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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
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by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
69 Age Jokes
Want to tease a friend on their birthday or joke about their age? Young or old , we have some of the best age jokes as well as the old classics you know you are getting old when...!
1
‘Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.’ Bob Hope
2
‘She said she was approaching forty – I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.’ Bob Hope
3
After forty-five your ‘get up and go’ gets up and goes.
4
Harry has invented a bra for middle-aged women. He calls it the ‘sheep dog’ because it rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
5
In our twenties we don’t care what the world thinks of us. In our thirties we worry about what the world thinks of us. In our forties we realise that nobody actually gives a damn about us.
6
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
7
Maybe it’s true that life begins at forty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
8
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
9
Middle age is when women stop worrying about being pregnant, and men start worrying they look like they are.
10
Middle age is when you choose a cereal because of its fibre content, not the free toy.
11
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
12
She’s not pushing forty – she’s clinging on to it for dear life.
13
The good news about being middle-aged is that the glass is still half-full. The bad news is that pretty soon your teeth will be floating in it.
14
The thing about being a middle-aged woman is that when you go for a mammogram, you realise it’s the only time someone’s ever going to ask you to appear topless in a film.
15
Thirty is a nice age for a woman, especially if she happens to be forty.
16
What’s the difference between a clown and a man having a mid-life crisis? The clown knows he’s wearing ludicrous clothes.
17
‘Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that’s down can come up.’ George Burns
18
‘How young can you die of old age?’ Steven Wright
19
‘I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.’ George Burns
20
‘I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.’ Bob Hope
21
‘I’ve got to watch myself these days. It’s too exciting watching anyone else.’ Bob Hope
22
‘If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.’ George Burns
23
‘In my lifetime I saw the Berlin Wall come and I saw it go. George Burns can say the same thing about the Ice Age.’ Bob Hope
24
‘Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning.’ Groucho Marx
25
‘Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.’ George Burns
26
‘Three things happen when you get to my age. First your memory starts to go and I’ve forgotten the other two.’ Denis Healey
27
A doctor in an old people’s home is discussing an elderly resident with one of the orderlies. ‘I’m worried about Mister Jones,’ says the doctor. ‘He claims that when he goes to the bathroom God switches on the light for him, then switches it off again when he’s finished. Do you think he’s going senile?’ ‘Nah,’ says the orderly. ‘He’s just been peeing in the fridge again.’
28
A husband and wife wake up one morning. The husband leans over to kiss his wife on the cheek but she says, ‘Don’t touch me! I’m dead!’ ‘What on earth are you talking about?’ says the husband. ‘We’re both lying here talking.’ The wife replies, ‘I know. But I’m definitely dead.’ ‘You can’t be dead,’ replies her husband. ‘What in the world makes you think you’re dead?’ His wife replies, ‘I must be dead. I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!’
29
A man buys his grandfather the services of a call girl on his 90th birthday. The girl arrives and says, ‘Hi. I’m here to give you super sex.’ ‘Oh thank you,’ replies the old man. ‘I’ll have the soup please.’
30
A man in his nineties is watching a group of teenage girls. He turns to his friend and says, ‘I wish I was 20 years older.’ ‘Don’t you mean 20 years younger?’ ‘No, 20 years older. That way I wouldn’t give a damn one way or another.’
31
A man visits his aunt in a nursing home. It turns out that she’s taking a nap, so he sits by her bed, flips through a few magazines and munches on some peanuts in a bowl. Eventually the aunt wakes up, and her nephew notices he’s finished the entire bowl of nuts. ‘I’m sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!’ he says. ‘That’s okay, dear,’ replies the aunt. ‘I don’t really like them that much, not after I’ve sucked the chocolate off.’
32
A vicar is visiting Old John on his 94th birthday. ‘John, to what do you attribute your marvellous age?’ asks the Vicar. ‘Well,’ says Old John. ‘I reckon it’s cos I never touched a woman or a drop of drink in my whole life.’ Suddenly there’s a crash and a scream from upstairs. ‘What was that?’ asks the Vicar. Old John replies, ‘Oh that’s Dad. He got pissed again and chased the au-pair into the bedroom.’
