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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
Get 20% off with rBooks
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
104 Riddles Jokes
1
If two’s company, and three’s a crowd, what are four and five? Nine!
2
Say ‘coast’ fives times quickly then answer this question – what do you put in a toaster? (No, you put bread in a toaster.)
3
Say ‘silk’ fives times quickly then answer this question – what do cows drink? (No, they drink water.)
4
What d’you call an unemployed jester? Nobody’s fool.
5
What did the grape say when it was trodden on? Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
6
What did the man say when he saw a dinosaur coming down the path wearing sunglasses? Nothing! He didn’t recognise him.
7
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
8
What do you call a camel with a flat back? Humphrey.
9
What do you call a dead tractor collector? An ex-tractor fan.
10
What do you call a deaf monster? Whatever you like – he can’t hear you!
11
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
12
What do you call a disguise worn by an elk? A false moosetache.
13
What do you call a donkey with three legs? A wonkey.
14
What do you call a film about mallards? A duckumentary!
15
What do you call a fish on a motorcycle? A motor pike!
16
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17
What do you call a greenfly without any legs? A bogey.
18
What do you call a judge with no thumbs? Just his fingers.
19
What do you call a pair of ants at Gretna Green? An ant-elope.
20
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
21
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.
22
What do you call an igloo without a toilet? An ig!
23
What do you call an underground train full of professors? A tube of smarties.
24
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? Nacho cheese.
25
What do you call people who ride on double-decker buses? Passengers.
26
What do you call something that runs around your garden all day and never stops? The fence!
27
What do you call the costume of a one-legged ballerina? A one-one.
28
What do you call the place where parrots make films? Pollywood!
29
What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe him off, apologise, and run!
30
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.
31
What do you get if you put a canary in a food blender? Shredded tweet.
32
What gets smaller the more you put in it? A hole in the ground.
33
What goes Mooooooz? A jet flying backwards!
34
What happened to the two bedbugs who fell in love? They got married in the spring.
35
What happens when you throw a green stone in the Red Sea? It gets wet!
36
What has eight legs and lives in trees? Four anti-road protesters.
37
What has two humps and is found at the North Pole? A lost camel.
38
What is Cole’s Law? Mostly it’s thinly sliced cabbage.
39
What is red and dangerous? Strawberry and tarantula jelly!
40
What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air? A centipede.
41
What was Dick van Dyke’s real name? Penis van Lesbian.
42
What was the name of the Scottish dentist? Phil McCavity.
43
What word is always pronounced incorrectly? Incorrectly.
44
What’s black, white and red all over? Half a cat.
45
What’s brown and lives in a bell tower? The lunch bag of Notre Dame.
46
What’s green and looks like a bucket? A green bucket.
47
What’s green and says, ‘Blub blub’? A green Blub Blub. What’s blue and says, ‘Blub blub’? Nothing, there are no blue Blub Blubs.
48
What’s green and walks through walls? Casper the friendly cabbage.
49
What’s green and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table.
50
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
51
What’s round, hard, and sticks so far out of his pyjamas a man can stick his hat on it? His head.
52
What’s smelly, round, and laughs? A tickled onion.
53
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist? The genealogist looks up trees, the gynaecologist looks up bushes.
54
What’s the difference between a hill and a pill? One is hard to get up, the other is hard to get down.
55
What’s the quickest way to make anti-freeze? Hide her nightie.
56
What’s twelve feet long and smells of lavender and stale wee? A line dance at an old people’s home.
57
What’s twelve feet long, has big teeth, and eats people while going up and down? A shark in a lift.
58
Where do you find the most fish? Between the head and tail.
59
Where does success come before work? In the dictionary!
60
Which two words in the English language have the most letters? Post Office!
61
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
62
Why did Henry the Eighth put skittles on his lawn? So he could take Anne Boleyn.
63
Why did the chicken run on to the football pitch? Because the ref blew for a foul.
64
Why did the Marxist only drink fake tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
65
Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because she couldn’t find a date.
66
Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen? They sell more tickets.
67
Why do white sheep eat more than black ones? Because there’s more of them.
68
Why is duct tape like ‘The Force’? It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
69
Why is getting up at five in the morning like a pig’s tail? It’s twirly.
70
Why was six unhappy? Because seven eight nine.
71
Why was the Old Testament prostitute arrested? She was trying to make a Prophet.
72
Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.
73
What’s red and white? Pink!
74
What is half of infinity? Nity.
75
What runs but never walks? Water!
76
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
77
What’s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff.
78
What cheese is made backwards? Edam.
79
What’s green and smells? Hulk’s fart.
80
Which bus crossed the ocean? Columbus.
81
What has forty feet and sings? A choir!
82
What has wheels and flies? A bin lorry.
83
What’s a hospice? Around three gallons.
84
What goes ‘Mark!’? A dog with a hare lip.
85
What’s big, green and can’t fly? A field.
86
What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
87
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
88
What do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? A) Writing his memoirs, B) Advising the President, C) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
89
If you have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have? Kermit’s undivided attention.
90
What can you put in a wooden box that will actually make it lighter? Holes.
91
A rooster sits on a barn roof. If it lays an egg, on which side will it roll off? Neither, roosters don’t lay eggs.
92
Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth? Mount Everest – it just hadn’t been discovered!
93
How many birthdays does the average man have? Just one!
94
How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25? Only once, then you are subtracting it from 20.
95
If there are three apples and you take away two, how many do you have? You have two, you took them, remember?
96
In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? You have to take a picture of a man with a camera.
97
Some months have 31 days – how many have 28? All of them!
98
The maker doesn’t want it, the buyer doesn’t use it, and the user doesn’t see it. What is it? A coffin.
99
Which is correct to say, ‘The yolk of the egg are white’, or ‘The yolk of the egg is white’? Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow.
100
You have an oil lamp, a stove and a fireplace, which do you light first? A match!
101
An English woman marries ten different men in London, yet she does not break any laws. None of these men dies and she never divorces. How is this possible? She’s a vicar.
102
A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts, to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible? The child was born before 1776.
103
An electrician and a plumber are shopping in a hardware store. One of them is the father of the other’s son. How can this be possible? They are husband and wife.
104
Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s sister? No – he’s dead!
105
WHAT IS BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALLL OVER?
A NEWSPAPER
106
A man locked in a room with only a bed, a calendar and a piano. What did he survive on, and how did he get out? He drank from the springs in the bed, ate the dates off the calendar, and played the piano till he found the right key to unlock the door.
107
A man was locked in a room with only a mirror and a table. How did he get out? He looked in the mirror to see what he saw. Then he took the saw and cut the table in half. Then he put the two halves together to form a whole, and crawled through the hole!
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