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Man Walks Into A Bar: The Ultimate Collection of Jokes and One-Liners
by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
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by Stephen Arnott & Mike Haskins
Man Walks Into A Bar 2
by Jonathan Swan
149 Religion Jokes
1
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
2
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God. I didn’t.
3
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
4
Religion is man’s quest for assurance that he won’t be dead when he will be.
5
Remember there are seven deadly sins. One a day. So, have a good week.
6
Teacher, ‘Johnny, please list the Ten Commandments in any order.’ Johnny, ‘Okay: 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.’
7
Televangelists – the Pro Wrestlers of religion.
8
They had a bingo evening at the local church hall. The priest called out all the numbers in Latin so the atheists wouldn’t win.
9
What did Saint Patrick say to the snakes when he was driving them out of Ireland? ‘Are yis all right in the back there, lads?’
10
What did the Virgin Mary say when she saw the wise men? ‘Typical, you wait ages then three come at once.’
11
What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? Their middle name.
12
A Sunday school teacher reads a Bible passage to her class. ‘And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying, “I called to the Lord of my distress and He answered me.” … and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.’ When she’s finished reading, the teacher says, ‘Now, children. What does this story teach us?’ Little Johnny raises his hand and says, ‘You can’t keep a good man down?’
13
A mother is preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, five, and Ryan, three. The boys begin to argue over who gets the first pancake and their mother sees the opportunity for a moral lesson. ‘If Jesus were sitting here,’ she says. ‘He would say, “Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.”’ Kevin turns to his brother and says, ‘Okay, Ryan. You be Jesus.’
14
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use a person on cable TV in a bad suit, with a bad hairstyle, as His messenger.
15
A boy is wandering through a hotel when he hears amorous sounds coming from a room. Curious he opens the door to an unlit room. ‘Wow,’ he says. ‘It’s dark in here!’ A man shouts out, ‘Clear off and leave us alone!’ Startled, the boy shuts the door and runs away. Later that evening the boy passes the hotel laundry room and, again, hears amorous sounds coming from inside. He opens the door and says, ‘Wow. It’s dark in here!’ Again, a man shouts, ‘Go away and leave us alone!’ And the boy shuts the door and runs away. Next day the boy’s mother takes him to his first confession. The boy enters the confessional box and says, ‘Wow. It’s dark in here.’ The priest says, ‘Are you following me around, you little bastard?’
16
A man has some churchmen to his house for dinner. He offers a glass of whisky to an Anglican bishop, who gratefully accepts, then does the same to a teetotal Scottish minister of the Free Church. ‘Sir,’ says the minister. ‘I would rather commit adultery your wife, than let a drop of that whisky pass my lips.’ ‘Blimey,’ says the bishop. ‘I didn’t know we had a choice.’
17
A married man goes to confession and says to the priest, ‘I almost had an affair with a woman.’ The priest asks, ‘What do you mean “almost”?’ The man replies, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’ The priest replies, ‘You sinful man! Rubbing together is exactly the same as putting it in. You must say five Hail Mary’s and put £100 in the collection box.’ The man walks over to the collection box, pauses for a moment, then heads for the door. ‘Wait a minute!’ says the priest, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the box.’ ‘No,’ says the man. ‘But I rubbed some money against it and you said that was the same as putting it in.’
18
A Southern Baptist minister is addressing his congregation, ‘A member of this church has suggested that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I call on them to stand up now and reveal themselves and say why they have been spreading such a malicious falsehood to besmirch my good name.’ A gorgeous blonde stands up nervously. ‘You?’ says the minister. ‘My own sister-in-law? Why would you tell such lies about me?’ ‘I didn’t mean to,’ says the blonde. ‘It was a horrible mistake. All I did was tell my hairdresser you were a wizard under the sheets!’
19
An Irishman is struggling through a winter gale with a friend when he collapses clutching his heart. ‘Quick,’ says the Irishman. ‘I’m dying. Get me a Rabbi.’ ‘What do you mean, a Rabbi?’ says his friend. ‘You’ve been a Catholic all your life.’ ‘I know,’ says the Irishman. ‘But I wouldn’t like to drag the Father out on a night like this.’
20
At a church gathering the priest stacks a pile of apples at one end of a table with a sign saying, ‘Take only one apple please – God is watching’. On the other end of the table is a pile of cookies, Little Johnny places a sign by it saying, ‘Take all the cookies you want – God’s watching the fruit’.
21
Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying, “I called to the Lord of my distress and He answered me.” … and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.’ When she’s finished reading, the teacher says, ‘Now, children. What does this story teach us?’ Little Johnny raises his hand and says, ‘You can’t keep a good man down?’