33
A widower and a widow have been friends for years and one day the widower decides it’s time to pop the question. He takes the widow to dinner and finally gathers up the courage to say, ‘Will you marry me?’ The widow answers, ‘Yes. Yes, I will.’ The meal ends and they go to their respective homes. Next morning, the widower has a problem, he knew he asked the question but did she say yes, or no? With trepidation he calls her on the phone. ‘This is kind of embarrassing,’ he says. ‘But when I asked if you would marry me, what did you say?’ The widow answers, ‘Why, I said, “Yes, yes I will” and I meant it with all my heart.’ She continues, ‘I’m so glad you called, because I couldn’t remember who’d asked me.’
34
A woman congratulates her ageing father, ‘I’m so proud of you. I noticed that when you sneeze, you’ve finally learned to put your hand in front of your mouth!’ ‘Of course I have,’ says the old man. ‘How the hell else can I catch my teeth?’
35
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
36
An ageing playboy visits his doctor after a lifetime of wine, women and song. ‘Well,’ says the doctor. ‘The good news is you don’t have to give up singing.’
37
An elderly couple are in a romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat the old lady says, ‘I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had.’ The old man leans over and gives her a peck on the cheek. Then she says, ‘I remember when you used to hold my hand all the time.’ The old man reaches over and places his hand on hers. The old lady continues, ‘I can also remember when you used to nibble on my neck.’ The old man sighs, stands up, and starts to shuffle out of the room. ‘Where are you going?’ asks the old lady. ‘To find my teeth,’ says the old man.
38
An elderly man lies dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathers his remaining strength, lifts himself from the bed and slowly makes his way out of the bedroom. With laboured breaths, he staggers down the stairs into the hall and gazes into the kitchen. Here, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters are literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies – a final act of love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he leaves this world a happy man. Mustering one great final effort, the old man throws himself towards the table and lands on his knees. He reaches out a withered hand towards a tray of cookies – when ‘Whack!’ it’s suddenly struck with a spatula. ‘You stay out of those,’ says his wife. ‘Them’s for the funeral.’
39
An estate agent is trying to sell a very old man a new home. ‘It would be a marvellous investment,’ says the agent. ‘You’ve got to be joking,’ says the old man. ‘At my age I don’t even buy green bananas.’
40
An old couple regularly attend church and the pastor is impressed by how harmonious they seem. One day after church, the pastor approaches them to express his admiration. ‘I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are,’ he says. ‘Even after all these years you still hold hands all through the service.’ The old woman replies, ‘That’s not love, Pastor, I’m just keeping him from cracking his damn knuckles.’
41
An old man and an old woman are talking in an old folks’ home. The man says, ‘I’m so old I forgot how old I am.’ ‘I’ll tell you how old you are,’ says the old woman. ‘Take off your clothes and bend over.’ The man does so and the woman says, ‘You’re seventy-four.’ The man is astonished. ‘How can you tell?’ he asks. The woman replies, ‘You told me yesterday.’
42
An old man hobbles up to an ice-cream van and orders a cornet. ‘Crushed nuts, granddad?’ asks the salesman. ‘No,’ replies the old man. ‘Rheumatism.’
43
An old man says to his wife, ‘You know, I think it’s time for us to have another baby.’ ‘Are you mad?’ says his wife. ‘Well, just think,’ he says. ‘I used to complain about having to get up at two o’clock in the morning to feed the baby, but these days I get up about that time anyway!'
44
At the age of 93 Mildred was distraught to be left a widow. She decided to end it all and join her husband in death. To make sure she did the job properly she rang her doctor and asked exactly where the human heart is located. She was told that the heart is just below the left breast. Hearing this she took her husband’s revolver, placed it in the right spot, and fired. Half an hour later she was admitted to hospital with a gunshot wound – to her left knee.
45
Be nice to your kids. They’ll be choosing your nursing home.
46
Bert and Ethel got married yesterday. He’s 98 and she’s 87. The guests didn’t throw confetti; they threw vitamin pills.
47
Boy, to father, ‘Daddy, why does Grandma spend so much time reading the Bible?’ Father, ‘Shhh, son. She’s cramming for her finals.’
48
By the time a man is old enough to read a woman like a book, he’s too old to start a library.
49
Cliff Richard goes to an old peoples’ home to host a sing-a-long but is surprised to discover that none of the residents recognise him. Puzzled, he takes an old lady aside and says, ‘Excuse me, but do you have any idea who I am?’ ‘Sorry dear,’ says the old lady. ‘But you ask one of the nurses, they’ll tell you.'
50
Definition of old age in men: chasing after women, then forgetting why when they’re caught.
