ouch! Even my hair hurts!’ The doctor says, ‘You’ve got a broken finger…’
15
A blonde wanders into a library and says, ‘Can I have a burger and fries?’ The librarian says, ‘I’m sorry, but this is a library.’ The blonde whispers, ‘Can I have a burger and fries?’
16
A blonde was on her way to Disneyland, but she went home when she saw a sign saying ‘Disneyland Left’.
17
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go on holiday to a tropical island. The brunette takes a beach umbrella, the redhead takes a crate of suntan oil, and the blonde takes a car door. ‘What are you doing with a car door?’ asks the redhead. The blonde replies, ‘If it gets too hot, we can roll the window down.’
18
A brunette and her blonde sister inherit a farm. One day the brunette travels to a big agricultural show to buy a bull and quickly finds one she likes. Unfortunately, the owner of the bull cannot deliver the animal and the brunette didn’t bring the animal trailer. The phone isn’t working so she goes to the local telegraph office to send a message telling her sister to drive over with the animal trailer. However, the telegraph office charges one dollar a word and the brunette finds she only has a single dollar on her. The brunette thinks for a moment then says, ‘Send the message “comfortable”’. ‘Just “comfortable”?’ says the telegraph operator. ‘How’s that going to tell your sister to hitch a trailer to her car and pick up a bull?’ ‘She’s blonde,’ replies the sister. ‘She’ll read it slowly.’
19
A pregnant blonde walks into a doctor’s office to have an ultrasound. The doctor tells her that she is going to have a little girl. He then asks her what she’ll name the baby. ‘Helen,’ says the blonde. ‘I have five other daughters, and I named them all Helen.’ ‘Isn’t that a little confusing?’ says the doctor. ‘What happens if they’re all upstairs and you want to call one of them down?’ ‘That’s easy,’ replies the blonde. ‘I’d just call them by their last name.’
20
A redhead, a blonde and a brunette escape from jail and hide in a barn. The police close in so the three women each hide in a sack. The police search the barn and, to check each sack, a police officer kicks them as he walks past. The officer kicks the redhead’s sack, and the redhead says, ‘Meow!’ The officer kicks the brunette’s sack, and the brunette says, ‘Woof, woof.’ The officer kicks the blonde’s sack, and the blonde shouts, ‘Potatoes!’
21
A ventriloquist is telling blonde jokes in a bar when one of his audience, a young blonde lady, stands up and complains. ‘I’ve heard just about enough of your lousy blonde jokes!’ she shouts. ‘What makes you think you can stereotype women this way? What does a person’s hair colour have to do with their worth as a human being?’ The ventriloquist is very embarrassed and starts to apologise. The blonde interrupts, ‘Stay out of it, mister! I’m talking to the little bastard on your knee!’
22
Did you hear about the blonde who sold her car to get some money for petrol?
23
Did you hear about the blonde who thought Doris Day was a national holiday?
24
Did you hear about the blonde who was treated in the emergency room for concussion and severe head wounds? She’d tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungee cord.
25
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a library and checked out a book called How to Hug? She got it home and found it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia.
26
Four exuberant blondes come into a bar and order champagne. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin chanting, ‘51 days, 51 days, 51 days!’ Three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, ‘51 days, 51 days, 51 days!’ Two more blondes show up and join in as well, ‘51 days, 51 days, 51 days!’ Finally, a tenth blonde comes in holding a picture. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and everyone starts dancing around it chanting, ‘51 days, 51 days, 51 days!’ The bartender walks over to the table and sees that the picture is a framed children’s jigsaw puzzle. The bartender says to one of the blondes, ‘What’s all the fuss about?’ The blonde replies, ‘Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb. So we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together!’
27
How can you tell if a blonde sends you a fax? It has a stamp on it.
28
How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer? There’s whiteout on the screen. How can you tell if two blondes have been using the computer? There’s writing on the whiteout.
29
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
30
How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for chips.
31
How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her.
32
How do blonde brain cells die? Alone!
33
How do blondes pierce their ears? They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
34
How do you change a blonde’s mind? Blow in her ear.
35
How do you confuse a blonde? You don’t, they’re born that way!
