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A man walks into a bar and.? We have all the favourite man walks into a bar jokes, not to mention jokes about beer
‘I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.’ Rodney Dangerfield
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’ll have a whisky and ……… soda.’ The bartender says, ‘Why the big pause?’ ‘Dunno,’ says the bear. ‘I’ve always had them.’
A fish walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘What do you want?’ The fish croaks, ‘Water.’
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a toad on his head. ‘What the hell is that?’ asks the barman. The toad replies, ‘I don’t know – it started as a wart on my ass and grew.’
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The barman looks at him and says, ‘Did you know there’s a drink named after you?’ ‘Really?’ says the grasshopper. ‘There’s a drink called Jeremy?’
A group of fonts walk into a bar. ‘Get out of my pub!’ shouts the barman. ‘We don’t serve your type in here.’
A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, ‘Why the long face?’
A little pig walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks direction to the lavatories. The barman tells him where the gents are and the pig hurries off to relieve himself. A second little pig then comes in, orders a drink and asks for the lavatories. Again the barman tells the pig where to go and the pig hurries away. A third little pig then appears and orders a drink. ‘I suppose you’ll want to know where the toilets are,’ says the barman. ‘No,’ replies the pig. ‘I’m the one that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.’
A man is sitting in a bar staring at his drink. After staring at it for half an hour without taking a sip, one of the bar regulars decides to have some fun with him. He picks up the man’s drink and knocks it back in one. The man starts crying. ‘Don’t take it like that,’ says the regular. ‘It was a joke. I’ll buy you another one.’ ‘It’s not just that,’ replies the man. ‘This day has been the worst one of my life. First, I oversleep and get into work late. My boss fires me and, when I leave the building, I find my car had been stolen. I get a cab home but leave my briefcase on the back seat with my wallet in it. Then, when I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. After all that I come to this bar and then, when I’ve just made up my mind to end it all, you show up and drink my poison…’
A man sits at a bar. ‘What’ll you have?’ asks the bartender. ‘A Scotch, please,’ replies the man. The bartender hands him the drink, and says, ‘That’ll be five dollars.’ The man replies, ‘What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.’ A lawyer, sitting nearby says to the bartender, ‘He’s right. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.’ The bartender is not impressed and tells the man to finish his drink and get out. The next day the man returns. ‘What the hell are you doing back?’ says the barman. ‘I can’t believe you’ve got the nerve to show your face here!’ The man replies, ‘What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!’ ‘I’m very sorry,’ says the barman. ‘But the resemblance is uncanny. You must have a double.’ So the man says, ‘Thanks. Make it a Scotch.’
A man walks into a bar and orders 20 pints of Guinness. He lines them up on the bar and announces that he’ll give £100 to the man who can drink all of them. Patrick sticks up his hand and says he’d like a go if the man can wait half an hour. Patrick then leaves the pub, comes back 30 minutes later and downs the 20 pints one after another. The man is impressed and hands over the money, ‘But tell me,’ he asks. ‘Where did you go to for that half an hour?’ ‘Ah, well,’ says Patrick. ‘Before I took your bet I popped to the pub next door to see if I could do it.’
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, then discovers he has to go to the bathroom. To stop anyone stealing his drink he puts a note on it saying, ‘I spat in this beer.’ When he returns he finds another note saying, ‘So did I!’
A man walks into a bar and orders six whiskies. He lines them up in a row and knocks back the first, third, and fifth glasses. Then he gets up to leave. ‘Don’t you want the others?’ asks the barman. ‘You’ve only had three of your whiskies.’ ‘Best not,’ replies the man. ‘My doctor said it was only okay to have the odd drink.’
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don’t try to fool me, because I can tell the difference.’ The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with five-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, ‘Bartender, this crap is five-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.’ The bartender tries once more with eight-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, ‘Bartender, I don’t want eight-year scotch. Give me 12-year scotch!’ Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch. The man takes a sip and sighs, ‘Ah, now that’s the real thing.’ A drunk has been watching this with great interest. He stumbles over, sets a glass down in front of the man, and says, ‘Hey, try this one.’ The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out again, ‘Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!’ The drunk says, ‘Yeah. Now how old am I?’
A man walks into a bar and sees a cow serving behind the counter. ‘What are you staring at?’ says the cow. ‘Never seen a cow serving drinks before?’ ‘It’s not that,’ replies the man. ‘I just never thought the moose would sell this place.’
