‘I noticed your first couple of birthdays in life and your last couple of birthdays in life are very similar. In both cases, you don’t really even know it’s your birthday. People have to say, ‘These are your friends. They’ve come to help you celebrate your birthday.’ And you need a little help with the cake blow, in both cases.’ Jerry Seinfeld

‘When’s your birthday?’ ‘Ninth of December.’ ‘Which year?’ ‘Every year.’

Darth Vader, to Luke Skywalker: ‘I know what you’re getting for your birthday, Luke. I have felt your presents.’

David’s wife is mad at him because he forgot her birthday. David saves his skin. ‘Sweetheart,’ he says. ‘How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?’

Every morning a man passes a house in his street and every morning he sees a woman in her front garden beating her husband over the head with a French loaf. This goes on for months until one morning he passes the house and sees the woman is beating her husband with a large éclair. Later that day he meets the woman in the street. ‘Aren’t you the woman who beats her husband with a French loaf?’ asks the man. ‘Only, today, I could have sworn you were hitting him with a big cake.’ ‘Oh, I was,’ replies the woman. ‘Today is his birthday.’

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age. Almost lifelike!

Harry shows Tom a beautiful diamond ring he’s bought for his girlfriend’s birthday. ‘I thought she wanted a four-wheel drive,’ says Tom. ‘She did,’ replies Harry. ‘But where am I going to find a fake Land Rover?’

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday – so we’re having you put to sleep.

‘I was born via caesarean section. It’s never really bothered me but, now and then, when I leave my house, I go out through the window.’

‘Which state were you born in?’ ‘The nude.’

He always remembers his wife’s birthday. It’s the day after she reminds him of it.

Her mother decided that her 10-year-old should get something practical for her birthday. ‘Suppose we open a savings account for you?’ she suggested. ‘It’s your account, darling,’ Susie’s mother said as they entered at the bank, ‘so you fill out the application.’ The child was doing fine until she came to the space for ‘Name of your former bank’. With just a slight hesitation, she put down ‘Piggy’.

I’m not saying she’s old, but when I tried to count the candles on her birthday cake I was driven back by the heat.

It’s a terrible thing to grow old alone. My wife hasn’t had a birthday for four years.

My wife is very economical. She only used 26 candles on her 40th birthday cake.

You know you’re old when by the time the last candle is lit on your birthday cake the first one has burnt out.

He was born on April 2nd – a day too late.

I grew up so poor I didn’t celebrate my eighteenth birthday until I was 23.

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. ‘Why are you crying?’ the father asked. ‘Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,’ answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin’s room, the fatherfound him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. ‘What are you sohappy about?’ he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, ‘There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!’