36
How do you describe a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots? Flattered.
37
How do you determine a blonde’s IQ? With a tyre gauge.
38
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch ’n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
39
How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she’s pregnant.
40
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave to her.
41
How do you keep a blonde busy all day? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
42
How do you keep a blonde busy all day? Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.
43
How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday morning? Tell her a joke on Friday night.
44
How do you make a blonde’s eyes sparkle? Shine a torch into her ear.
45
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
46
How does a blonde commit suicide? She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
47
How does a blonde spell ‘farm’? E-I-E-I-O.
48
How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? Two. One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!
49
How many blondes does it take to play hide and seek? One.
50
If you drop a blonde and a brunette 100ft, which hits the ground first? The brunette. The blonde has to ask directions on the way down.
51
A blonde comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts. ‘How can I get to the other side?’ The other blonde looks around then shouts back, ‘You are on the other side!’
52
Most men regard blondes as a golden opportunity.
53
On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approaches a blonde sitting in first class and asks her to move to economy since she doesn’t have a first-class ticket. The blonde replies, ‘I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.’ The flight attendant asks the co-pilot to speak with her but again the blonde replies, ‘I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.’ The co-pilot asks the captain what should he do. The captain says, ‘I’m married to a blonde. I know how to handle this.’ He goes and whispers in the blonde’s ear and she immediately jumps up and runs to the economy section. ‘What did you say?’ asks the flight attendant. The captain replies, ‘I told her the first-class section wasn’t going to New York.’
54
One day a blonde takes up ice fishing. She gets to the pond and starts to cut a hole in the ice, when she hears a loud disembodied voice say, ‘There’s no fish there…!’ Puzzled, the blonde picks up her ice saw and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice say, ‘There’s no fish there…!’ The blonde moves another ten feet and begins to cut another ice hole. ‘There’s no fish there…!’ says the voice. The blonde looks up and says ‘ Are you God?’ ‘No!’ replies the voice. ‘I’m the manager of the ice rink!’
55
Ten blondes and a brunette are on a rock-climbing expedition when some grappling hooks give way leaving them all clinging to one rope. To prevent any more hooks falling out they all agree that someone has to let go of the rope to reduce the weight. For an agonising moment no one volunteers, then the brunette gives a rousing speech saying she will sacrifice herself to save the others – and all the blondes applaud.
56
Two brunettes and a blonde work in the same office with the same female boss. They notice the boss always leaves work early so one day they decide to leave straight after she does. The two brunettes go for coffee, but the blonde decides to go home and surprise her husband. When she reaches her house she sneaks inside and hears noises from the bedroom. Peering in through the bedroom door the blonde sees her boss in bed with her husband. Horrified she creeps away. Next day in the office the brunettes suggest leaving early again. ‘No way,’ says the blonde. ‘Yesterday I almost got caught!’
57
What are the six worst years in a blonde’s life? Third grade.
58
What can save a dying blonde? Hair transplants.
59
What did the blonde get on her IQ test? Saliva.
60
What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? She said they were pretty good, but might offend some Puerto Ricans.
61
What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? ‘It’s okay, Daddy, I’m not hurt.’
62
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? ‘Oh look! Doughnut seeds!’
63
What did the blonde say when someone blew in her bra? ‘Thanks for the refill.’
64
What did the blonde’s holiday postcard say? ‘Having a wonderful time. Where am I?’
65
What do bleached blondes and jumbo jets have in common? Black boxes.
66
What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? Last year’s hide and seek champ.
67
What do you call a blonde with a brain? A golden retriever.
68
What do you call ten blondes at the bottom of the pool? Air pockets.
69
What do you do if a blonde throws a hand grenade at you? Pull out the pin and throw it back.
70
What do you see when you look into a blonde’s eyes? The back of her head.
71
What job did the blonde have at the M&M factory? Proofreading.
72
What’s blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette…? A blonde doing cartwheels.
73
What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
74
What’s it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear? Data transfer.
75
What’s the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal? The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
76
What’s the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde? There have been sightings of Bigfoot.
77
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
78
Why are blondes only allowed a thirty-minute lunch break? If they took an hour it would take too long to retrain them.
