Get the Joke of the Day in your inbox:
Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
Get 20% off with rBooks
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
113 Battle of the sexes: men Jokes
1
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
2
What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? Sex.
3
What’s a man’s idea of doing housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
4
What’s a man’s idea of foreplay? Half an hour of begging.
5
What’s easier to make, a snow-man or a snow-woman? A snow-woman. With a snow-man you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles.
6
What’s the best way to kill a man? Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
7
What’s the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot? A man will spend 20 or 30 minutes looking for a golf ball.
8
What’s the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They’re no longer thick and insensitive.
9
What’s the difference between a man and Bigfoot? One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.
10
What’s the difference between a man and childbirth? One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
11
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A dog is always happy to see you and only takes a month to train.
12
What’s the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man? The 40-year-old woman thinks of having children. The 40-year-old man thinks about dating them.
13
What’s the difference between a sofa and a man watching football? The sofa doesn’t keep asking for beer.
14
What’s the difference between Government bonds and men? Bonds mature.
15
What’s the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They’re married.
16
What’s the one thing that keeps most men out of college? High school.
17
What’s the quickest way to a man’s heart? Straight through the ribcage.
18
What’s the smartest thing a man can say? ‘My wife says…’
19
When do you care for a man’s company? When he owns it.
20
Why are all ‘dumb blonde’ jokes one-liners? So men can understand them.
21
Why can’t men get mad cow disease? Because they’re all pigs.
22
Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
23
Why didn’t the husband change the baby for a week? Because the instructions on the nappies said ‘18-40 lb’.
24
Why do doctors slap babies’ bums when they’re born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
25
Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.
26
Why do men buy electric lawnmowers? So they can find their way back to the house.
27
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
28
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So oxygen can get to their brain!
29
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much? They like being able to both eat and make love in under five minutes.
30
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
31
Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? Because their balls fall over their butts and they vapour-lock.
32
Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
33
Why do so many women fake orgasm? Because so many men fake foreplay.
34
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilise one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
35
Why don’t women have men’s brains? Because they don’t have penises to keep them in.
36
Why is a man like a moped? They’re both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.
37
Why is a woman different from a computer? A woman won’t accept a 3-inch floppy.
38
Why is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
39
Why is food better than men? Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.
40
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends.
41
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
42
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.
43
Why would American men like to vote for a female president? Because they think they’d only have to pay her half as much.
44
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars? At least they’d get a little attention every six months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.
45
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
46
Women’s faults are many. Men only have two faults: everything they say and everything they do.
47
Men are like animals – messy, insensitive and potentially violent – but they make great pets.
48
‘Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.’ Rita Rudner
49
‘Give a man a free hand and he’ll try to put it all over you.’ Mae West
50
‘Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.’ Rita Rudner
51
‘Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands.’ Jayne Mansfield
52
‘Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture from Ikea.’ Rita Rudner
53
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, ‘I’m going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’ The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you.’
54
A man is talking to God, ‘God, why did you make women so beautiful?’ ‘So you’d find them attractive,’ replies God. ‘But then why did you make so many of them stupid?’ asks the man. ‘So some of them might find you attractive,’ says God.
55
All men are animals. Some just make better pets.
56
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
57
Give a man an inch and he thinks he’s a ruler. Give him 12 inches and he is a ruler.
58
Grow your own dope – plant a man.
59
How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused? He’s breathing.
60
How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts? Guilt gifts are nicer.
61
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
62
How do men define a ‘50/50’ relationship? We cook – they eat. We clean – they dirty. We iron – they wrinkle.
63
How do men sort their laundry? ‘Filthy’ and ‘Filthy but Wearable’.
64
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
65
How do you keep a man from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manuals’.
66
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
67
How does a man show he’s planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
68
How does a woman know her man is cheating on her? He starts bathing twice a week.
69
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two. If you slice them very thinly.
70
Husband, to wife: ‘Why can’t I tell when you have an orgasm?’ Wife: ‘Because you’re never at home when it happens.’
71
Man, ‘I don’t know why you wear a bra – you’ve got nothing to put in it.’ Woman, ‘You wear underpants, don’t you?’
72
Man, to woman, ‘Fancy a quickie?’ Woman, ‘As opposed to what?’
73
Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
74
Men are proof of reincarnation – you can’t get that dumb in just one lifetime.
75
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equalling a hundred miles.
76
Once upon a time a female brain cell happens to end up in a man’s head. The cell looks around nervously, but the place appears deserted. ‘Hello?’ she shouts, but there’s no answer. ‘Is there anyone here?’ she cries a little louder. Still no answer. Now the female brain cell starts to feel scared and yells, ‘Hello, is anyone there?’ Then she hears a faint voice from far, far away. ‘Hello! We’re all down here..!’
77
Only a man would buy a £500 car and put a £4,000 stereo in it.
78
Research shows most men sleep on the right side of the bed. Even when they’re asleep they have to be right.
79
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men – a woman.
80
The one thing my husband is good for, he’s not good at!
81
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men; strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong but you could still use them.
82
What did God say after creating man? ‘I’m sure I can do better than that.’
83
What did God say after she made Eve? ‘Practice makes perfect.’
84
What do a clitoris, an anniversary and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
85
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window.
86
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
87
What do you call a man who’s just had sex? Anything you like – he’s asleep.
88
What do you call a man with 99 per cent of his brain missing? Castrated.
89
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
90
What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man? A rumour.
91
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift to women? Exchange him.
92
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.
93
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
94
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
95
What is a man? A life-support machine for a penis.
96
What makes a man think about a candlelit dinner? A power failure.
97
What should a woman do if she saw her ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.
98
Men are like bank accounts – without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
99
Men are like bike helmets – handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
100
Men are like blenders – you need one, but you’re never quite sure why.
101
Men are like high heels – they’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
102
Men are like horoscopes – they always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
103
Men are like lava lamps – fun to look at, but not all that bright.
104
Men are like lawnmowers – hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don’t work.
105
Men are like linoleum – lay them right once and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
106
Men are like mascara – they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
107
Men are like miniskirts – if you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.
108
Men are like pantyhose – they either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!
109
Men are like parking places – all the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
110
Men are like popcorn – they satisfy you, but only for a little while.
111
Men are like public toilets – all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.
112
Men are like women – both of them distrust men.
113
Men’s brains are like the prison system – not enough cells.
114
its true men have better friends than woman.a woman stayed out all night and the husband rang 10 female friends ...none had seen her.man stays out all night his wife rings 10 male friends ...8 said he was with them all night and the other 2 both said he had just left !!!!!
115
My wife says I thinks more of Football than her. We have been together for 12 seasons now...
Your Jokes Our Jokes
An old man came up to me at the cash machine and asked me to…
A lady who had been married for several years was growing mo…
A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, th…
Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrigs disease - how'd he not s…
What do hippy horses eat? Hay, man.…
What do you call an Irish man who sits out all night in the …
Two men, both deformed from birth, meet nightly in the pub t…
What"s the most common owl in the British Isles? The Teat Ow…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a dyslexic
squidd…
A man shows up late for work. His boss yells, "You should ha…Submit your own joke
Home | Jokes | About Us | Submit a Joke | Joke of the Day | Buy the Books | Links
A Man Walks In To A Joke © Random House Group Ltd. Terms & Conditions | Privacy Policy
A Man Walks In To A Joke © Random House Group Ltd. Terms & Conditions | Privacy Policy
