‘Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster’s dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one’s garden.’ Homer Simpson

I like to watch my wedding video running backwards so I can watch myself walk out of the church a free man.

If ‘I am’ is the shortest sentence in the world, what’s the longest sentence? ‘I do!’

The marriage got off to a bad start during the wedding service. The vicar said, ‘You may now kiss the bride.’ And she said, ‘Not now. I’ve got a headache.’

A couple apply for a wedding licence. ‘Can I have your name?’ asks the clerk. ‘David Smith,’ replies the man. ‘Jenny Smith,’ replies the woman. ‘Any connection?’ asks the clerk. ‘Only the once,’ replies the woman. ‘That’s when he knocked me up.’

I got a note from the bride thanking me for the wedding present I sent. She said it was just what she wanted and she’d use them every time she entertained guests. I’m a bit worried. I gave her bedsheets.

A man goes up to a vicar and says, ‘Excuse me, Reverend, but do you think a man ought to profit by the mistakes of others?’ ‘No, I don’t think he should,’ replies the vicar. ‘In that case can I have my £40 back?’ says the man. ‘£40? What d’you mean?’ replies the vicar. The man says, ‘That’s what you charged for my wedding ceremony.’

A police officer stops a motorist speeding down Main Street. ‘But officer,’ the man says, ‘I can explain—’ ‘Be quiet,’ snaps the officer. ‘I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.’ ‘But, officer, I just wanted to say—’ says the driver. ‘And I say keep quiet! You’re going to jail!’ replies the officer. A few hours later the officer looks in on his prisoner and says, ‘Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.’ ‘Don’t count on it,’ answers the motorist. ‘I’m the groom.’