79
Why are there so few blonde pharmacists? They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!
80
Why can’t blondes make ice cubes? They forget the recipe.
81
Why can’t blondes put in light bulbs? They keep breaking them with the hammers.
82
Why did the blonde ask for some burned-out light bulbs? She needed them for her darkroom.
83
Why did the blonde have square boobs? She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
84
Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
85
Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache.
86
Why did the blonde roast a chicken for three and a half days? The instructions said ‘cook it for half an hour per pound’, and she weighed 125.
87
Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed? She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
88
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
89
Why did the blonde throw breadcrumbs in the toilet? To feed the toilet duck!
90
Why do blondes clean their hair in the sink? Because that’s where your supposed to wash vegetables.
91
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? Tits go in front.
92
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
93
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicapped spaces.
94
Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It’s not very bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.
95
How does a blonde answer the question, ‘Are you sexually active?’ ‘No, I just lie there.’
96
How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door.
97
What did the blonde’s right leg say to her left leg? Nothing, they’ve never met!
98
What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men? Their knees.
99
What does a blonde say after having sex? What team do you guys play for?
100
What does a blonde use for protection during sex? A bus shelter.
101
What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747? Not everyone’s been in a 747.
102
What’s the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? They know how many men went down on the Titanic.
103
What’s the difference between butter and a blonde? Butter is difficult to spread.
104
What’s the mating call of the blonde? ‘I’m sooo drunk.’ What’s the mating call of the ugly blonde? ‘I said, I’m sooo drunk!!!’
105
What’s the quickest way to get into a blonde’s pants? Pick them up off the floor.
106
Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores? Open 24 hours a day.
107
Why can’t blondes pass their driving tests first time? Whenever the car stops, they hop in the back seat.
108
Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof? More leg-room!
109
Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? Because they have blond boyfriends.
110
Why do blondes have more fun? They’re easier to find in the dark.
111
Why do blondes like tilt steering? More headroom.
112
Why do blondes wear hoop earrings? So they have a place to rest their ankles.
113
Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
114
A blonde and a redhead are watching the late news. The redhead bets the blonde Ł50 that the man in the lead story, who is on the ledge of a 40-storey building, will jump. ‘I’ll take that bet,’ the blonde replied. A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the Ł50. ‘No, a bet’s a bet,’ the blonde replies. ‘I owe you Ł50.’ The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies, ‘No, you don’t understand. I saw the six o’clock news, so I knew how it was going to turn out.’ ‘That’s OK,’ the blonde replies. ‘I saw it earlier too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.’
115
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed one morning when the phone rings. Quick on the draw, the blonde picks up the phone and listens for a moment, then says, ‘Well, how the heck should I know, that’s like 300 miles from here!’ and slams the phone down. The next morning the same happens. Her reply is, ‘Like I told you the day before yesterday, I’m not a meteorologist!’ and slams the phone down. She comes back to bed and says to her husband: ‘I’m getting sick and tired of that woman calling me every morning to ask if the coast is clear.’
116
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has never done it before. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Dave, who works at Tesco, sees her and unplugs the horse.
117
A blonde going to New York on a plane. How can you steal her window seat? Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
118
A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order. ‘Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?’ the blonde asked. The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, ‘Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.’ ‘Oh good!’ the blonde sighed in relief. ‘Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.’
119
A blonde is in a car accident and her car is covered in dents. She visits a car repair garage and asks the man how much it would cost to knock them out. It’s too expensive for her. ‘I do have a solution for you that you can do yourself,’ says the mechanic. ‘Oh yeah,’ says the blonde, ‘what’s that?’ ‘You put your mouth over the exhaust pipe and blow really hard. The dents just pop right out.’ The blonde went home and tried, but it didn’t work. She went to her blonde friend and told her about this. She replied, ‘Well of course THAT won’t work – you have to roll up the windows first!’
120
A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a man who asks, ‘Where did you get that?’ The pig says, ‘I won her in a raffle!’
121
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again. She did this five more times, and her neighbour, who was watching her, commented: ‘You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box.’ The blonde answered, ‘No, I’m working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail.’