22
Little Johnny comes home from school and says, ‘Dad. Today we found out what God’s name is. He’s called Harold.’ ‘Harold?’ replies his father. ‘What gave you that idea?’ ‘It said so in the poem,’ replies Johnny. ‘Our Lord who art in heaven. Harold be they name.’
23
Man to priest: ‘Father, how can I be sure of getting to Heaven?’ Priest: ‘You must live a godly life on the day you die.’ Man: ‘And how do I know what day I’ll die?’ Priest: ‘You don’t.’
24
There’s a horrible car crash. The driver of the car lies dying by the side of the road. A passerby suggests he says a prayer. ‘I don’t know any,’ says the stricken man. ‘Haven’t you had any contact with religion?’ asks the passer-by. ‘Well, as a boy we use to live next to a Catholic church!’ ‘Try to remember,’ says the passer-by. ‘Just repeat what you heard in the church!’ ‘Uh, okay,’ says the dying man. ‘B15…Under the B–15… I22…Under the I–22…Bingo!’
25
Did you hear about the ‘Dial-A-Prayer’ telephone service for agnostics? You dial the number and no one answers.
26
What’s an atheist’s favourite Christmas movie? Coincidence on 34th Street.
27
What’s the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
28
I swear to God I’m an athiest!
29
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
30
An atheist is taking a hike through the woods when a huge bear starts chasing after him. The bear corners the atheist in a cave and he falls on his knees, shouting, ‘Lord, save me!’ God calls down, saying, ‘You hypocrite. All these years you’ve denied me and now you want my help.’ The atheist replies, ‘You’re right. It is hypocritical to proclaim myself a Christian after all these years, but could you meet me halfway and make the bear a Christian.’ ‘I suppose so,’ says God and gives the bear religion. The atheist breathes a huge breath and walks past the startled bear. The bear turns and bites the atheist in the neck, killing him. The bear then puts its paws together and says, ‘Lord, for this bounty…’
31
A Buddhist goes to a hamburger joint and says, ‘Make me one with everything.’
32
‘I was walking across a bridge one day when I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!” He said, “Like what?” I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?” He said, “Religious.” I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?” He said, “Christian.” I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” He said, “Baptist!” I said, “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” He said, “Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.’ Emo Phillips
33
A young Irish boy falls in love with a girl and takes her home to meet his family. The boy, his ladyfriend and his family gather around the dining room table and his mother asks the girlfriend what she does. The girl hesitates, then says, ‘I’m a prostitute.' The mother screams, faints and has to have water splashed in her face to bring her round. ‘Forgive me, my dear. But I don’t think I heard you correctly. Did you say you were a prostitute?’ ‘Yes,’ says the girl. The mother laughs and says, ‘Thank goodness. For a moment I thought you said you were a Protestant.’
34
Notice on a church board: ‘Don’t keep the faith – spread it around!’ ‘God don’t make mistakes. That’s how He got to be God.’ All in the Family
35
A pastor tries to survive a flood by climbing on to the roof of his house. A man in a boat rows past and offers to take him with him. ‘No, thanks,’ shouts the pastor. ‘God will help me.’ The waters rise further and a man in a motorboat comes by to rescue the pastor. Again, the pastor declines. ‘No, thank you. God will help me.’ The waters get still higher and a helicopter arrives to winch the pastor to safety. ‘No, thanks!’ shouts the pastor. ‘God will surely help me!’ Finally the waters sweep over the top of the house and wash the pastor into the torrent. ‘God! Why has thou forsaken me?’ glugs the drowning pastor. ‘What d’you mean, “forsaken” you?’ shouts back God. ‘First I send a rowing boat, then I send a power boat, then I send a helicopter…’
36
A religious man lives next door to an atheist. The religious man prays day in, day out, and is constantly on his knees in communion with the Lord, while the atheist never looks twice at a church. However, the atheist’s life is good, he has a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children are healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man’s job is strenuous and his wages are low, his wife is getting fatter every day and his kids are vile. One day the religious man raises his eyes towards Heaven and says, ‘Oh God, I honour you every day and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn’t believe in you, seems blessed with every happiness, while I’m poor and suffer many an indignity. Why, Lord? Why me?’ And a voice bellows down from above, ‘Because you’re a bloody pest!’
37
One morning a man hobbles into a church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water, splashes some on both legs, then throws his crutches away. An altar boy witnesses the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest. ‘Son,’ says the priest. ‘You’ve just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man now?’ The boy replies, ‘Lying on his back by the font.’