51
Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the men’s retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and says, ‘Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can make wild passionate love to me all night!’ An elderly gentleman at the rear calls out, ‘An elephant?’ Bessie thinks for a moment then replies, ‘Close enough!’
52
Even though I’m old, I’ve definitely still got it. Trouble is, nobody wants it.
53
Grandad had a hip replacement, but the hospital must have put in a cheap one. The kids love it though – every time they press his head down he takes a penalty.
54
I went to a school reunion the other day, sadly all my friends had become so fat and old no one could recognise me.
55
It’s a windy day and a little old lady is in the street holding on to her hat with both hands. A gust blows her skirts up revealing she’s has no underwear and she’s arrested for indecent exposure. Thejudge says, ‘Madam, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, while you tried to save your hat.’ The old lady replies, ‘Why shouldn’t I? Everything under my skirt is eighty years old – that hat was brand new!’
56
Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
57
She was so old a fireman had to be in attendance every time she lit her birthday candles.
58
She’s so old she has Jesus’s beeper number!
59
The older you get, the better you realise you were.
60
The older you get, the longer it takes you to get over a good time.
61
The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.
62
Three old ladies are discussing the problems of old age. One says, ‘Sometimes I find myself with a loaf of bread in my hand and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.’ The second lady says, ‘Sometimes I find myself on the stair landing and can’t remember whether I was going up or down.’ The third one says, ‘Well, my memory is perfect – knock on wood.’ She raps her knuckles on the wooden table, then says, ‘Just wait till I answer the door.’
63
Two elderly people who have been courting for years finally decide to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding plans and go into a drugstore. The old man goes up to the sales assistant and says, ‘Do you sell heart medication?’ ‘Of course we do,’ says the assistant. ‘How about medicine for the circulation?’ asks the old man. The assistant replies, ‘All kinds.’ The old man continues, ‘How about medicine for rheumatism?’ ‘We have that too,’ says the assistant. ‘How about Viagra?’ asks the old man. ‘We do stock that,’ replies the assistant. ‘Got any medicine for the memory?’ says the old man. The assistant replies, ‘Yes, we have a large selection of drugs to improve your mental faculties.’ ‘Okay,’ says the old man. ‘So what about vitamins and sleeping pills?’ ‘Got lots,’ replies the assistant. ‘Perfect!’ says the old man. ‘In that case we’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.’
64
Two old ladies are playing a game of cards. One lady looks up at the other and says, ‘We’ve known each other for so many years, but for the life of me, I just can’t bring your name to mind. What was it again, dear?’ There’s silence for a few seconds, then the other lady replies, ‘How soon do you need to know?’
65
Two old men are sitting in an old people’s home when one of the female residents runs past completely naked. ‘What was that she was wearing?’ asks the first. ‘Don’t know,’ replies the second. ‘But it sure needed ironing.’
66
Visitor, to old man: ‘Have you lived here all your life?’ Old man: ‘I don’t know; I haven’t died yet.’
67
What happened when the old lady streaked through the flower show? She won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement.
68
What’s pink, smells of wee and goes in, out, in, out? Granny doing the hokey-cokey.
69
What’s pink, wrinkly and hangs out your trousers? Your mother.
70
Whats white and giggles?
My Nan in her straight jacket
71
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an old lady above, sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn"t help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don"t exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied.
72
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER,AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.THAT WAS MY PAGER,SHE SAID.I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER A PHONE RANG.THE SECOND WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.WHEN SHE FINISHED,SHE EXPLAINED THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE.I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH.NOT TO BE OUT DONE,SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.THE OTHERS RAISED THIRE EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID....WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT..IM GETTING A FAX.
73
two old ladies were standing outside their nursing home smoking when it started to to pee down with rain.one of the old ladies took out a condom from her bag snipped the end off placed it over the cigarette so it wouldnt get wet and carried on smoking.the other old laDY says thats a great idea what are they.the reply was condoms.the other old lady says were you get them from the chemist was the reply.so next day the old lady gets out her zimmer frame and goes to the chemist.she opens the doot and says to the assistant can i have a package of condoms please. the assistant looks at her after all she was 80 odd but decides to be kind and says any paticular variety madam.the old lady thinks about it and says i dont realy think it matters as long as it fits a camel
74
Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people"s home last
night. They didn"t get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
75
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn"t it? "No," the second man replied, "it"s Thursday." The third man chimed in, "So am I. Let"s have a beer."
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