122
A blonde walks into a barber’s with headphones on. She tells the barber what cut she wants, but that he has to cut around her headphones. The barber looks a little puzzled but agrees. So, he starts cutting the best he can but accidentally he knocks the headphones off. Within a few seconds the girl dies. Very startled, the man picks up the headphones and hears, ‘Breathe in, breathe out.’
123
A blonde was at the doctor for a check-up, and the doctor said, ‘You’re getting older, so I need to ask this: Have you ever been incontinent?’ The blonde said, ‘Yes. I’ve been to Europe twice.’
124
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline shouted, ‘12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed’. She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, ‘How many is a Brazilian?’
125
A blonde was visiting London for the first time and wanted to see Big Ben. Unfortunately, she was having trouble finding it. Finally she saw a police officer and asked him for directions. ‘Well, if you wait at that bus stop right there and get on bus 54, it will take you right there,’ explained the officer. ‘Thank you,’ she cooed, and walked to the bus stop. Five hours later, the police officer was driving by again, and sure enough, the blonde was still standing at the bus stop. The officer stopped and said, ‘Excuse me, miss, but I told you that to get to Big Ben, you take the number 54, and it will take you right there. What are you still doing here?’ ‘Oh, don’t worry, officer,’ she replied. ‘It won’t be long now. The 47th bus just went by.’
126
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s licence. She dug through her handbag and was getting progressively more agitated. ‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’ The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ‘OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.’
127
A girl was visiting her blonde girlfriend when she noticed two dogs. ‘What are their names?’ she said. ‘Timex and Rolex,’ said the blonde. Her friend said, ‘I’ve never heard of those names for dogs.’ ‘Oh,’ said the blonde, ‘they’re watch dogs.’
128
Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theatre? They went to see ‘Closed For The Winter’.
129
Did you hear about the blonde skydiver? She missed the earth!
130
Did you hear about the blonde who got a scarf for Christmas? She returned it – it was too tight.
131
Did you hear about the blonde who was worried that a mechanic might try to rip her off? She was relieved when he told her all she needed was indicatorsignal fluid.
132
Did you hear about the blonde who went to the library and checked out a book called How To Hug? She got back home and found out it was volume seven of the ency-clopaedia.
133
Did you hear about the blonde who, at the bottom of a form where it said ‘sign here’, wrote ‘Pisces’?
134
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? She gets the Pop Tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
135
How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer? There’s Tippex on the screen.
136
How can you tell if another blonde’s been using the computer? There’s writing on the Tippex.
137
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
138
How do you drown a blonde? Tell her there’s a mirror at the bottom of the tub.
139
How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
140
How do you plant dope? Bury a blonde.
141
How does a blonde high five? She smacks herself in the forehead.
142
How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it.
143
If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
144
One day, I passed a blonde co-worker driving to work. I noticed she had a headlight blown. When I told her that one of her headlights was out, she asked, ‘Front or back?’
145
The blonde was at a vending machine with a line forming behind her. She kept putting in change, making her selection, watching the can fall and setting each can on top of the machine. After about fifteen times, a man waiting behind her says, ‘Hey, let’s keep the line moving.’ She replies, ‘You’ll have to wait. I’m still winning.’
146
The captain comes on the PA: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve lost engine number one so we will be arriving 15 minutes late in New York.’ A few minutes later, he announces they lost number two engine and now they’re looking at one hour late arriving. Wouldn’t you know, they lose engine number three. Two hours late now. The blonde turns to her husband and says ‘Honey, if we lose the fourth engine we could be up here all night.’
147
The geometry teacher asked the blonde: ‘How many degrees in a circle?’ The blonde replied: ‘This is a trick question! Did you want Fahrenheit or Celsius?’
148
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown-haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black-haired woman. The black-haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge!
149
There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was so mad she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat, rowing. The blonde stopped her car, jumped out and yelled, ‘You bimbo, it’s blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I’d come out there and give you what’s coming to you!’
150
Two blondes are filling their cars at a petrol station. One blonde turns to the other and says, ‘Are you as upset as I am about the high price of petrol?’ The second blonde replies, ‘It doesn’t really affect me. I always just put in Ł10 worth.’