38
‘God don’t make mistakes. That’s how He got to be God.’ All in the Family
39
‘If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.’ Woody Allen
40
‘If triangles had a God, he’d have three sides.’ Yiddish proverb
41
‘Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.’ Woody Allen
42
God did not create the world in seven days; he messed around for six days then pulled an allnighter.
43
God is not dead but alive and working on a much less ambitious project.
44
I know God won’t give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.
45
If God had wanted us to go metric he’d have appointed ten apostles.
46
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
47
Yes, I believe God will provide. But if only He would till He does.
48
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
49
‘I played the part of God, in Gideon. It was method acting, so two weeks beforehand, I started to live the part offstage, y’ know. I really came on God, there, I was really fabulous, I put on a blue suit, I took taxi cabs all over New York. I tipped big, ’cause he would have. I got into a fight with a guy, and I forgave him. It’s true. Some guy hit my fender and I said unto him, “Be fruitful and multiply”, but not in those words.’ Woody Allen
50
God is planning a holiday but can’t decide where to go. ‘What about visiting Mercury?’ suggests an angel. ‘No, too hot,’ says God. ‘Then how about Mars?’ says the angel. ‘Nah,’ says God. ‘Too dry and dusty.’ ‘What about Earth?’ says the angel. ‘You’ve got to be kidding,’ says God. ‘I went there 2,000 years ago, knocked up some bird, and they’re still going on about it.’
51
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist flies up in a rocket and says, ‘God, we don’t need you any more. Science has figured out a way to create life out of nothing. We can now do what you did in the beginning.’ ‘Really?’ replies God. ‘What exactly do you mean?’ ‘Well,’ replies the scientist. ‘We can take dirt and form it into your likeness and make it live.’ ‘That’s something I’d like to see,’ says God. ‘Why don’t you show me?’ So the scientist bends down and starts to mould the dirt into the shape of a man. God grabs his arm and pulls him back. ‘Hey. Not so fast,’ he says. ‘Go and get your own dirt.’
52
In the old days I didn’t think twice about stabbing anyone who got in my way. Then I heard the Good News about Jesus Christ. Now if anyone annoys me I just bang nails into them.
53
Jesus walks into a hotel, tosses a box of nails on the front desk and says, ‘Can you put me up for the night?’
54
At the Last Supper, Jesus stands and declares he’ll turn the water into wine. ‘No you don’t,’ shouts Judas. ‘Put in 20 shekels like everyone else.’
55
Christ is on the cross calling out for Peter. ‘Peter! Peter…!’ he shouts. Peter hears him and tries to get closer, but a Roman guard cuts off his arm and sends him packing. Christ calls out again. ‘Peter! Peter…!’ he shouts. Again Peter tries to get closer but is again stopped by the Roman guard, who cuts off his other arm. Christ calls out again. ‘Peter! Peter…!’ Peter tries once more to get to the foot of the cross. This time the Roman guard swipes at his left leg and chops that off too. ‘Peter! Peter…!’ calls Christ. Peter makes one last desperate effort. He hops up to the guard, evades his hacking sword and knocks him out with a head-butt. He then hops to the top of the hill and stands panting at the bottom of the cross. ‘Yes, Lord!’ shouts Peter. ‘I am here!’ Christ says, ‘Peter, I can see your house from here.’
56
Jesus walks into a bar and approaches three sad-looking men. ‘What’s troubling you, my son?’ says Jesus to the first man. ‘My eyes are bad,’ says the man. ‘Every year I see less and less.’ Jesus touches the man’s head and his vision is immediately restored. Jesus goes to the second man and asks the same question. The man replies, ‘I’m lame in my right leg.’ Jesus touches the man’s leg and he leaps to his feet. Jesus approaches the third man, who immediately picks up a bar stool and fends Jesus off. ‘Get the hell away from me!’ he shouts, ‘I’m on disability!’
57
I’ve got nothing against Mormons, but I wouldn’t want my sisters to marry one.
58
Why don’t Mormons make love standing up? They worry it could lead to dancing.
59
Two Mormons are going door to door. They knock on the door of one woman who tells them, in no uncertain terms, that she does not want to hear their message. She slams the door in their faces but to her surprise, it bounces back open. She tries slamming the door again, and again, and again but it won’t shut. ‘Get your dammed foot out of my door,’ shouts the woman. ‘My foot isn’t in the door,’ says one of the Mormons. ‘But you might want to move your cat.’
60
Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when Count Dracula suddenly jumps on their car. ‘Quick, show him your cross!’ says one of the nuns. The other nun shouts, ‘Hey, Dracula! Get off the God damn car!’
