A guy in a bar leans over to the man next to him and says, ‘Want to hear an accountant joke?’ The man replies, ‘Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 foot tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6 foot 2 inches tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an accountant too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?’ The first guy says, ‘God no. Not if I’ll have to explain it twice.’

A patient is at her doctor’s office after undergoing a physical examination. The doctor says, ‘I have some very grave news. You have only six months to live.’ ‘What can I do?’ cries the patient. The doctor replies, ‘Marry an accountant.’ ‘Will that make my life longer?’ asks the patient. ‘No,’ says the doctor. ‘But it will seem longer.’

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch. ‘The parrot on the left costs £500,’ says the owner. ‘Why does that parrot cost so much?’ asks the accountant. ‘It knows how to do complex audits,’ says the shop owner. ‘How much does the middle parrot cost?’ asks the accountant. ‘That one costs £1,000,’ replies the shopkeeper. ‘It can do everything the first one can, plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts.’ The accountant asks about the third parrot. It costs £4,000. ‘So what can that one do?’ he asks. ‘To be honest,’ says the shop owner, ‘I’ve never seen him do anything. But the other two call him Senior Partner.’

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a tramp. ‘Spare some loose change?’ asks the tramp. ‘And why should I do that?’ asks the accountant. ‘Because I’m skint. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,’ says the tramp. ‘I see,’ says the accountant. ‘And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?’

He was an extrovert accountant – he’d look at your shoes while he was talking to you rather than his own.

How do accountants liven up their office parties? They invite an undertaker.

Two accountants are in a bar when armed robbers burst in. The robbers line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. The first accountant slips something in the second accountant’s hand and whispers, ‘Here’s that £50 I owe you.’

Two accountants go to the cemetery to pay their respects at the grave of a colleague. However, they search and search and can’t find his tombstone anywhere. Eventually one turns to the other and says, ‘Perhaps he put it in the name of his last wife?’

What is the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe? A tragedy is a shipful of accountants going down in a storm. A catastrophe is when they can all swim!

You know he’s a really good tax accountant when he’s got a loophole named after him.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. ‘Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.’ ‘Have you tried counting sheep?’ ‘That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.’

What happens when you cross a transatlantic aircraft with an accountant? A Boring 747.