151
Two tourist groups, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend in Vegas. The brunettes ride in the bottom of the bus and the blondes ride on the top level. The brunettes down below are whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn’t hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette says, ‘What is going on up here? We’re having a great time downstairs!’ One of the blondes says, ‘Yeah, but you’ve got a driver!’
152
What did the blonde say to the physicist? ‘Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?’
153
What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? ‘Oh, look! Doughnut seeds!’
154
What do UFOs and smart blondes have in common? You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
155
What do you call 100 blondes sitting in a circle? A dope ring.
156
What do you call 144 blondes? Gross ignorance.
157
What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1987 World Hide and Seek Champion.
158
What do you call a blonde with 90 per cent of her intelligence gone? Divorced.
159
What do you have when you stand 100 blondes next to each other, shoulder to shoulder? A wind tunnel.
160
What does ‘Bones’ McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? ‘Space. The final frontier…’
161
What does a blonde owl say? What, what?
162
What does a blonde think an innuendo is? An Italian suppository.
163
What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH? A blonde going through a flashing red light.
164
What is it called when a blonde dies her hair brown? Artificial intelligence.
165
What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? Trying to hold on to a thought.
166
What’s a blonde’s favourite wine? ‘Daaaady, I want to go to shoppiiiiing!’
167
What’s brown and red and black and blue? A brunette who’s told one too many blonde jokes.
168
What’s the definition of paralysis? Four blondes at a crossroads.
169
Why couldn’t the blonde write the number 11? She didn’t know which one came first.
170
Why did seventeen blondes line up outside the nightclub? You had to be eighteen to get in.
171
Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
172
Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing? The runway was only 25 ft long, but a mile wide.
173
Why did the blonde have tyre tread marks on her back? From crawling across the street when the sign said ‘DON’T WALK’.
174
Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? In case she locked the keys in her car.
175
Why did the blonde stop using the pill? Because it kept falling out.
176
Why do blondes drive BMWs? Because they can spell it.
177
Why do blondes hate M&Ms? They’re too hard to peel.
178
Why do blondes have more fun? Because they don’t know any better. And they’re easier to keep amused.
179
Why do blondes wear earmuffs? To avoid the draught.
180
Why does a blonde only change her baby’s nappy every month? Because it says on it ‘suitable for up to 20 lbs’.
181
Why don’t blondes double recipes? The oven doesn’t go to 700 degrees.
182
Why don’t blondes make good pharmacists? They can’t get the bottle into the typewriter.
183
Why were the blonde’s boobs square? Because she forgot to take the tissue out of the box.
184
A Blonde takes her broken car to the mechanic, Upon collecting it the mechanic say " Nothing serious love, just crap in the air filter" to which the Blonde replies " Brilliant, how often do I have to do that then?"
185
There were three women stuck on a desert island. One redhead, one brunette and a blonde. The three women decided to swim to the land in the distance.
The redhead got 1/4 of the way, got tired so swam back, the brunette got almost halfway, got tired then swam back. The blonde however, got 3/4 of the way got tired and swam back!
186
Why can"t blondes make ice cubes?
They keep on forgetting the recipe!
187
MY FRIEND TOLD ME ABOUT A NEW CAR WASH THAT HAD NEARBY. I REPLIED "THAT"S GREAT, I"LL BE ABLE TO WALK THERE!"
188
what do you call a blonde with two brain cells.
pregnant
189
Two blondes at Heathrow Airport, one says to the other "which is furthest, the moon or america", the other one says "hello..... can you see america from here!"
190
2 blondes walk into a building. You"d think at least one of em would have noticed it!
191
Man stands on river bank and shouts across to blonde on other bank.
"How do I get to the other side?"
Blonde looks up and down river then, in an irritated voice, replies.
"You ARE on the other side!"
192
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After
sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna
hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I"m a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight-lifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah...not if I"m gonna have to explain it five times."
193
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he"s doing a show in Edinburgh. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I"ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person"s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It"s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and from reaching our full potential as a person. The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I"m talking to that little dummy on your knee."
194
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 25 pounds?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man"s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You"re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the ÂŁ25.
And by the way,” the blonde added, “that"s not a Porch, it"s a Ferrari”
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