61
A nun says to Mother Superior, ‘There’s a case of syphilis in the convent!’ Mother Superior says, ‘Thank goodness. I was getting tired of the Chablis.’
62
A man rushes into a pub and orders a brandy. While the barman is pouring, the man says, ‘How tall does a penguin grow?’ ‘About two foot,’ replies the barman. ‘Dammit!’ says the man, knocking back his drink. ‘I’ve just run over a nun.’
63
A man is enjoying a drink outside a bar when a nun comes along and starts lecturing him on the evils of booze. The man argues back and it turns out that the nun has never had a drink in her life. ‘Tell you what,’ says the man. ‘I’ll buy you some alcohol, you drink it, and tell me what you think.’ ‘Out of the question,’ replies the nun. ‘I could never be seen to be drinking in public. But I suppose if you put the liquid in a coffee cup I might have a sip.’ The man agrees, goes inside and orders a double brandy in a coffee cup. ‘Oh no,’ replies the barman. ‘It’s not that bloody nun again is it?’
64
Some nuns are renovating a church and getting very hot and sweaty. The Mother Superior suggests they take off their clothes and work naked. The nuns agree but bolt the church door as a precaution. They’ve all stripped down when there’s a knock at the door. ‘Who is it?’ says the Mother Superior. A voice replies, ‘It’s the blind man!’ The Mother Superior opens the door and the man says, ‘Hey, nice tits, Sister. Where do you want these blinds?’
65
The Mother Superior is giving her novice nuns a talk before sending them out into the world. ‘Beware the temptations of the flesh,’ warns the Revered Mother. ‘An hour’s pleasure could lead to an eternity of damnation. Now, are there any questions?’ A novice sticks her hand up and says, ‘Yes, Reverend Mother. How do you make it last an hour?’
66
Three nuns are talking. The first nun says, ‘I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines! I threw them straight in the rubbish.’ The second nun says, ‘Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a packet of condoms!’ ‘Oh my!’ gasps the first nun. ‘So what did you do?’ ‘I poked holes in them,’ replies the second nun. ‘Oh shit!’ says the third nun.
67
Two old nuns are discussing their holidays. Sister Mary was hard of hearing, so Sister Jane was communicating with hand gestures. ‘I think I’ll go to Florida, where the oranges are that big and the bananas are that long,’ says Sister Jane. ‘Hey!?’ replies Sister Mary. Sister Jane repeats herself, ‘I think I’ll go to FLORIDA, where the oranges are that BIG and the bananas are that LONG.’ ‘What?’ replies Sister Mary. Sister Jane tries again, ‘I THINK I’LL GO TO FLORIDA, WHERE THE ORANGES ARE THAT BIG AND THE BANANAS ARE THAT LONG.’ Sister Mary replies, ‘Father who?’
68
As long as there are exams there will be prayer in school.
69
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way – so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
70
A couple invite some friends to dinner. At the table, a guest turns to the host’s six-year-old daughter and says, ‘Would you like to say grace?’ ‘I wouldn’t know how to do it,’ replies the girl. ‘Just say what you’ve heard your daddy say,’ says the guest. The daughter bows her head and says, ‘Dear Lord. Why the hell did my wife invite all these people?’
71
A starving man is crawling through the desert. He comes across a church, goes in, kneels at the alter and prays, ‘Oh Lord, give me some food!’ As if by magic, a lump of meat drops at his feet. Overjoyed, he wolfs it down – then looks up and sees a leper painting the ceiling.
72
A young man visits his hillbilly uncle in the country and, due to lack of space, is required to share a bed with his young nephew. When the young man comes to bed, he sees the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed. The young man decides to follow his example and kneels down on the other side of the bed. The boy looks up and says, ‘Whatcha doin’?’ ‘Why, the same thing you’re doing,’ replies the young man. ‘Boy, Ma’s gonna be mighty mad,’ says the boy. ‘The bucket’s on this side.’
73
668: The neighbour of the Beast.
74
Adam and his son Abel are walking past the Garden of Eden. ‘Who owns that place?’ asks Abel. ‘That’s where we used to live,’ replies Adam. ‘Before your mother ate us out of house and home.’