A man walks into a bar and the barman notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his trousers. ‘Hey,’ says the barman. ‘What’s that steering wheel doing down your trousers?’ ‘Oh, don’t start me on that,’ says the man. ‘It’s driving me nuts!’
A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. ‘What would you like?’ asks the barman. The man replies, ‘A pint of beer and one for the road.’
A man walks into a Florida bar and finds they’re holding a contest. The bartender tells him the details: ‘First you have to drink three bottles of moonshine. Second, you go out back and pull a sore tooth out the mouth of my pet ’gator. And last, you have to go upstairs and have sex with Ma Jackson, the town’s oldest, ugliest prostitute. If you can do all that in one hour and stay conscious, you win a year’s supply of beer.’ ‘Sounds tough,’ says the man, ‘but I’ll give it a go.’ The man drinks the three bottles of moonshine then, completely plastered, staggers out back to find the ’gator. After half an hour of crashes and screaming, the man crawls back covered in bruises and cuts, ‘Okay,’ slurs the man. ‘Sho were ish the old broad wid the bad tooth?’
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and says to the barman, ‘Have you seen my brother?’ The barman says, ‘I don’t know. What does he look like?’
A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a glass of whisky. When the drink arrives the string gulps it down in one go then runs out without paying. Outside the string ruffles itself and ties itself up, then goes back in the bar and orders another whisky. ‘Here!’ says the barman. ‘Aren’t you that piece of string that just ran out without paying?’ The string replies, ‘No, I’m a frayed knot.’
A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a pub. The barman says, ‘Is this some kind of joke?’
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, ‘I’d like a beer and a mop…’
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre – so the barman gives her one.
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, ‘Can I get you a drink?’ Descartes replies, ‘I think not’…and disappears.
Man, to barman, ‘Do you serve women in this place?’ Barman, ‘No. You have to bring your own.’
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the barman for a beer. ‘I can’t serve you,’ says the barman. ‘You’re bard!’
The Loch Ness Monster squeezes into a Soho bar and orders a shot of whiskey for £8. ‘You’re quite an unusual sight if you don’t mind me saying so, sir,’ said the barman. ‘We don’t get many monsters in here.’ The monster replies, ‘Aye, and at your prices I’m noo surprised.’
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage.
The panda pauses on his way out, produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual, and tosses it over his shoulder.
"Well, I"m a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation:
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."
A white horse walked into a bar, the barman said "we have a drink named after you" to which the horse replied what Kevin?
A man walks into a bar with a toad on his head. The bartender says "where did you get that?" The toad replied "it started out as a wart on my stomach".
A hippopotamus walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint. "That will be 7.50 please" says the barman. The hippo pays and starts to sip his beer. "You know we don"t very many hippos in here" mutters the barman. The hippo replies: "At 7.50 a pint it"s no wonder!"
A golf club walks into a bar and asks for a whisky. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why?" asks the golf club. And the barman says, "Because I know you"re going to be driving later!"
Two men were fighting at the bar. One threw a prawn cocktail."And thats just for starters", he said.
Two owls playing a game of pool - one touches a ball with his feather - the other says "Two hits" the other says "Two hits to who" !
A man walks into a university bar and asks the bar man "When do you finish serving?" The bar man replies, " when I get to the "g"
A man walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The bar man says "neat?". The man replies "well as tidy as you can make it"
A man walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The bar man says "single?". The man says "no, i"m happily married, but curious"
William Shakespeare walks into a bar . The barman says "sorry cant serve you " "why not"----------"youre bard"
Two women walk into a bar - you would have thought one of them would have spotted it.
A man goes to a bar says, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!"
Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man it seems i forgot my wallet.
The barman kicks him in the guts and throws him out.
The next day the man comes again, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!"
Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man i don"t have any money on me.
The barman hits him in the face with bar stool brakes his leg and throws him out.
The following day the man comes to the bar again, "Barman drinks on me for the owner and everybody else in here!"
Barman says, "What am not getting a free drink tonight?"
"Sorry man but you get violent when you drink."
a man walks into a bar with a bag on his shoulder he sits down and puts the bag on the floor, the barman says sorry you can"t leave that lyin there, the man replys it"s not a lion it"s a bag