75
‘Years ago, my mother gave me a bullet, and I put it in my breast pocket. Two years after that, I was walking down the street, when a berserk evangelist heaved a Bible out of a hotel room window, hitting me in the chest. The Bible would have gone through my heart if it wasn’t for the bullet.’ Woody Allen
76
A priest stays the night in a city hotel and manages to seduce the maid. The maid objects at first but the priest gets round her. ‘It’s all right, my dear,’ he says. ‘It’s written in the Bible.’ After a night of passion, the maid wakes up and wonders where in the Bible it says it’s all right for a priest to sleep with hotel staff. To answer her question the priest picks up the Bible on the bedside table and shows her the inside cover. Written in pencil are the words, ‘The maid is easy!’
77
God approaches Adam and says, ‘I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to populate this planet and make you and Eve very happy.’ Adam is very excited, ‘Wow, that’s great,’ he says. ‘But what was the bad news?’ God replies, ‘You’re only getting enough blood to work one at a time.’
78
Moses is praying to God to release his people from bondage when the voice of God booms from the clouds. ‘Moses, I have good news and bad news!’ ‘What’s the good news?’ asks Moses. God says, ‘If Pharaoh will not let my people go I will send down a rain of frogs, and a plague of locusts, a plague of flies, and I will turn the Nile to blood.’ ‘Wow!’ says Moses. ‘And if Pharaoh’s army pursues you in your flight,’ continues God, ‘I shall open a path for you in the Red Sea only to close it again and drown his army.’ ‘That’s incredible,’ says Moses. ‘But what’s the bad news?’ God replies, ‘Before I can do all this, you must write an environmental impact statement.’
79
How did the vicar know the choirboy was a secret service agent? He was wearing a Government surplice.
80
Father O’Hara has Father Smith round for tea. Father Smith notices that his host’s housekeeper is a young attractive woman and worries that they might be having an affair. To test this theory he slips a silver cake slice into his pocket. Next week Father O’Hara notices the cake knife is missing. ‘Father Smith must have taken it,’ says Father O’Hara to his housekeeper. ‘There’s no other explanation.’ ‘Don’t accuse him of anything,’ says his housekeeper. ‘Send him a letter and write that you’re not saying he did take it, and you’re not saying he didn’t take it, but just point out it’s been missing since he was here.’ A couple of days later the couple get a letter from Father Smith. It reads: ‘Father O’Hara, I’m not saying you are sleeping with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying you’re not, but I’d like to point out that if you’d been sleeping in your own bed you’d have found that blasted cake slice by now.’
81
Our priest is very liberal. He likes to show he’s as imperfect as the rest of us. Half way through confession he often pulls back the screen so we can see him puffing on his crack pipe.
82
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.
83
A vicar is leaving his parish after 30 years. ‘We’re sorry to see you go, Vicar,’ says one woman. ‘Before you came to this parish we didn’t know what sin was.’
84
A young woman slips on the pavement and is helped up by passing vicar. ‘This is the first time I’ve rescued a fallen woman,’ says the vicar. The woman replies, ‘And this is the first time I’ve been picked up by a clergyman.’
85
Three trainee priests line up for a celibacy test. The first trainee goes into a room, strips off, and has a bell tied to his penis. A nude pole dancer then does her act for him and the inevitable happens: he gets excited and the bell goes ‘ting-a-ling-a-ling’. ‘I’m sorry,’ says the head Priest. ‘You don’t have the strength of character to be a priest. Now go and have a shower.’ The second candidate enters the room, strips off and has a bell tied on. But, again, when the pole dancer goes into her act, the bell goes ‘ting-a-ling-a-ling’. ‘I’m sorry,’ says the head Priest. ‘You’re not up to the job. Go and have a shower.’ The third candidate enters the room strips off and has the bell put on him. When the pole dancer appears, he watches her with no reaction, no matter how hard she tries to arouse him. Eventually she gives up, and the head Priest walks over to congratulate the trainee: ‘Well done, my son! You showed remarkable forbearance. You’re just what the church is looking for. Now go and join the other lads in the shower’ … ‘ting-a-ling-a-ling’.
86
A bishop in full ceremonial robes is being driven past a railway station when he sees an admiral in his uniform standing by the taxi rank. The bishop and admiral are enemies so he decides to take him down a peg or two. The bishop orders his driver to stop, steps out of the car, and says to the admiral, ‘I say, porter. What time is the next train to London?’ The admiral looks at the bishop in his robes and replies, ‘Ten minutes, madam. But in your condition I don’t think you ought to be travelling.’
87
A girl is speaking to her mother. ‘Mum, are you going to leave me to entertain the new vicar all by myself?’ ‘That’s not the vicar,’ says mother. ‘That’s the new doctor. I asked him to give you a check-up.’ ‘Oh,’ says the girl. ‘I thought he was a bit familiar for a vicar.’
88
A priest is walking down the street when he notices a small boy trying to press the doorbell of a house. Unfortunately the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts the priest walks up behind the little fellow and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles and asks, ‘And now what, my little man?’ The boy replies, ‘Now we run like hell!’
89
A vicar is reading a sermon on the Ten Commandments. He notices that one of his congregation, Ted, becomes very agitated at one point then breathes a sigh of relief. After the service the vicar asks Ted what had been on his mind. ‘Ah well,’ says Ted. ‘My umbrella’s gone missing and when you mentioned the commandment “Thou shalt not steal” it made me think someone has stolen it. But when you got to “Thou shalt not commit adultery” I remembered where I’d left it.’
90
A young priest goes to town one day. A girl approaches him and says, ‘Fancy a quickie, Father? Only five bucks!’ The priest isn’t sure what a ‘quickie’ is, so he declines the offer. In the next street another girl approaches him, ‘Fancy a quickie, Father? Only five bucks!’ ‘No thank you,’ stammers the priest. Yet another girl approaches him saying, ‘Hi, Father. Only five bucks for a quickie.’ The priest has had enough and hurries back to the church. On the way back he meets an old nun. ‘Excuse me, Sister,’ he says. ‘But what is a quickie?’ The nun replies, ‘Five bucks. Same as in town.’
91
Three vicars are talking about their problems with cockroaches. The first says, ‘I’ve put down poison, but nothing seems to get rid of them.’ The second says, ‘I called in the exterminator but he couldn’t shift them.’ The third says, ‘I got rid of all mine. I just baptised them all and I haven’t seen them since.’
92
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat him up.
93
The Pope calls a meeting of cardinals and says, ‘I have some really good news and some very bad news.’ The cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope says, ‘Jesus Christ has returned to the world.’ After the uproar has died down, the Pope says, ‘The bad news is he was calling from Salt Lake City.’
94
The Pope is visiting a town and all the residents are lining the street hoping for a blessing. The Mayor is sure the Pope will stop and talk to him, but is surprised when the Pope ignores him completely and whispers a few words to a filthy old tramp standing on the other side of the road. ‘Of course!’ thinks the Mayor. ‘The Pope cares more for the poor and homeless, not the rich like me!’ With this he dashes over to the tramp, buys his clothes, gets into them, then runs to the end of the street and lines up again. Sure enough the Pope sees the Mayor and walks over to talk to him. ‘Hey, stinky,’ whispers the Pope. ‘I thought I told you to get lost.’
95
‘Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, “I’m not religious, but deep down, I’m a very spiritual person.’ What this phrase really means is: “I’m afraid of dying, but I can’t be bothered going to church.”’
96
‘I like the Ten Commandments but have a problem with the ninth. It should be: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ox – except in Scrabble.” ’
97
2000 BC – Here, eat this root. 1000 AD – That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 AD – That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 AD – That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 AD – That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 AD – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
98
A clergyman parked his car on a double yellow line in a large city because he was in a hurry and couldn’t find a parking space. He left a note under the windscreen wiper that read: ‘I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.’ When he returned, he found under the wiper a ticket from a parking warden along with this note: ‘I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.’
99
A confirmed hellraiser began attending church faithfully on Sunday mornings. The vicar was very pleased and told him, ‘How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!’ ‘Well, Vicar,’ said the man. ‘Frankly, it’s a matter of choice. I’d rather hear your sermon than hers.’
100
A father was in church with his three young children. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was baptizing a tiny infant. The man’s five-year-old daughter was particularly enthralled by the procedure of pouring water over the infant’s head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and whispered, ‘Daddy, is he brainwashing that baby?’
101
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. They came to the story of Lot’s wife: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ His son asked: ‘What happened to the flea?
102
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. ‘Mum, look what I found,’ the boy called out. ‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’
103
A little boy was saying his bedtime prayers with his mother: ‘Lord, bless Mummy and Daddy, and God, GIVE ME A NEW BICYCLE!!!’ Mother: ‘God’s not deaf, son.’ Boy: ‘I know, Mum, but Grandma’s in the next room, and she’s hard of hearing!’
104
A man is in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walks into his room. She is there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking, and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and their thirteen children. ‘My, my,’ says the nun, ‘thirteen children. A good and proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you.’ ‘I’m sorry, Sister,’ he says. ‘I am not Catholic, I’m Baptist.’ ‘Baptist?’ she replies. ‘You sex maniac!’
105
A man was coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door to shake hands with the departing congregation. He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said, ‘You need to join the Army of the Lord!’ The man replied, ‘I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Vicar.’ ‘How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?’ asked the vicar. He whispered back, ‘I’m in the secret service.’
106
A man was in church, thanking God for his new-found girlfriend. ‘Why did you make her so kind-hearted?’ ‘So you could love her, my son.’ ‘God, why did you make her so good-looking?’ he asked. ‘So you could love her, my son.’ ‘And why did you make her such a good cook?’ ‘So you could love her, my son.’ The man thought about this and said, ‘Well, I don’t mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but … why did you make her so stupid?’ ‘So she could love you, my son.’
107
A minister’s son had a pet dog that sadly died. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’
108
A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.
109
A Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the church safe. Finally she went to the vicar’s study and asked for help. The vicar came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers, he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number and opened the lock. The amazed teacher said, ‘I’m in awe at your faith, Vicar.’ ‘It’s really nothing,’ he answered. ‘I never can remember the combination, either. That’s why I wrote the number on a piece of tape and put it on the ceiling.’
110
A vicar waited in line at a petrol station to have his car filled just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in the queue. Finally, the attendant motioned him towards a vacant pump. ‘Reverend,’ said the young man, ‘sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.’ The vicar nodded. ‘I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.’
111
A woman knelt in the confessional and said, ‘Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.’ ‘What is it, child?’ ‘Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.’ The priest turned, took a good look at her, and said, ‘My daughter, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.’
112
A woman walks up to a bishop at an ordination and says, ‘Bishop, I love your dress, but your handbag is on fire.’
113
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. ‘You misunderstood my announcement,’ said the minister. ‘This is a meeting of the board.’ ‘Well,’ said the man. ‘If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.’
114
After the christening of his baby brother in church, a little boy sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him what was wrong. ‘That vicar said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,’ the boy replied, ‘but I want to stay with you and Mum!’
115
An embarrassed woman approached the vicar after a church service. ‘I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend, when my husband walked out during your sermon.’ ‘I did find it rather disconcerting,’ the vicar replied. ‘It’s not a reflection on you,’ insisted the churchgoer. ‘He’s has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.’
116
Are you allowed to kiss a nun? Yes. But don’t get into the habit.
117
As the master said to his confused disciple, ‘That was Zen, this is Tao.’
118
At a Catholic school gathering, Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, ‘Take only one apple, please – God is watching.’ On the other end of the table was a pile of biscuits where a student had placed a sign saying, ‘Take all the biscuits you want – God is watching the apples.’
119
Church: The only society on earth that exists for the benefit of nonmembers.
120
Dear Lord, thus far today you should be proud of me. I haven’t gossiped, lost my temper, spoken in anger, been greedy, grumpy, selfish or over-indulgent. No ill feeling has entered my heart, nor have I begrudged another soul. I am very pleased with the way I have performed thus far. However, in a few minutes, Lord, I will be getting out of bed to begin the day, and from that point on I will be in much need of your help and understanding. Thank you for being there for me. Amen.
121
Did you hear about the rabbi who was drunk on the job? He got the sack.
122
Did you hear about the vicar who tried to convert? A woman in his flock told him she worshipped her body, and he tried to embrace her religion.
123
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
124
In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
125
Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit. Moses calls a staff meeting. Moses said, ‘Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.’ The General of the Armies responded, ‘Normally, I’d recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there’s not enough time – the Egyptians are too close.’ The Admiral of the Navy said, ‘Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.’ ‘Does anyone have a solution?’ Moses asked. Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand. Moses called on him. ‘You! You have a solution?’ The PR man said, ‘No, but I can promise you this: if you can find a way out of this one, I can get you a lot of coverage in the Old Testament.’
126
A man walks to Piccadilly Circus in London during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi straight away. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says: ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Paul.’ ‘Who?’ says the man. ‘Paul Jones. He was a man who got everything right. Like my taxi being free during a rainstorm. It would have happened for Paul.’ ‘Surely no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody,’ the man replies. ‘Not Paul,’ says the cabbie. ‘He was a great athlete. He could have turned professional at football or tennis and he danced like Fred Astaire. He was handsome and sophisticated, more than George Clooney. He had a better body than Brad Pitt in his prime. He was something! Somehow Paul just knew exactly how to make women happy. He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole house blacks out.’ ‘No wonder you remember him!’ says the man. ‘I never actually met Paul,’ admits the cabbie. ‘Then how do you know so much about him?’ asks the man. ‘After he died I married his wife.’
127
Sign on a church bulletin board: ‘You aren’t too bad to come in. You aren’t good enough to stay out.’
128
St Peter was waiting by the Pearly Gates when 40 people from Liverpool showed up. Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven’s door, St Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, St Peter returned to God, breathless, and said, ‘They’re gone!’ ‘What? All of the Liverpudlians are gone?’ asked God. ‘No!’ replied St Peter. ‘The Pearly Gates!’
129
The flood is over. The ark is parked neatly on the top of Mount Ararat, and Noah is standing alone on its deck, not one animal on board. ‘Flipping Animal Liberation League!’ exclaims Noah.
130
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. After the young man hears several confessions, the older priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, ‘Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand.’ The new priest tries out the gesture. The old priest suggests, ‘Try saying things like, “I see, yes, go on,” and “I understand – how did you feel about that?”’ The new priest repeats what the older man has said and nods. The old priest says, ‘Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, “No way! What happened next?”’
131
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarrelling with his neighbours, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them. ‘Can’t you see, Ben,’ intoned the parson, ‘that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?’ ‘Well, I sort of disagree there,’ replied the backslider. ‘It makes me miss the folks I shoot at.’
132
Three vicars meet to discuss church matters. ‘You know,’ says one, ‘I have terrible trouble with bats in the belfry. We’ve tried poison but they just won’t leave.’ ‘I know what you mean,’ says one of the other vicars. ‘We have the same problem. I tried fumigating them but they just won’t go.’ ‘You want to do what I did to get rid of them for good,’ says the third vicar. ‘I baptized them and made them members of the church and they haven’t been back since.’
133
What did the Dalai Lama say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
134
What do you call 100 nuns in a shop? Virgin Megastore.
135
What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark? Flood lights!
136
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
137
Who tracks down lost vicars? The Bureau of Missing Parsons.
138
Who was the best actor in the Bible? Samson – he brought the house down!
139
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
140
Could God make a curry so hot he couldn’t eat it?
141
Cult: Not enough people to make a minority.
142
Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.
143
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in Gosh.
144
How much faith is required to become an atheist?
145
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
146
Lead me not into temptation. I can find the way myself.
147
Lord save me from your followers.
148
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
149
Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting hospitals, nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation, a vicar was making his weary way home. As he travelled the hilly, curving, country road, he overtook a car. The slow-moving car was weaving from one side of the road to the other in a most disturbing manner. Being familiar with most residents of the area, he recognized the car as belonging to a member of his congregation. ‘Oh no,’ said the vicar to himself, ‘Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again. The way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered. I’d better pull up beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself.’ Putting thought to action, the preacher pulled alongside Frank’s car just in time for the next swerve to run him off the road. Over the shoulder, down a steep bank, the vicar’s car rolled over twice and came to rest against a large pine tree. Not completely senseless to the world, Frank stopped his car and staggered back to a point above the vicar’s car. Fortunately, the vicar had been using a seat belt. That and the relatively slow speed had prevented any injury. When Frank saw someone struggling out of the wrecked car, he yelled, ‘Who the hell are you?’ The vicar yelled back, ‘Frank Johnson, don’t you talk to me like that.’ ‘My God, Vicar, that you?’ ‘Yes, Frank, it is, and I’ll thank you not to take the Lord’s name in vain. It’s already bad enough that you’re drunk.’ ‘You OK, Vicar?’ ‘Yes, Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me.’ ‘You better let him ride with me. Way you drive, you gonna kill him.’
150
A man decided to join the church and become a monk. He went to his new home and the head monk told him that in order to dedicate his life to the church he had to take a vow of silence, but he would be allowed 2 words every 7 years. He agreed and began his new life. Seven years passed and the head monk said "You have done very well my son I shall now grant you 2 words."
"Food cold" replied the monk.
Another 7 years pass and again he is granted 2 words.
"Bed hard" he said.
Another 7 years pass and the head monk says "You have served us well and I"m happy to grant you another 2 words"
"I quit!" replied the monk.
"I"m not surprised", said the head monk, "You"ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
151
When a young minister was asked to take the grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends, and was to be the first at a new cemetery.
The minister got lost trying to find the cemetery, and arrived about an hour late. The grave diggers were eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
Apologising for being late, and looking into the open grave, he saw the lid already in place, he asked them to gather around the opening.
Being young and enthusiastic he poured out his heart and soul as he preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord" and "Amen". He preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, he ended with a prayer and walked to his car. As he opened the door, one of the workers muttered, "I never saw anything like that before and I"ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
152
The prawn and the cod
In the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. "I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark." Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian. As he approaches, he shouts out: "It"s me, Justin, your old friend. I"ve changed... I"ve found Cod. I"m a prawn again, Christian."
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